Monday, June 4, 2018

My beat up and over used wagon

Back on the wagon again.
How many times have I said that?
How many promises have I broken to myself and to others?
This would be the time I lose the weight
This is the time I keep it off
I have been on every diet out there
I have read every nutrition book
I’ve been to a nutritionist who specialized in eating disorders
I went to a nutritionist who specialized in endurance athletes
I ate mindfully
I ate whatever I wanted
I ate only vegetables and beans
I tracked
I didn’t track
I’ve been through every emotion
I felt them all
Not Full
Where the fuck is my pizza and donuts
Show me one more piece of spinach and I will stab you
Brussel Sprouts are life
Spinach in my spirit animal
Pizza is my spirit animal
No its fine, Michelob Ultra is low carb
Seriously. No more spinach.
Give me a cow, almost raw, just kissed on the grill and some horseradish.
I am like my own spinning wheel of prizes
But sometimes that spinning makes me bloated and full of donuts

I will never be, nor do I want to be somebody who eats only spinach and chicken for the rest of their life
I need moments with pizza and red chili, and beer, and donuts
But as I have discovered I have to regulate them.
Like a drill sergeant.
This doesn’t mean I need to feel guilty about eating them
(whew that I was a big barrier to leap over)
But Moderation doesn’t work for me
(read Swim Bike Moms post on this, it’s fantastic)
I can’t eat a slice of pizza 1x a week and be done
It wakes some kind of beast in me that screams for all of the sausage in the building and a gallon of ranch.
So instead I have it every now and then
I let the fat kid out and then I cage him until next time.
But the longer the fat kid is out, the harder it is to shove him  back in the cage.
Also if I ate pizza once a week I would gain 20lbs
Sure, go ahead and laugh.
But Lauren it’s not your whole day, one piece of pizza doesn’t make you fat just like one salad doesn’t make you healthy
Oh, Honey.
For me it does.
I have eat a fairly regulated set of meals just to stay in the overweight category instead of the morbidly obese category
(Both categories I have to fight like a rabies filled raccoon to get out of)
This involves a lot of egg whites and a lot of vegetables.
But you run all the time, you’re an Ironman!
You are proving my point.
And I am sure someone is out there screaming but if you only went vegan/keto/south beach/21 day fix  you wouldn’t have to do that.
And I can tell you, I have tried.
And at the end of the day everyone is different.
What works for others may not work for me.

I think this is an epiphany for me.
Why I struggle so much with eating a way that keeps me in a healthy category
(Please don’t say you can be healthy at any size. Happy for you but it’s not for me)
The reason that I struggle so much and why I am constantly jumping on and off the wagon is that I know at the end of the day if I truly want to lose weight and work on my health (above and beyond my ability to run a shit ton of miles) I have to eat a very regulated menu.
For the rest of my life.
My family and health means more to me than that
But it turns me into a foot stomping 2 year old
Alright chill the F out Lauren, you are a  31 year old women who can cook a plethora of different vegetables and enjoy them.
You love Brussel sprouts you hippie weirdo.
And I still will give myself breaks to enjoy food (and I will not feel guilty when I do)
Fucking but.
@#$*(&$@^ BUT.
I have to eat a lot of vegetables, lean meats and egg whites in between those “fun” days
I also have to make sure fun days don’t turn into fun weeks/months/years/my thirties.
So some days I grumble into my foods
Some days I dive into a plate full of broccoli like it’s my savior
Sometimes I decide that today is a day for pizza and I unlatch the fat kids cage.
Just like some days I run 20 miles and some days I sit on the couch
Moderation may not be my thing but Balance can be.
I am on week 3 of my regimented ways and shockingly its working.
The fat kid and I cannot coexist on a regular basis.
We have to be friends who see each other only at weddings and reunions
So If you see me and I am eating my egg whites and broccoli please don’t tell me to live a little.
I want to live a lot and for a long time
Please don’t tell me its ok to have just one because I won’t
Please know it’s taking a good amount of effort to make lasting changes and that I want to be the best version of myself.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018


I have survived the first half of training, only 5 weeks to go. 
5 weeks to take another considerable chunk of time off my miles
I have made significant strides with my speed but I have to now add in consistency
AND take away some of the standing on a random road trying to suck air into my lungs while convincing my legs to keep going and simultaneously yelling numerous amounts of curse words put together in creative fun lengthy strings. 
Less of that. 
I am starting to get into the longer miles and every weekend is based on when and how I can get my run in
Waking up at 5  (ON A WEEKEND!) 
eating oatmeal
wearing fanny packs
having friends drive out to bring you lube on a Sunday morning
Yeah. That happened
Chill out it was for my arms
Oh, whats that you say? 
Why would one put lube on their arms?
that's not the fun way to use it?
That's, like,  your opinion man. 
Also some of us don't quite think out the fact that their super cool back pack that carries treats (yes I call them treats) and water might create enough friction under their arms to start a fire (or draw blood)
Training is FUN!
also... time to switch back to the fanny pack
But progress is happening
improvement is happening 
Those are W's in my world
Is there a chance that I won't hit the sub 2?
It's so hard to balance this brain of mine
Inner Athlete is screaming " There is no failure! We DO NOT accept defeat. Sub 2 or die trying" 
Inner rational Lauren says "give it everything you have, but don't let this consume you"
Inner Fat Kid wants to know if we get pizza afterwards and by afterwards he means do we really have to run at all and can't we just eat the pizza? 
Its a 3 way tug of war. 
Right now I am leaning towards " If you can walk when you finish you didn't push hard enough but if you don't hit your goal then try again and a large Sausage double cheese."
Training continues
The inner battle continues
I continue. 

Ya'll I had to put out an SOS to my running friends to bring me lube
And she showed up with multiples kinds
 that cracks me up. 
It just makes me giggle
Ok I will stop


everyone have a good week and I will try to get better at checking in 

I sent out a lube SOS

Ok I swear that was the last time... 

Monday, November 27, 2017

In the words of Bruce Willis

It's been a while
A long while
My computer gave me a "new number who dis" when I tried to sign in 
 My self imposed year off is over 
I celebrated by signing up for a half marathon
because... duh 
and I am sure you are all wondering why I signed up for another race
But Lauren, you didn't even know if you liked racing anymore
You couldn't remember what it was like to enjoy training
you spent hours and days wondering if you actually liked racing or if you did it because other people in your life enjoy racing. 
and this is what you decide??
A half marathon?
way to ease into it dipshit
Guess what?
Turns out I really do like racing
training.... eh
its alright
but racing.
its the best. 
Finish lines and cheering crowds
people pushing to be their best
the adrenaline
the sweat
the feeling like your chest is about to explode and  your legs might give out and jesus christ am I hallucinating or is that pepperoni pizza at an aid station
its the best.
and I missed it
at first I didn't think I did
I went to a few races and without fail 17 or more people asked me if I was sad
and I proudly held up my breakfast burrito, looked down at my sandals and said NO!
then a few months later I went to some more races
and I watched people cross the finish line
cross the finish line into a giant puddle of sweaty stinky smiling mess
and I smiled
then I teared up
then I said seriously Lauren? get yo shit together. 
and thats when I realized 
I missed racing
I missed it so much
I wanted to grab a bib from someone, anyone and push my legs to the limit
I wanted to have the black lung from a particularly hard run
I wanted the hunger and the pain
I wanted it all
Its official.
Love it 
I have this competitiveness that has to be let out 
running gives me that feeling
and it doesn't matter if I am first or last
(but first would be pretty fucking cool)
It matters that I gave it everything I have. 

Will I do another full Ironman?
probably not
Will I do another half Ironman?
Fuck Yes I will
and I will hit sub 7
Will I have moments of failure, moments of wanting to quit, moments of doubt, fat kid off the leash at at buffet moments
Ha... oh yes, so so many moments. 
Will I decided to push for a sub 2 hour half?
You betcha
Will I make other decisions that make people question my sanity?
More than likely. 

but fuck. 
Life is too damn short to give it anything but everything you've got. 

As the wise Bruce Willis once said
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Friday, May 19, 2017


Discipline has never really been my thing

Donuts have been my thing

Pizza has been my thing

Eating Chinese food and watching blazing saddles has been my thing

But discipline…

Nah, I’m good thanks.

I wait for motivation to strike and then I bleed that well dry

Example: training for 3 half iron and 1 full iron distance races in 12 months.

As I entered my (Scotts) credit card info I basked in my motivation

I sat high upon my motivation mountain and looked down

I was motivation, I breathed motivation, I became one with motivation

Right up until I wasn’t

The well was dry

I was chugging my bike up another goddamn hill thinking how I could be eating donuts and not chewing on another peanut butter and jelly sandwich and boom motivation was gone.

The fickle creature left me right in the middle of my training.



See Ya Later

My motivation had gone to the pizza parlor to kick back with a beer

I was still on the hill

It was discipline that kept me from throwing my bike in front of traffic and following my motivation to get pizza

There has to be a balance

As soon as I crossed that finish line I lost a large chunk of both

I put my bike in hibernation, nursed my sore and chafed body parts, and went after some beer and pizza.

Its 6 months later

My bike and I are still not talking

Nether regions have not forgiven me

I have enjoyed the hell out of not training

I do miss competition but I am sticking to my year off

The problem with a year off is finding the discipline and motivation to treat my body like it deserves

 My goal is happy and healthy

Not a finish line

Not a specific weight

Not a certain pair of jeans



So I have had to find discipline

Motivation is easier

Motivation is my husband, my family, our trip to New Zealand

Discipline is looking over a pile of donuts as I eat my eggs

Are donuts the devil?


Do I have to eat only Kale and water to hit my goals?


In fact if I did that I would be miserable

Miserable is very far from happy and healthy


So what is the point of my random ramblings?

Motivation will not always be there

Discipline will not always be there

Keep moving forward regardless

If you don’t have motivation to go to the gym that day then go because you are a disciplined athlete

No discipline to put down the donuts? Then use your motivation to back away and eat something that makes you feel good.

We have to find balance

None of us are perfect

Least of all me


Find the balance

Find the motivation

Find the discipline

Find Happiness.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Life Post Ironman

2 weeks ago I raced 140.6 miles 
then I did nothing 
well I did eat
but as the cruel fates would have it I also contracted the cold from hell 
so while I could eat and not have to train
I was also coughing up my lung
I did combine a crap load of dayquil with some intense will power to attend a concert with Mr Fat kid
we had so much fun, dancing and singing. 
So much fun in fact that we were hurting the next morning
Did you know there are bars that sell 6 packs?
we didn't
we do now...
Like I said... We were hurting 

So what does life after Ironman hold for me? 
Well I am sticking to my guns about no racing/training in 2017
My life has revolved around Ironman training for the past 20+ months
I need a break mentally
You can only spend so much time worrying about did you buy enough lube, is what you just ate going to make you shit your pants on a run, or does this fanny pack look cool?
Even before I decided to tackle the Ironman world I was always training for something
It has been my way of keeping the fat kid in check 
If I pick a race that scares the crap out of me then I am more likely to get my ass to the gym
so now I have a year of relying on my own motivation to continue to stay healthy
that is scary
the fat kid is running around screaming that we are going to eat ALLLLLLL the Cake
drink ALLLLL the beers
Meanwhile the inner athlete is walking around in circles wearing the Ironman medal and trying to calculate the pace we would need to keep to run a sub 2hr 1/2 marathon, the training plan we could build to get back down to a 9 min mile, or searching Tri bikes for sale in stevebay.
I need balance
I need to trust myself 
and I need the inner athlete to sit on the Fat Kid
There has to be a world where we eat cake (A piece not the whole cake)
we run because we want to, not because we have to
maybe we even run fast 
maybe we work in some zone 2
maybe we research fast/flat 70.3 courses and day dream about a sub 6.5
maybe we say screw it and spend out afternoons jumping on trampolines
Or sitting in our house blogging while listening to Spice Girls with a snoring dog at my feet
(definitely not what is going on currently)
Who knows

I know  that it is scary
Who thought I would be afraid of not training
not me
not the fat kid
maybe the shaking and rocking inner athlete, she might have had an inkling
how do you trust yourself?
how do I let go of that control
my sweet sweet control...
no training plans
just me and the motivation to stay healthy and  enjoy myself
enjoy working out
I know part of the reason I love racing is I love pushing my body to that limit
I love finding that limit and pushing past it
I like the pain
I would feel weird about that last sentence but I know I am not alone
I married someone who feels the same way
So now I workout out to enjoy it
again the fat kid and inner athlete are screaming over what to do
the fat kid is making the argument that if we change the TV channel enough times its a workout
The inner athlete is wearing a drill sergeant outfit while screaming to run sprints and do burpees
I think trampolines and riding horses at adrenaline inducing speeds are in my future
bonus... I don't have to worry about getting hurt and dropping out of a expensive race

Have I mentioned I am scared?

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