In the words of Bruce Willis

Hi. 

It's been a while

A long while

My computer gave me a "new number who dis" when I tried to sign in 

 My self imposed year off is over 

I celebrated by signing up for a half marathon

because... duh 

and I am sure you are all wondering why I signed up for another race

But Lauren, you didn't even know if you liked racing anymore

You couldn't remember what it was like to enjoy training

you spent hours and days wondering if you actually liked racing or if you did it because other people in your life enjoy racing. 

You.Took.A.Year.Off. 

and this is what you decide??

A half marathon?

way to ease into it dipshit

Guess what?

Turns out I really do like racing

training.... eh

its alright

but racing.

Fuck... 

its the best. 

Finish lines and cheering crowds

people pushing to be their best

the adrenaline

the sweat

the feeling like your chest is about to explode and  your legs might give out and jesus christ am I hallucinating or is that pepperoni pizza at an aid station

its the best.

and I missed it

at first I didn't think I did

I went to a few races and without fail 17 or more people asked me if I was sad

and I proudly held up my breakfast burrito, looked down at my sandals and said NO!

then a few months later I went to some more races

and I watched people cross the finish line

cross the finish line into a giant puddle of sweaty stinky smiling mess

and I smiled

then I teared up

then I said seriously Lauren? get yo shit together. 

and thats when I realized 

I missed racing

I missed it so much

I wanted to grab a bib from someone, anyone and push my legs to the limit

I wanted to have the black lung from a particularly hard run

I wanted the hunger and the pain

I wanted it all

Its official.

I.LOVE.THIS.SHIT

Love it 

I have this competitiveness that has to be let out 

running gives me that feeling

and it doesn't matter if I am first or last

(but first would be pretty fucking cool)

It matters that I gave it everything I have. 

Will I do another full Ironman?

probably not

Will I do another half Ironman?

Fuck Yes I will

and I will hit sub 7

Will I have moments of failure, moments of wanting to quit, moments of doubt, fat kid off the leash at at buffet moments

Ha... oh yes, so so many moments. 

Will I decided to push for a sub 2 hour half?

You betcha

Will I make other decisions that make people question my sanity?

More than likely. 

but fuck. 

Life is too damn short to give it anything but everything you've got. 

As the wise Bruce Willis once said

Eviction Notice

I have  started working on fixing my issues with food from the inside out 

I want to have a healthy relationship with food

I want to enjoy it with out stress or guilt

I want to be healthy

I want to be happy

and I don't want that happiness tied to what I did or didn't eat this week 

So I am getting help

I have tried everything I know

 I have read all the books

 Studied the theories

I have tried this diet

and that diet

and that one too

I have worked my body to exhaustion and pushed it beyond limits

but I am still overweight and I am tired

tired of trying everything

tired of stressing out 

tired of food anxiety

tired of anxiety in general 

Part of my wishes I could just say fuck it. 

this is me

I am overweight, I am squishy. 

I can also run a shit ton of miles, out swim most people, and I am going to be an Ironman

but that little voice, that asshole fat kid whispers that its not enough

I am not enough unless I can be an Ironman who only eat kale and chicken

I see the ridiculousness in that statement

but when I am not strong enough

when I am tired

when I am sad

the fat kid goes from a whisper to a scream

the fat kid has had a long enough reign

its time to shut him up for good

and its not about losing weight

if this is me and I can say that I am eating right 80% of the time

that I am doing everything in my power to train for my races

then I need to learn to accept that

I need to learn to accept me

fuck the fat kid. 

be healthy

be me

So its time to bring in the big guns to give the fat kid his eviction notice

Nutritionist

&

Therapist

(specializes in disordered eating)

(Please.Please.Please do not worry about me. I am happy with this decision and I am sticking with it. No I am not ready to talk about it, no this is not anybody fault, nobody gets to place any blame or feel pity. This is not oh poor Lauren. This is positive.)

I have been struggling with sharing this information the last couple weeks. 

Not because I am ashamed, scared, or worried what people will think. 

I have worried about that crap for long enough.

I just prefer my privacy

But.

BUT... if one person out there is unhappy, sad, and struggling. 

I hope you are able to find someone to talk to. 

If one person finds comfort in knowing that they are not alone

they are not the only one struggling

they are not the only one who feels like they can't do it alone anymore

then putting myself out there is worth it.