Halfway

Well. 

I have survived the first half of training, only 5 weeks to go. 

5 weeks to take another considerable chunk of time off my miles

I have made significant strides with my speed but I have to now add in consistency

AND take away some of the standing on a random road trying to suck air into my lungs while convincing my legs to keep going and simultaneously yelling numerous amounts of curse words put together in creative fun lengthy strings. 

Yes. 

Less of that. 

I am starting to get into the longer miles and every weekend is based on when and how I can get my run in

Waking up at 5  (ON A WEEKEND!) 

eating oatmeal

wearing fanny packs

having friends drive out to bring you lube on a Sunday morning

LUBE DELIVERY ON A SUNDAY

Yeah. That happened

Chill out it was for my arms

Oh, whats that you say? 

Why would one put lube on their arms?

that's not the fun way to use it?

Well... 

That's, like,  your opinion man. 

Also some of us don't quite think out the fact that their super cool back pack that carries treats (yes I call them treats) and water might create enough friction under their arms to start a fire (or draw blood)

Training is FUN!

also... time to switch back to the fanny pack

But progress is happening

improvement is happening 

Those are W's in my world

Is there a chance that I won't hit the sub 2?

Yes 

It's so hard to balance this brain of mine

Inner Athlete is screaming " There is no failure! We DO NOT accept defeat. Sub 2 or die trying" 

Inner rational Lauren says "give it everything you have, but don't let this consume you"

Inner Fat Kid wants to know if we get pizza afterwards and by afterwards he means do we really have to run at all and can't we just eat the pizza? 

Its a 3 way tug of war. 

Right now I am leaning towards " If you can walk when you finish you didn't push hard enough but if you don't hit your goal then try again and a large Sausage double cheese."

Training continues

The inner battle continues

I continue. 

LUBE DELIVERY! 

Ya'll I had to put out an SOS to my running friends to bring me lube

And she showed up with multiples kinds

 that cracks me up. 

It just makes me giggle

Ok I will stop

Anyways... 

everyone have a good week and I will try to get better at checking in 

LUBE

SOS

I sent out a lube SOS

Ok I swear that was the last time... 

Discipline

Discipline has never really been my thing

Donuts have been my thing

Pizza has been my thing

Eating Chinese food and watching blazing saddles has been my thing

But discipline…

Nah, I’m good thanks.

I wait for motivation to strike and then I bleed that well dry

Example: training for 3 half iron and 1 full iron distance races in 12 months.

As I entered my (Scotts) credit card info I basked in my motivation

I sat high upon my motivation mountain and looked down

I was motivation, I breathed motivation, I became one with motivation

Right up until I wasn’t

The well was dry

I was chugging my bike up another goddamn hill thinking how I could be eating donuts and not chewing on another peanut butter and jelly sandwich and boom motivation was gone.

The fickle creature left me right in the middle of my training.

Poof.

Gone.

See Ya Later

My motivation had gone to the pizza parlor to kick back with a beer

I was still on the hill

It was discipline that kept me from throwing my bike in front of traffic and following my motivation to get pizza

There has to be a balance

As soon as I crossed that finish line I lost a large chunk of both

I put my bike in hibernation, nursed my sore and chafed body parts, and went after some beer and pizza.

Its 6 months later

My bike and I are still not talking

Nether regions have not forgiven me

I have enjoyed the hell out of not training

I do miss competition but I am sticking to my year off

The problem with a year off is finding the discipline and motivation to treat my body like it deserves

 My goal is happy and healthy

Not a finish line

Not a specific weight

Not a certain pair of jeans

Happy

Healthy

So I have had to find discipline

Motivation is easier

Motivation is my husband, my family, our trip to New Zealand

Discipline is looking over a pile of donuts as I eat my eggs

Are donuts the devil?

No

Do I have to eat only Kale and water to hit my goals?

Nope.

In fact if I did that I would be miserable

Miserable is very far from happy and healthy

 

So what is the point of my random ramblings?

Motivation will not always be there

Discipline will not always be there

Keep moving forward regardless

If you don’t have motivation to go to the gym that day then go because you are a disciplined athlete

No discipline to put down the donuts? Then use your motivation to back away and eat something that makes you feel good.

We have to find balance

None of us are perfect

Least of all me

 

Find the balance

Find the motivation

Find the discipline

Find Happiness.

Rambling

I have an eating disorder

I know you are probably thinking I look more like an eating disorder survivor

I am not anorexic

I am not bulimic

I am Eating Disorder Non-Specified

Did you know that was a thing?

I didn’t

 I thought you were either too skinny to be healthy

Or too heavy to be healthy

Or a crossfitter

No in between

I figured I would slide nicely into a binge eating/food aggression category

Do you eat full pizzas by yourself?

Yes.

Have you ever sacrificed a taco bell menu to the gods of all things Hangry?

Hell yes.

Are you willing to share your food?

Nope.

 Turns out all these feelings I had about food put me in a separate category

I eat, but every meal

(unless it was Kale and Chicken)

Results in shame, guilt, fear of gaining weight, fear of going the other direction and not eating

As well all know this came to a head a few months ago

I have this amazing team of people now who’s only goal is for me to lead a joyous life free from the constraints of anxiety, body image issues, and food based shame.

Cool, right?

I know that my family, my friends, my circle of people have wanted that for me for years

I have wanted it for years

And now I have this team of people to help make that happen

A therapist (2 actually), a registered dietitian, my PCP, and soon an psychiatrist to help with the anxiety

Writing it out makes it seem like a lot…

But I want this shit to be over and done with.

And I have all these amazing people behind me supporting me like my husband, my parents, my family, my friends, the dogs (they are not sure what to do but wagging their tails seems to help)

One thing that my husband has told me that really sticks out is that shame thrives on darkness, it can’t survive in the light.

So screw shame.

I am done feeling guilty about what I eat or how much I eat.

I am done wondering if everyone at the table is thinking about what a poor food decision I just made

“Geez, she going to have another breadstick? I thought she was a triathlete or something”

(not that anybody has ever said that but my brain thinks they are)

You want to know the best part of this?

No more fucking dieting.

If the problem is dieting it can’t also be the answer

I get to eat what I want

When I want

I don’t have to run 20 miles to eat a slice of pizza

I can have pizza any damn time I feel like it

Or egg burritos

Or god forbid sour cream on my chipotle bowl

Or  *gasp* a chipotle burrito

Yep.

Pizza loses its power when it’s not some forbidden item that you can never eat

If you know you can have it all the time then you stop acting like it’s the last supper every time you get near one.

I would eat a whole pizza no problem and I would rationalize it as either

1. its ok because I ran/biked/swim a crazy amount today

Or

2. this is the last pizza I will ever eat because starting tomorrow I am really going to stick to *insert fad diet name* and this could be my last pizza

So guess what? I am eating pizza

I have had more pizza in the last 3 months that I did in the last year

But! I stop when I am full, I slow down and work on recognizing my hunger/satiety cues and I don’t go overboard

That is the “normal” way to eat

Which most people are thinking, duh.

But I have never been normal

At some point in time something made me believe that the way I ate was shameful

So I started to hide my eating habits

(my parents used find me in the pantry at night)

what a weirdo.

I ate taco bell in parking lots and threw away the evidence before I got home

Just because I didn’t want to disappoint people

(What?! saying that outloud sounds capital K Ka-razy)

I was worried, so worried that that people would judge what I was eating or they would be disappointed in my food choices that my anxiety manifested itself into physical symptoms. 

Physical symptoms! 

Seriously Lauren?

Yep. 

Anxiety that could choke a Donkey.

I don't even know what that means but it suuuuuucks. 

 So now I am working on eating mindfully

I eat when I am hungry 

(not just because the food is there)

 stop when I am full

(not when I hate myself)

There are no good foods or bad foods

No “clean” eating

If you make such a big deal to eat “clean” food then you are telling yourself that the other food is dirty

Hmm. No thanks

More guilt? More Anxiety?

I’m gonna pass

I don't want you to think its easy and that I have had some giant revelation. 

every meal is a fight still but I am creating new habits and that takes time. 

So where does this rambling end?

No clue

The fat kid is out and wandering around in a daze

(He is very confused by the abundance of pizza and pancakes)

Sometimes he still wants to shove donuts in my face as fast as he can

But now we both step back, take a deep breath, eat the donut and move on with our day

Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we surface 10 minutes later with powdered sugar on our face. 

balance.

He’s happy, I am working my way towards happy, and every day we keep working

We don’t succeed every day but we keep at it. 

sorry bout that.