The holy cheesus

Potlucks.

I am convinced they are the main reason behind corporate americas weight gain, well that and sitting in a chair for 8+ hours a day.

Today is my last day at my current job and in honor of me leaving they decided to have a potluck, a mexican food themed pot luck. So here I am sitting around, nothing really to do because my stuff has been shuffled off in preperation for my departure with a couple gallons of melted cheese and beans next to me. Trying to eat in moderation and stay within my boundaries is very, very, very hard.

I really like melted cheese, I am one of the people that had a mini anxiety attack when velveta had a shortage before the superbowl. I also really like beans, and homemade tortillas, and all the other good stuff that was made for ME!

I can't even fathom how many miles I will need to run tonight, tomorrow morning, and again tomorrow night. Its a good thing I took a few days off to prepare for my new job. I can spend my free time in the gym cursing the stairmaster.

So wish me luck,I will say a prayer to the holy cheesus for strength.

 



Running is a four letter word

I realize it't not actually a four letter word but it's in that category. The thing about running is to get better at it you actually have to run. You can read all the books you want, study the theories, wear the best shoes, and own the best high performance spandex, but if you don't get out there and put your feet on the pavement you won't get any better. I want to eat pizza, drink beer, and be a 7 minute miler but unfortunately those don't go together. So I have to learn to be uncomfortable again. 

I have run the last three days and I know you are thinking " whoa calm down there Forrest!" but it's something right? that's what the chub rub under my arms and the funny side step/fall down the stairs that I have been doing the last few days are telling me. I have been trying to get my mile times down and my muscles or lack there of are protesting big time. I have found that the best way for me to get my mile times down is to run /walk. I run at at very fast pace and then walk for 1-30 seconds to catch my breath. There is absolutely no science behind this or any set times. I run until I think fuuudge this sucks, maybe I can make it to that next intersection without throwing myself into oncoming traffic and then I walk through the intersection, milk the intersection a few more feet and then talk my screaming calves into ramping back up. I also spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about bacon. 

Running also involves a pretty sterling diet, at least until you get into the 15+ miles range and then its pizza time. For me this involves, lots of proteins, some carbs (I am picky about what kind), and lots and lots of water. This sucks but throwing up on a run sucks even more. The better you eat, the better your runs, and the better you feel. Do you see what a vicious cycle it is? ugh. 

I just keep up my mantra 

" you are wearing fat pants, your sweat smells like bacon, and sweat pants are your go to outfit" 

that usually makes me snap back to reality and reminds me that I am not in fact a bad ass but more of a fat ass. 

Before you get offended by that remember that I can finish an entire pizza by myself in under 10 minutes. Try to argue... me and my sweatpants dare you. 

(side note, Scott I am really sorry. I am sure this is not a sexy picture I am painting)

(side, side note... sorry to my family and mostly my dad for using the word "sexy")

 yep. lets end there. 

goodnight

Smooooothie time

Coffee, frozen bananas and almond milk...hell yeah I did.
Caffeine is in the system, time to start prepping food!

Fat pants

It's funny how one little statement can set you on a completely different journey. Two years ago I said screw this overweight shit. I am done being unhealthy, I am done getting tired while walking upstairs. I am just done. I lost 30 lbs, gained it all back, lost 10, gained that all back, and now I have lost 2. I have run 3-5ks, 1-10k. 1-15k, 4-1/2 marathons, 1 full marathon, 4 mud runs, and 1 triathlon. But I settled into this grove of eat what I want, don't train, and then get confused when the scale doesn't tell you what you want to hear. It is defeating. I am back in this never ending circle, I thought I had jumped off that train but I found myself back at the same place. Unfortunately I have nobody to blame but myself, I didn't stick to the change and I let myself get away with it. 

So back at square one. Back in pants that don't fit, back into feeling uncomfortable, back to where I never wanted to be again. What do you do when you hit the bottom again? How do you find the inspiration to get back on track? 

Well if you are me you sign up for a couple races that scare the ever living shit out of you. In the next 6 months I have agreed to run 2-1/2 marathons, 2 triathlons (sprint & olympic), and I have filled my fridge with more vegetables and meat than is considered appropriate. I have to do this. I am so completely and utterly tired of being uncomfortable, sad, and ashamed of my body. Please let me make sure that everyone understands this is not me trying to play the sympathy card. I am not looking for the "oh stop it, you look fine" or the " you are beatiful no matter your size" or anything along those lines. Doing so will result in me giving you this look 

So don't mind my crankiness, I am trying to find that in shape girl that I was for a fleeting moment so I can beg her to come back. I also really, really, really, want to throw away my fat jeans. sigh...

What Do We Want? Almond Milk and Kale!... Wait. What?

I have been pretty vocal about my feelings on hippie food. I am a pizza a beer kinda girl which is probably why my pants don't fit but that's another topic for another day. I have tried to stay focused on the basics when it comes to food and eating healthy. Protein, veggies, few to no heavy starches or carbs.... simple right? Very lacking in hippie shit, correct? Well, I have apparently lost the battle. I came home the other night and started digging through the fridge to see what I could make for dinner, as I was pushing stuff around, throwing recipe ideas around, asking Scott for his input, blah, blah...I had a moment. I froze and took a good hard look at what was in my fridge, at the same time I had Kale, Almond Milk, and Quinoa. These are the cornerstones of hippie-ism. I had become a hippie without even realizing it. The worst part is, I enjoy this food! I enjoy shopping at sprouts! I even made my own hummus. We might as well move back to Flagstaff!!

I felt like I needed to go eat a bacon burger just to make myself feel better; or go shop at wal-mart in my pj's. Something to bring me back to the comforts of what I know. I guess it's time to give up the fight, accept my new status of a proud sprouts shopper and go on my merry way. 

weekly food prep

Food prep is not always fun but it is necessary. It keeps you on track, makes you more accountable and keeps your bank account happy. If I don't prep my food I binge and when I fall off the wagon I hit the wheel, get crushed under the wagon, and then get dragged for miles. 

So here is a look into a day (or two) of weekly food prep. 

Step 1: make a menu and grocery list 

You have to decide what you want to eat before you go to the grocery store. 

My weekly list of food 

Breakfast: Smoothies

Lunch: roasted veggies, brown rice, and grilled chicken

snacks: carrots, apples, hard boiled eggs 

Step 2. Grocery shopping

I try to do this the day before so that I don't get too tired and cranky while dealing with the general public to come home and cook. People, grocery carts, screaming children, its just so much fun. 

I use a mixture of fresh, frozen, in season, out of season, sale items and coupons to figure out what I want to eat. 

Step 3: prep your food to cook

Lunch:

I had a craving for roasted vegetables so I picked up what was on sale and in season

I used garlic, salt, pepper, and olive oil to season them

Then Stuck them in the over @400 degrees for 30 minutes

I put them on foil to make clean up nice and easy!

I seasoned the sweet potatoes with olive oil, kosher salt, cinnamon, and nutmeg

then into the oven at 400 degrees for 40 minutes or until crispy on the outside and soft inside

while my vegatables were in the oven I started the brown rice and grilled the chicken. I also peeled, chopped, and put my carrots into snack bags. 

here is what they all look like put in pretty containers!

rice:

salads:

Smoothie Prep:

I picked up frozen, strawberries, black berries, blueberries, raspberries, mangoes and fresh bananas

I cut the bananas up and then throw them all into bags at random. This is not a very scientific formula, I just throw what sounds good together in a bag and stick it in the freezer :)

 now in the mornings I can just throw the fruit in a blender with almond milk and I am good to go!

Step 4: Clean up

ignore this step and have a glass of wine. 

(this is my favorite step)

Every day is a fight with the fat kid, he screams PIZZA MF'er!!! and I scream back GRILLED CHICKEN.. WITH ROASTED VEGGIES. BOOM BITCH!

and then I eat my veggies and this wow this taste nothing like pizza. 

Week 2 Recipe

So as usual I jumped two feet and face first into something that I probably should have thought out a little bit more and as it turns out, there is very little at the grocery store that I have not eaten. So I am going to twist this a little bit and make it recipe/ingredients. This weeks recipe is one that blossomed out of a need for change paired with a side helping of lactose intolerance. I have a few requirements when it comes to meals, and I am the most picky about breakfast. It has to be something that is A. easy to make (for weekdays) B. healthy  C. has to fill me up. D. Taste

 

I am getting a little tired of eating egg whites everyday for breakfast so I decided to jump the tracks for a week or two so I don't end up hating one of my favorite foods.

Week 2 Recipe

 

Breakfast Smoothies!

 

What?! What?! Raise the Roof... the roof.. the roof! whoop whoop... get excited!!!!!!!!

 

Super easy, pretty cheap, and its not egg whites

 

AHHHHH and the crowd goes wild!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

so. anyways.

breakfast smoothies eh?

 

I went to the store picked out a bunch of fruit that I like some frozen some fresh and a half gallon of vanilla almond milk (this was the new ingredient)

The great thing about using almond milk instead of regular milk or water is that it adds a nice creaminess, it's low calorie, and it doesn't make my stomach want to fold in on itself and die like milk does. I have basically taken a hiatus from all things dairy the last couple years becuase it is not worth the pain in my stomach or the sounds it makes as it tries to speak whale.

Lactose intolerance is fun!

 

Once I got home I cut up the fresh fruit and stuck it in zip lock bags with a cup of one of the frozen fruits. Each bag had about 2 cups of fruit, I then stuck them all in the freezer. There is no need for ice if I do this and since we never hooked our freezer up the water line and I always forget to buy ice this works for us.

 

Now every morning all I have to do is grab a bag of fruit, add a cup of almond milk, a cup of water and blend! Super easy, healthy, full of protein, and when I pair it with a slice of toast and peanut butter I am full for a couple hours.

 

This fills two red solo cups to the top. I usually pour mine first then add a scoop of protein powder to the remaining smoothie, blend again and add more liquid if necessary and that is Scott's Breakfast.

 

Voila.

Breakfast Smoothies.

Boom!

 

This all adds up to around 200-300 calories based on the amount of fruit, type of fruit, etc etc

 

 

 

 

My Disney Hangover

I know you are probably reading that title and thinking " Really Lauren? Drinking at a child's amusement park? Classy" but no, I did not drink... I thought about it, as being around screaming children tends to lead to me cradling and sweet talking a bottle of wine but this Disney hangover is purely a food induced hangover of cataclysmic proportions.

This was a trip solely based on food. I said to hell with calories and guilt, I am going to enjoy the hell out of myself.

Churros, Pretzels, and Ice Cream, oh my!

You really start to question your life decisions when you are sitting on a bench with 3 other grown women, staring down main street, surrounded by children while stuffing a corn dog in your face. Now that's not to say that I wasn't enjoying every moment of that but it still makes you think. This delicous hand dipped super fresh corn dog was post churro, post cream cheese filled preztel (YES. Cream.Cheese. Filled. 3 of the greatest words that can be strung together), post beignets, post cajun dinner, pre ice cream, pre tacos. Take a moment to re-read that list of awesome foods. CREAM CHEESE FILLED PRETZELS!

This was all fantastic, I had the time of my life, we had a churro in every land (thats a big CHECK! on the bucket list), I almost got sick of churros (almost), we walked 22+ miles in one day, spent 17 hours on the park property, went to bed waaaaay past our bed time, drank a lot of coffee, giggled like idiots, made inapropriate jokes about the Pleasure Island sign in Pinnochio, smiled stupidly at the characters, took a ton of pictures and crashed hard around midnight.

The next morning I woke up feeling tired but ok, I had some eggs and bacon at IHOP and we hit the road back to Phoenix. Then we hit McDonalds, for chicken nuggets and caffiene, then we rolled into phoenix just in time for Super Bowl.

Needless to say I am heavier than when I left, my head still hurts, I still have heartburn and I have a pretty clear picture of why I try to eat as healthy as possible. This 3 day Disney food hangover is BS!
 I have had a smoothie for breakfast, a luna bar for snack, I have my turkey skillet for lunch with steamed veggies, and dinner will probably be turkey chili. All of this was with a side helping of tums, ibproufen, and coffee (hangover trifecta)

 

DISNEYLAND!

 

 Matching Shirts

 

 Disneyland!

 

 Looking out the windows of the Monorail

 

Judgement Free Zone.

Do you ever have a workout that was so good you are still panting and sweating as you leave the gym? I did today and as luck would have it, I had to run errands afterwards. Imagine a sweating, heaving mess in spandex walking down aisles of michaels. Now if you were there you might be thinking " wow, I didn't realize homeless people were into crafts and DIY" or you might be thinking "she should shower" either thought would be justified. So I puttered around Michaels for a while until I got my breath back and then I ran across the street to Sprouts (yes, more hippie shit). Now I am sure we have all heard that you shouldn't go the groccery store hungry and there is a reason for that... You will roam the aisles looking for anything you can shove in your face hole. So take tired, add in hungry, multiply that by treadmill workout and lifting and you get hummus, pretzels and cheese snack time as you shop. Yeah. Eating while shopping. I will let that sink in for a moment....
I walked (very slowly, thought about licking) past the muffins and cookies and scooted over to the sabra hummus snack packs and cheese sticks. These are two of my go to healthy snack especially when I go into a murderous rage thinking about vegetables. I picked up what I needed and stood in line waiting my turn while trying to hold my items and unwrap my cheese stick, that combined with my spandex and sweating must have really set off an air of desperation because the lady in front of my told me I could jump her in line. It's ok.. take another moment but remember this is a judgement free zone.

drug pedaling little bastards.

It's the fat kids favorite time of year. The drug dealers are out in their adorable green vests pedaling the fat kids version of heroin... Girl Scout Cookies. I love them all, Thin Mints, Samoas, the lemon ones, the peanut butta ones, all of them. And not like I buy one box and it last all year kind of love.. its the buy boxes until I hate myself, wake up in the middle of the night to sneak a frozen thin mint, eat a whole box at a time kind of love. That's a forever kind of love. I can't even use not having cash as an excuse anymore, those adorable little bastards just whip out their Iphone and slide your visa through their square, all while smiling at you. These high tech drug dealers are at every store, every office, we even saw them waiting outside a Willy Nelson concert (to be fair, that was genius). A deprived fat kid surrounded by thin minty goodness leads to exessive grumbling, grouchiness, and unwarranted anger towards children. So let me say I am sorry in advance,

I am sorry to the mothers who are just trying to raise money for their childs troop... You are not an enabling bitch and I don't mean what I say out of hunger. Nor are your children drug mules.

I am sorry to the children in front of walmart... Your parents do love you, and you probably aren't adopted (but its awesome if you are!)

If you see me grumbling in a corner while shoving carrots and greek yogurt in my face, please know that I am ok, just hangry and better left alone from a safe distance.

 

Mixed Reviews

My parents always taught me that I should always try new things, new foods, and new experiences. I had to try food 7 times before I decided I didn’t like it (PS Mom, I still don’t like fish). While this was frustrating as a child I am glad that I still like to try new foods and new ways to cook especially because chicken and vegetables can get a little boring. I have come up with a ton of different recipes, I have scoured the internet for more ideas, and I have a pretty core set of recipes that I work from but every now and then I have to find something completely off the beaten fat kid path. So I have a new plan… well maybe not new and not really a plan. I have an Idea! Yes that’s a better word. Every week I will pick something out at the grocery store that I have never had and I will find a recipe to use including my fancy new grocery store pick of the week! Or I will find a recipe with a fun new item… Either way, new foods, new recipes, and hopefully a new addition to the current repertoire.

I came up with this idea after I was talking to a fellow blogger (Life, Babies, & Baking… check it out!) and then later when I was prepping my foods as luck would have it, I was cooking a new and fun ingredient. So then BAM! New idea.

This week’s ingredient is...

 

QUINOA!!! OK..OK.. quit with the eye rolling, and don’t you dare call me a hipster! It’s actually not bad, I was pleasantly surprised. It was also easy to cook which is a plus for me. I was looking for something that was fairly low carb, high protein and would help fill me up and keep me full. Quinoa (keen-wah) fit the bill!

This is what I came up with based on ingredients already in my fridge and a quick look at a few Pinterest recipes

Mediterranean Quinoa

1 Cup uncooked quinoa (boil with 2 cups of water then cover and bring to a simmer until all the water is absorbed)

1 cucumber

1 lemon juiced

½ cup feta

1 Tbls evoo

1 Tbls dried Dill

½ cup chopped parsley

10 chopped Kalamata olives

 

I chopped all the ingredients and added the lemon juice and extra virgin olive oil and put them in a container in the fridge to start the flavor mashing while the quinoa cooked on the stove. Once the quinoa was done cooking and cooled I added it to the rest of the ingredients and tossed it until it was fully mixed.  

 

I could have easily added more cucumber, tons more feta, and I think it would be good if I tossed it in a greek dressing instead of the lemon juice and evoo or added tomatoes. I was trying to make it as low calorie as possible and not taking something healthy and pump it up into a calorie/fat laden meal.

I put 4 servings into my calorie calculator but I think it is more along the lines of 6 servings

This is the breakdown per serving:

CALORIES    234

CARBS            32

FAT                    9

PROTEIN         9

SODIUM     168

SUGAR            1

 

I dumped a bunch on my salad today instead of chicken and it turned out pretty darn good! But Scott wanted to scrape it off his tongue... So we will go with mixed reviews on this one  

 

I am not a success story

I am not a success story.

Yet.

I am a lose weight, gain weight, work out, eat pizza, cry, eat egg whites, work out, drink soda, get mad, work out, eat salad story. I want to be a success story, I want to be an inspiration, I want people to look at and think “hell, if she can do it, then I can do it.”

So I eat my salads, I portion my “fun” foods, I run, I sleep, I drink more water than feels natural and I keep going. Even on days I don’t want to, those are the days I have to work that much harder. I slip up more than I should, I have my “why me?” days (dramatic, I know) and I have pizza days. I require A LOT of positive reinforcement to keep me going. I don’t know if this makes me like every other person trying to lose weight or if I am a tiny… well maybe tiny isn't the right word…isolated island floating in the sea of marinara (you thought I was going to get deep and inspirational, didn't you? Ha!). Not that I think that I am the only person in the world  battling weight problems, I know that I am better off than a lot of people but when you see people eating whatever they want and 1 grape makes your ass expand, it gets frustrating. I guess that isn't really a realistic sentence either... I have never in my life eaten 1 grape. I eat the whole  bag, then a bagel, then maybe some chips and top if off with a foot long sub if I am feeling peckish. Today I finished a foot long sub (oven roasted chicken, lettuce, tomato, bell pepper, mustard, on flat bread) before I got out of the parking lot... now, it was a pretty big parking lot and I got lost trying to find an exit but still. There are times I amaze myself... I don't even think about how fast I am eating most of the time. I think my thoughts today were, open wrapper, start car, put car in drive, EAT!!, drive, where is the exit to Bell Rd?, dammit that is one way, why is there a church next to a Macayos? shit, another one way, ooh a used bookstore! shit, did I miss the turn? crap, my sandwich is gone. Thinking is part of the change, I think about what I am eating, is it healthy? is it fresh? am I keeping the processed foods to a minimum? are my portions realistic? am I actually hungry? or bored? did I drink enough water today? ... or at least I try to. 

Saturday Schedule:

egg white panini with bacon, Parmesan, thin whole grain bread

coffee

1 hour hike

coffee

coffeeeeeeeeeeee

water

cleaning

cleaning

rearrange the house

foot long oven roasted sandwich

shopping

water

lemon luna bar

grocery shopping 

taco bowls

disney movies, pj's, and blogging.... you know... like an adult. 

Dear salad,

signs that I am back track

Top 5 Signs that I am back on track

1. I am writting this while on an eliptical

2. My first thought is not what can I eat that is bad for me because I just worked out but rather, what is NOT going to F up all the work I just did?

3.my laundry smells like a dead rhino

4. I have more vegetables than cheese in my fridge

5. People are starting to not look at me and wonder if I have gained weight or I have had a severe allergic reaction.

Also, side note I took a pre workout today and I am not sure If I want to run, lift a car, build a house....or throw up. Thats good shit...

Percy, Thurman, BIll, YSSOB, and Bob.

So as we were driving around this weekend shuffling from family event to family to family event, Scott in a rare moment of Lauren-esq a.d.d. asked me a very random question... actually now that I think about it we may have been talking about eating right... scratch that, Scott was right on track with the topic at hand, I was not paying full attention so it just seemed random at the time.

what was I talking about?

squirrel.

oh, right! Scott asked me if the fat kid had a name (see how that could seem random if you are not paying attention because a butterfly just caught your eye?).
 Well, fudge. I don't know...  The fat kid has many names, most are highly inappropriate  for present company (you're welcome). The name changes with my mood as well as his... I am not even sure why he is... well... a he.

Some days he is small and hides in the corner and I think of him as a Percy type of guy, kind of mousy, possibly English. Mostly just stays out of my way and occasionally begs for scraps of food

Other days he is a petulant child by the name of Thurman. Thurman is that fat kid we all hate, the cartmans of the world. He is rude, he frequently interrupts whatever I am doing and forces me to eat pizza. He drags me around and I have little power over that little shit.

He can be middle ground too (maybe...Bill?)  more of a annoying poke in the shoulder every hour to remind me that I haven't had annnny doughnuts today and I will probably drop dead at any moment due to lack of calories.

When I completely go off the deep end into my cave made of pizza and self loathing he is "YSSOB" which is an ancient name that loosely translates to "You Stupid Son of a Bitch"

And when he listens and quiets down enough that I convince myself that salads aren't that bad, chicken is just as filling as pancakes, and water with lemon is no different that soda he goes by Bob. Because.. well, everyone loves Bob.

The fat kid is in all of us, as is the skinny bitch trying to get out.

So as Bill and my inner skinny bitch fight it out over a piece of lettuce, my husband will be at peace knowing that the fat kid is not nameless. He is known, he is acknowledged, and he is going down.

(Scott's vote was for Winston)

confession

I stayed strong yesterday...

I didn't today...

Monkey bread was my downfall and I am pretty upset. Its just a brown sugar  bump in the road that I have to get over but I am still upset that I didnt listen to myself and I just ate it anyways.

I wanted to go back for more but I called Heather instead, she held me to my word and is going to shame me on facebook.

So not worth it...

But I will not let one slip up destroy an entire day...

I had egg whites with cheese and turkey bacon for breakfast, carrots and apples for snacks, and chicken and veggies for lunch.

Looks like I get in an extra long bike ride and dry salad for dinner... not as a punishment but to set my mind right again.

M'er. F'er.

Bah. Humbug

Post race I decided to have a serious thinking session with myself, I evaluated my food decisions, my work out decisions and how I wanted to improve both. I told myself that it was time to get serious and put my nose to the grind...

Today is day 1 of that... and people always talk about god testing you and that he won't give you anthing you are not capable of defeating. Well... real funny, God. Very nicely played sir....

I walked into work all proud of myself, I had my egg whites, turkey bacon, turkey burgers, steamed veggies, carrots for snacking and an emergency apple and hard boiled egg in case I was reallllly hungry.

Then I came to my desk...

                                                                     First Test

 

Mind you... Heather forgot her phone and Scott is slammed at work so I am without my regular support team

 

Second test

Brownies and Banana Bread

 

Third Test

Fairy Tale Brownies

 

Its only 10 am and I am shaking like a heroin addict.

 

this was me

 

 

 

This. Is. ANTHEM.

I am officially a Triathlete.

That is not a sentence I thought I would ever say, I thought maybe... I am officially going to go take a nap, or I am officially ordering a pizza (pepperoni, sausage, double cheese, none of that veggie BS)
But I did it, I survived and even kind of enjoyed it.

I was fine all morning, no real stress...ok, that's not true, there was stress bubbling under the surface that manifested itself into me snapping at Scott when my bike fell over. Logical? no. Useful? Absolutely not. But I apologized and we moved on. After that I just kind of walked around and observed the goings on of an cold morning Triathlon. There is nothing quite like the smell of Sharpie markers (body marking), chlorine, and sweat to get you amped up.

Then it was time to go, we lined up according to swim time and got ready to go. I am a decent swimmer and when I had timed myself in the pool (by myself, fairly hard pace) I swam the 400 meters in about 6:15. So when I went to get in line I proudly stood underneath the 7 minute sign. I was feeling pretty damn confident under my 7 minute sign and then I realized I was  A. towards the front  B. surrounded by actual triathletes, including UofA's tricats and C. about to shit my suit.
We started moving up as the athletes jumped in the pool one by one, 15 seconds apart. The next thing I knew a large man was counting down in my ear.... 3... 2....1.... GO!
I jumped in the pool, lost my footing and tried to frog leg my way into some momentum. Not my most graceful moment but I was more impressed with not pooping myself. I went through the 1st set up laps pretty quick and even managed to pass a few people, I slowed down on round 2 so I could catch my breath and start thinking about getting out and on the bike. I finished the swim in 8:11 and was on the bike shortly after that... well, after an episode trying to get dressed which is better described with a gif....



That is Jim Carrey climbing out of a fake rhinos ass.... that is also how I looked trying to pull sports bra/spandex on over a wet swimsuit.

The  bike portion was fairly uneventful... The course is full of hills so I was sucking air and giving constant pep talks to my butt and quads. I made it off the bike (including both transitions) in just under an hour, then I was off and onto the run portion. Now, I have run an indecent number of miles in the past year so I was not overly worried about this part (I should have been). This part was also full of fun hills, including a 1.5 mile climb to the anthem community center. I had my slowest run ever and finished in 40 minutes... that's what I get for being overly confident!

My final time was 1:47 and I am pretty happy with that. If I had to do it all over again I would train harder on the run and bike and do more brick workouts.

THIS. IS. ANTHEM.



(that's me kicking the race in the face!)

Oh yeah... I finished with an embarrassing amount of pizza  :)

Swim, Bike, Run, Eat.

Well tomorrow is my first triathlon. I am not sure how I feel about it... I am definitely excited, definitely nervous, a little bit nauseous (I ate A LOT of hummus at dinner) , and a little unsure of myself. Up until this point and all during training I never really thought about getting nervous, this is a good/bad habit of mine.  For example... I don't get nervous during training which allows me to train without too much mental stress, but that also means that I don't always push myself as hard or as far as I could. I also have a habit of freaking out the week of my races... not the 6 months or however long my training program is before but the week of I always end up having an "oh.shit." moment. That glorious moment usually goes something like this...

Inner fat kid: la la la, this pizza and beer is delicious, la la la

Skinny voice of reason: You should probably eat a salad  (that is all that bitch complains about)

Me: I feel like I have something going this week... eh... oh well, it will come to me

Inner fat kid: pizza, good. beer, good. nap time, good.

Skinny voice of reason: You should probably go run... (such a debbie downer)

Me: TRIATHLON!!! I need to pack, I need to run, I need to bike, I need to swim, I need to throw up.

Inner fat kid: We got this... go take that nap we talked about earlier

Skinny voice of reason: Told you so.   (snarky bitch)

Me: crap.

Then I make 8 million lists, leave them all at work and say screw it I will figure it out as I go. If I am not ready by now,  I am not going to be ready by tomorrow.

So I am going to jump into this with both feet, enjoy the hell out of myself and kick my own ass out on that course.

and eat pizza.
(after the race, not during)





Ps: I know I have a potty mouth, sorry if it is worse tonight. I am watching The Heat with Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock as I type this... 

carrots...

Are merely an excuse to eat hummus. 

Deep Thoughts with Lauren Ellis

sigh.

I love my job, I love the people I work with, but this is why working for coporate america sucks....

I am just over here, eating my steamed veggies and turkey burger all while staring 2 boxes of Dunkin Donuts. I am not one of those people who thinks "gross, fried dough? Covered in high fructose corn syrup, fake flavoring, and cancer causing food coloring?" I think damn that is a good looking fried piece of dough and I want to eat it. I want to eat all of them. Cake, sugar, cinnamon, long johns, maple, chocolate, sprinkles... dear god. Sprinkles.

F*&%$#&%#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I.WANT.A. DONUT. (doughnut?)

No doughnut.

Turkey Burger and Steamed veggies.

Donut.

No donut.

I am not being productive at all...




 

Terrifyingly awesome.

 Today I kicked my own ass.

 I woke up ran 2 miles went to work,came home, swam 2000 meters and then finished up with a spin class. It it was one of the best spin classes I have ever been to even though I dragged my feet all the way there. I was tired, I was cranky and I just flat out didn't wanna be there. But sometimes you just need an ass kicking to turn your entire day around. I knew I was in for it when I heard the instructor say that it was going to be a metallica kind of day. During the class she played metallica, disturbed, pink, and acdc. We were up, we were down, we were sprinting and before I knew I was having a blast. It turned my entire day around and it was terrifyingly awesome. The instructor told us if you don't feel like you're going to throw up you're not doing it right. she even made a "that's what she said" joke and I knew that if is possible to love a spawn of satan spin instructor, I had fallen hard. This really shows the importance of what a good workout can do. It can turn your entire day around put you in a better mood and even be a therapy session that you didn't know you needed. The next time your having a shitty day and the last thing you want to do is work out, go to the gym anyways! Run, bike, lift until you forget what you were mad about, sad about, or cranky about, blast music and let the world fall to the wayside because it will always be there when you get back.

I wish all this working out and spin class moments of enlightenment meant I get pizza but alas my skinny voice of reason put the fat kind in a headlock and cooked up a delicious dinner of pork chops (grilled not fried), sweet potatoes (roasted and not covered in marshmallows,sigh), zucchini (roasted with garlic and onion) and a corn bread muffin (fat kid snuck that one in while the skinny voice pretended to look away). 

The Fat Kid has Moves....

OK, confession time.
.
I just destroyed..DE-wait for it-STROYED a plate of turkey spinach enchiladas.

and.... I/the inner fat kid enjoyed it.  Yes, you heard right. I stuck my face in a plate of gooey gooey goodness and didn't come up for a breath. Actually I even ate by myself because I didn't even wait for Scott... That kind of hunger only comes around 87 times a day. The fat kid was dancing and eating, and dancing and eating, and then he choked a little bit on a tomato but recovered quickly and continued dancing.  The good news is these enchiladas are filled with a mix of good and bad like spinach, ground turkey, cream cheese, shredded cheese, and tomatoes. Bad news is I ate a plate full of them. Yep. And you know what?! I am not going to feel bad or apologize for it because I have worked my ass off this week, and get one cheat meal. So there!

yeah that sounds like rationalizing.

whelp. That's all I have for tonight...

lets review.

A: I ate a lot of food tonight
B: it was my cheat meal
C: I haven't decided If I feel guilty or if I am still basking in a glow of cheese and sour cream
D: I am still hungry and trying desperately not to be
E: the fat kid has moves
F: I still want a churro.


Good Night Everybody   :)

Just because I can.

I have opened and closed this page 2 or 3 times tonight. I thought of things I wanted to say, I thought of things I couldn't say, I thought of things I shouldn't want to say... But at the end of the day nothing sounded right so here you go. A little bit of motivation... 

pull that doughnut out of your mouth, put down the slice of pizza and go to the gym! 

Life Goals and Ricky Bobby.... Yep.

I bought bike today, and by bought a bike I mean I smiled at my husband as he handed over the credit card...also on an unrelated note we are eating top ramen for the next year.

This is a big step in my training, it means I can go outside!! away from the spin bikes and the spawn of Satan spin instructors.  I will now join the ranks of bike gangs you see roaming the streets around 5:30 in the morning.... Not like hells angels bike gangs but packs of idiots in spandex, clogs, and butt cream. I even have a helmet! (nothing funny about brain damage, folks!)

Tomorrow I will do my first ride (not including my ride around the neighborhood this afternoon when I learned how to use my gears and yelled "I wanna go fast!" repeatedly). We are going to do the race course to get a better idea of how long it will take me and how many donuts I need to replace my energy afterwards...I have timed my swim, I have a general idea of how fast I can run, and once we do this I will have a general idea of how long it will take me to finish the sprint tri. I know what time I want to finish in but I won't know if that is a realistic goal until after tomorrow.

Lauren's Realistic Goals:
Eating a whole pizza faster that Scott
Eating a churro in every "land" at Disneyland

Lauren's maybe realistic/maybe far fetched/maybe I just need to shut up and do it... Goals:
Finish a spint/olympic/half ironman
Run a marathon at Disneyworld
Swim the Alcatraz challenge
Eat a churro in every "land" at Disneyland

Have a great weekend everyone!

Fat Pants and Drunken Sorority Girl Brawls.

I am in a rut. I am not sure if it’s actually a rut if you are in the same “rut” for 6+ months… It might have been upgraded to a habit or lifestyle. Either way I need to get out of it, I need to refocus but I feel like I just don’t know how anymore. I have no idea how I made a decision last year, stuck with it, and ended up losing 30 pounds. Those Mf’ers are back and I want  need to get rid of them again. Fa Reals, Forever, good bye, adios, get the hell out of here and take my fat pants with you GONE. Saying one thing and making it sound special and pretty its great and all but the question is, can I do it? can I say no? can I push away pies, doughnuts, bean burritos, and pizza? Can I push my needs to the forefront and shove my stomachs wants to the back burner? I know I just need to have faith in myself, push myself, and tell the my stomach, my doubts, and the pizza guy to F*&k OFF! (sorry pizza guy, it’s not your fault. Please don’t spit in my cheat meal)

 

I did it before, I can do it again…right? RIGHT?! Hells yes I can… I think. Shit. I can do it! If Gabrielle Iglesias can say no to a few tacos then so can I!

 

Good Lord, my mind really goes off into a weird place sometimes. I just went back and re-read that sentence. Welcome to the upside down, chaotic, hungry world my brain lives in…

 

Ok so I will do it again! I will keep it off! I will say no! I will not go into the break room when they have doughnuts, and BBQ, and Chick Fila. I will cut down my caffeine! I will start prepping my foods again. If my stomach doesn’t like it then it can get the hell out! I will go to the gym and I won’t leave until I am the crying, sweating , sore, can’t breathe mess of a person. No more wussing out on workouts or leaving early. Me and my body are numero uno (tied for first with my family). No more “easy” meals, it takes just as much time to make a salad and grill some chicken as it does to make egg burritos. I will remember that enjoying restaurants does not revolve entirely around the food but the company. I do not deserve anything, I must work for my cheat meals and days of rest. I don’t need pizza. I do need to run. Working out is a privilege that is denied to many, quit taking it for granted. And when my stomach gets in a drunken sorority girl type brawl with my mind over what I am going to eat I will not let the hair pulling, nail scratching, and screaming deter me from my salad. SO THERE.

Some ramdom motivation for everyone!

Short Lived Moments of Greatness with a few random thoughts on Life, running, and Pizza tossed in.

 I ran my first race since the marathon yesterday. 14.12 miles (they measured the course wrong) of up and down mountain terrain, it was the most challenging half marathon I have run to date (that did not include electrocution). But I had a great time doing it! Beautiful scenery, well organized race, and plentiful aid stations.  I went into the race for the enjoyment of running and knowing full well that this would not be a PR race for me. My training has not been the best and I really do not have the urge to break any speed records. I averaged a 12:50 pace and came in at 3 hours, slow but considering I walked the back half of the race, I will take it! the second  6.5 miles were up hill on a uneven dirt road, this portion of the race KICKED. MY. ASS.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel my quads, and the only thing that kept me going was the fact that an 80 year old man (Who I had passed on the way down) was quickly passing me and eventually put so much distance between us that I lost him. We were at 5k-6k feet and the elevation coupled with the uphill just crushed me, I still have a cough today from the lack of oxygen in the air. I also ran with Scott, Stacey, and Heather... my partners in idiocy.

So since I had 3 hours to kill I had a lot of time to think and try to take my mind off of running and knee pain. Here is a quick list of random thoughts that go through my head while running.

1. I am hungry
2. I should eat
3. What should I eat
4. I am running 13 miles, I can eat whatever I want
5. Pizza, definitely pizza
6. How much pizza
7. A whole one (and if you think I mean a whole slice, A. welcome to my blog, B. you're adorable)
8. Where can I get pizza at 9 am
9. Oh hey, there is my tendinitis. I didn't miss you.
10.This feels like longer than 13.1 miles

I also wore my Blerch shirt from The Oatmeal ( if you are a runner and you don't know what the oatmeal is, I recommend googling the oatmeal, long distance running. You're Welcome.) and I had a few people come up and compliment my shirt and ask me if I ran into the wall.... But I do not believe in the wall! (this will make a whole lot more sense if you read the oatmeal, http://theoatmeal.com/comics/running, go ahead I will wait.
.
.
.
.
.
See?! now you understand the awesomness and the Blerch.
So anyways, I wore my Blerch shirt and I had this fleeting moment of awesomness... I had a lady come up to me and start frantically pointing at my shirt, I was wearing my headphones and jamming out to NKOTB so I am not entirely sure how long she was doing this for but I finally pulled my headphones out and tried to understand what she was saying and make sure she wasn't having a seizure. She told me she loved my shirt and loves that blog, here is how that conversation went

her: I love your shirt, I read that blog all the time!
me: Thanks!, yeah I love the Oatmeal!
Her: the what?
me:


The oatmeal, its the website where I got this shirt and the guy who originally wrote about the Blerch!

Her: Oh, no I read it on some lady's blog.
Me: (inner voice) Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. I have just met a complete stranger that reads my blog!
Me: (Actual voice) Really?! what is the name of it??
Her: Oh, I can't remember
Me. Oh. Does it have something to do with a Fat Kid?
Her: No, no. that's not it.
Me: Ok Byeeeeee, gotta run


I got so momentarily excited, I finally found that runners high that all those crack pot ultra marathoners talk about but it was quickly shot down. At this point I picked up my pace so I could get out of distance and stop to giggle like an idiot at myself.
So all it all it was a good race, I did not eat pizza but I did make a waiter at red lobster uncomfortable with the amount of cheddar bay bisuits and endless shrimp I put away.

Have a great weekend everyone, beat down those fat kids (Inner! Inner fat kids! Don't go abusing children with glandular problems!)

Don't judge.

It's only 1 tablespoon and I am starving... DONT JUDGE :)




You can also now follow the fat kid on twitter as I awkardly try to narate my batlles, play by play, against the fat kid. It's not pretty but you can't say I didn't warn you!

@bdmyinnerfatkid

#beatingdownmyinnerfatkid
#stillnotsureimdoingthisright

 

Woooo Saaaah

I worry way too much, I stress, I create imaginary situations that may or may not happen but have not happened yet and I worry about that. I worry about anything I can worry about. It’s not my best quality but I have also found its part of what makes me, me. It’s why I push myself harder to be the best I can be, it’s what keeps me going when all I want to do is take a nap. Today is one of those days, I am just dragging ass. I can’t drink enough coffee to keep my eyes open and my give a shit is broken. I know I just need to get through the day, go home, make dinner, and just relax. Maybe go for a run to help decompress and come back tomorrow ready to go. 

So as I was thinking about what I would write I decided to shut my brain off and scan facebook for a little while, as I was doing this I came across one of those Jesus loves you E-Cards that said “my child, you worry too much. I’ve got this, remember? –God”

Now, I am not an overly religious person, I am a Christmas and easter mass/service going, catholic raised, Lutheran married hybrid.  But this struck a chord with me, sometimes the one thing I have to remember is just to have faith. Faith in whatever you chose to believe in. Whether that is God, the universe, or the idea that the cardinals may one day win the superbowl… Just Faith that things will happen the way they are supposed to.  As much as my bossy pants self would love to control every situation and every moment of every day, I can’t.

My promise to myself today is to not worry (too much). Projects will get handled, Training will happen, Races will be run, Appointments will be made (and kept). I have faith that I will find time for it all and I will accomplish what I set out to accomplish, maybe not with style or the upmost class, and I may stick a straw in a wine bottle as I work but it will get done.  

Stupid salad and its stupid leaves.

My salad is pissing me off today.

 

 I know what an Idiotic, ridiculous sentence that is but it's how I feel today. I made myself a decent breakfast (egg whites with sauteed spinach and mushrooms) I had mini sweet peppers for my snack and lunch was supposed to be a salad with grilled chicken and avocado. Supposed to, being the key words in that sentence. My first hint that lunch wasn't going my way was when I realized I was out of dressing and I would have to eat my salad dry. Second hint was my frozen and wilted lettuce. So instead of eating my salad anyways, I cut up my chicken and avocado and proceeded to eat it with excruciating slowness as I shot dirty looks at my uncooperative salad.

 

Childish? Yes. Ridiculous? Yes.

 

But I'm still pissed off at an inanimate object because its not the dairy queen blizzard mixed with a shot of rum that I want it to be.

 

I may eat it later if I get hungry enough (that seems highly probable, my stomach seems to think it is constantly on the verge of starvation) but for right now I am ignoring it and its stupid vitamin packed leaves.

 

Ok. My rant against lettuce is over :)

 

 

This guy gets me...

 

Da Bears.

It is officially football season in the Ellis household, we have switched from watching the Diamondbacks to watching the wildcats and bears. Saturdays and Sundays are now devoted to football, pork, couches, beer, and Da Bears.  Bear Down is screamed out on a regular basis, along with Bill Swerski and the Super Fans quotes. We wear jerseys, eat bad food, and scream at our TV, all in the name of football. This is one of my favorite times of the year, not because I am a overly devoted football fan but because I am an overly devoted food fan. I love cold weather, football themed food. Yes it is still over 100 degrees on a regular basis in Arizona but that's our fall season. We will be trick or treating in tank tops and shorts...  So with fall and football comes pumpkin spice lattes, brauts, chili, and all sorts of dips. Can we just take a few minutes to pay homage to all the dips?
1. Cheese dips, this is a general category because I don't have the time to list all my favorite cheese based dips.
2. Bean dips
3. Spinach/Artichoke Dips
3. Salsa Dips
4. Ranch/onion Dips
5. Cream cheese dips
Plus all the fantastic dipping vessels, toasted bread, fresh pretzels, chips, etc.

I love all this food but I can't eat all this food so I have to stay away from it all. So on this rainy Sunday morning as I sip my coffee and watch Da Bears I am writing, because if I am writing then I am not eating, or cooking, or baking. Which is exactly what I would like to be doing. We are having turkey chili for dinner, this is kind of a compromise on my part. It sounds good, and it sounds like rainy day football food but its healthy. I know, I know. This is very un-american of me. Somewhere up in heaven Chris Farley is crying over his sausage and beer. But I can't let myself rationalize every bad food decision I make. Believe me this was hard, I walked around the grocery store for a good 45 minutes picking up and putting down different ingredients for different calorie laden, deliciousness. I finally squashed the fat kid who was running around the cheese aisle like a bath salt crazed maniac and left with the few items I actually needed. I didn't even buy cornbread or biscuits to go with our Chili. I am resolved to not make a holiday out of every weekend and allow all the work I do during the week to be crushed. I will repeat this over and over again to myself as I enjoy my chili and try to not pout over the lack of pie.

Happy Sunday everyone!


Turkey Chili recipe:

Extra lean ground turkey (1lb)
1 green bell pepper chopped
1 red bell pepper chopped
2 cloves garlic chopped
1/2 onion chopped
can of tomato sauce (low sodium)
can of pinto beans
can of kidney beans
cumin, red chili flakes, salt (all to taste)

brown ground turkey, onions, garlic, and bell peppers until turkey is cooked all the way through the vegetables have softened. Add tomato sauce, beans, and seasoning. Allow to simmer on low heat and serve when ready. This also works well in a crockpot!

We top with cheese and onions

Ode to Running

I signed up for another 1/2 marathon, I am not sure why, and I am not sure how, but I did it. Not only am I running 13.1 miles but I am doing it at 6,500 ft and on a trail. No I have never run long distance at elevation, no I have never done a trail race before, and no I have not been training for the last 3 months. So this should be fun.... I have written a training schedule that will include 4 runs a week, 2 cross training days, and 3 lifting days. I am just going to start crushing and snorting ibuprofen.  So in honor of getting back into running and all that comes along with it. Here is my Ode to running (Sounds fancy right?)

Ode to Running

Here's to the early mornings to beat the heat, the half drunken stumble you do out the door at 4 am to try and get 10 miles in. 

Here's to the gallons of peanut butter, vaseline, body glide, goo, powerade, and water. Which you may  or may not consume in any particular order. 

Here's to proudly (ish) leaving your house wearing spandex and a fanny pack around your waist. 

Here is hiding your fanny pack and spandex when friends come over. 

Here is to the small wave, the high five, the nod, or the please dear god call 911 that you give your fellow runners on early Saturday mornings. 

Here's to act like its no big deal when you consume more calories than a baby calf after a 10 mile run then proceed to crash in a pool of your own sweat and happiness. 

Here is to significant others who dutifully pop blisters, wash your god awful laundry, stretch you when you feel like your muscles have been replaced with concrete, and stay with you in spite of it all. 

Here's to new races, new shirts, and new stickers

Here's too spending way to much money in pre race exhibit halls. Hell, here's to spending too much money!

Here's to new shoes every other week that cost more than your car payment but promise to stop your shin splints forever. 

Here's to having an excuse to eat pizza and drink beer (carb loading)

Here's to enjoying the hell out of yourself and learning to step outside your comfort zone. 

I guess that wasn't really and ode. In fact I don't really know what an Ode is. Lets call it a cheers, yes. Cheers to running and runners!

Mmm This cucumber is delicious

said no fat kid ever.


one of those days.. I just had to get my "cucumbers are not pizza" anger out