the struggle is real

Food is a struggle for me

I still enjoy it but not like I used to, it also comes with a sense of anxiety and a room full of questions.

This for me is one of things I struggle with the most as an overweight person.

Every meal whether it is good, bad, healthy, recovery, nutrient dense, or a plate of ice cream comes with a 20 minute (or longer) battle with myself and the fat kid.

Is this good for me?

Did I work for this food?

Will this help my body?

Does this really need cheese? Of course it needs cheese. But do I really need cheese? Shit. Where did I put the cheese?... Scott, did you have a quesadilla???

How will this affect my weight tomorrow morning?

Well. I had 8 slices of pizza and each slice is about 200-300 calories so, I have to run like 20 miles tomorrow.

Am I making the right choice?

Did I serve myself enough? 2 plates of salad and 4 chicken breasts doesn’t seem like it will fill me up.

Am I happy with this choice? Can I defend this choice?

Are people looking at what I am eating and judging me?  Maybe I should go up to that complete stranger and explain that I got up at 4am this morning and ran to explain why I am eating so much food…

Do I have to be full at every meal? Maybe I could be one of those people who only eats half of a portion.

Seriously, I just bought a bag of cheese yesterday. Where the hell did it go??

What if I just chew 4 cups of ice before I eat? That will trick my stomach right?

Carrots. Carrots are the answer… I will just eat bags of carrots in between meals

Maybe I should just drink protein shakes for every meal

And on, and on , and on it goes

Bad meals lead to guilt

Good meals lead to a false sense of security

Small meals lead to binges

Big meals lead to more guilt

A cycle of food and emotion that I have created.

And I know people are reading this and thinking… “ you have to break free from the chains that you and food have placed on yourself”

I wish it was that easy.

This is a battle I have been fighting for a long time. It’s not that easy. I know that sounds defensive and a little cranky.

Part of me even hears what I say and thinks… just shut up. Stop. If you want to change something then make that f’ing change. How hard can it be? Put the breadstick down and walk away. Learn to say no every once in a while.

And so ensues another battle with the fat kid. The little  bastard is winning right now.

inquiring minds want to know

Ever look at your salad and wonder if anyone would notice if you just dipped your croutons into the dressing?

Instead of actually eating the lettuce

Or that you snuck a meatball in?

Running and Diddy

I will be the first to admit that I am not always the most social person in the world.

 I tend to be very shy at first and I have always preferred the company of a very few rather than large groups of people. When it comes to racing I've never been any different, I tend to keep my head down, my sunglasses on, and my earphones in. I might have even growled a time or two at the people who would pass me and pat me on the back with a "good job buddy or keep going you've got this." Running to me used to be about punishing my body for the food sins I had committed or was about to commit( okay it's still kind of about the beer and pizza) . The farther I delved into the racing world the more I came out of my shell.

 I have never found a group of more positive or supportive people than I have in the running & Triathlon World. They are just so damn happy.

 I'm not sure how they manage it but I'm trying to be more like them and focus on the good that comes from running biking or swimming rather than the shin splints and raging hulk inducing  hunger. I've made more friends than I thought it would in the racing world, I always kind of figured that I would keep my close nit group of idiots and that would be the end of the story. Rather they seem to embrace me regardless of my foul mouth or my tendency to say inappropriate things at inappropriate times. I made a poop joke the first week and they haven't thrown me out so I think I'm OK. Its not uncommon for me to be bent over at the track trying not to throw up grasping my shins and complaining in ways that would make a sailor blush but without fail I usually hear a "good job Lauren" and I know I have to push through the next set of laps.

Maybe it's those endorphins I keep hearing about but I still think those are a load of crap.

Happy running everyone! 

and remember... 

If Diddy can do it...You can do it

 

Runners

There is a moment that every runner experiences at one time or another. This moment for me begin 5 steps into my first sprint of the night, I had already run 3 miles and I was gearing up to finish strong. I'm going to warn you now this is not for the faint of heart, as is par for the course for me. Scott I'm sorry it's been 3 years and the honeymoon may be over after this next sentence.

Let me say again this is the moment that every runner experiences... That moment where you feel a rumbling between your bottom half and your top half but you're not sure which half its gonna come out of. This happens for a number of different reasons maybe you didn't eat right today whether that's what you ate how much you ate or how much you didn't eat, maybe you didn't hydrate properly today or maybe your body's just giving youa big f you because its 110 out and you think running at the track is going to be a "fun" time.

Again let me apologize, I know not everybody who reads what I have to say is expecting to bond with me like this. it's okay this is a safe zone and we're all best friends now  :)

Another fair warning I am my father's daughter and I think poop jokes are funny, yes I am 27 years old and I still laugh at poop jokes if you do not find them funny I don't recommend checking out the next picture but it made me laugh. A lot. Like a lot a lot.

Fat Kid Update

Holy Crap. 

It has been over a month since the last time I blogged!

So what have the fat kid and I been up to??? 

Whole 30.

Rocked it. (ok, maybe not rocked it but I finished it)

Cried like a baby over the loss of cheese in my life.

Lost 10 lbs. 

I didn't have any life changing or lightning bolt moments but I did feel better

I like it as a basis for everyday eating but not as a bible. 

Colorado

Gained all 10 lbs back.

Drank A LOT of beer

Laughed so hard I cried

Ate a burrito the size of my head

Watched my husband drink, sway, and sing on a bus of equally drunken people

Started training for CYA (6 hour race)

then stopped training for CYA and focused on tacos. 

started training again and focused on shin splints

Started running with Gotta Run in Surprise

I met some awesome people

reintroduced myself to heatstroke

Spent a good portion of the time trying not to vomit 

Heather had the baby!

I have my partner in crime back

I have another awesome nephew

I get to hold a baby

and buy obnoxiously adorable clothes

people still think we are a couple at the gym. 

Decided to do a 100 mile challenge

100 miles in 31 days

easy? pffft  I got this. 

I am a runner. 

I run. 

Ok... I jog-ish

8 days and 27 miles in.

I need ice and ibuprofen. 

So that brings us to today! I have a 6 hour race this weekend that I am not prepared for but I have trained my liver hard for the drinking that will commence approximately 1 nap and 2 pizzas after the race ends. This race has never been about time or distance it has been a chance to get out of the heat and burn enough calories to validate a pizza binge. I am hoping to get around 15 miles in but the more miles I get in the more pizza and beer I get to have (do you see the theme??) So who knows maybe I will do a marathon this weekend... HA!

If I do a marathon this weekend, Scott better push me around whiskey row in a wheel chair. I will be that old lady sleeping in the corner with a peperoni stuck to her shirt and whiskey in her sippy cup. 

Actually that sounds pretty darn awesome...

 Scott please remember to pack my sippy cup and fanny pack! Oh and my calf sleeves and gaiters... 

crap. I almost forgot... my spandex too!!

Its going to be hard to look as cool as me... 

Anxiety Girl

Whole30 ends this week and we also going on vacation. 

I am not really sure how I am feeling about it, I have adjusted to the paleo lifestyle easier than I thought I would. 

That doesn't mean I don't spend 90% of my day thinking about cheese or daydreaming about a huge coffee topped of with french vanilla creamer but the choices are easier than they used to be. 

I can pick an omelet at a restaurant and not choke on the words when I ask for no cheese

I can make dinner for us and enjoy it 

I am not eating just rabbit food and I am eating enough to fill me up

I feel like I am actually making a lifestyle change. 

I still have a lot of weight to lose and work to do on me and my body but I feel like I am in a good place. 

I am also struggling with how to get back to the real world and not go completely off the deep end. 

My goals are to work harder on my race training, continue to eat paleo style 6 days a week and then give myself 1 cheat meal a week. 

I am a worrier. 

I worry about hypothetical situations before they could even happen. 

So I am having a tiny panic attack over eating on vacation

On one hand I am excited beyond belief to have a giant coffee with cream and cheese on my eggs

On the other hand I am getting chest palpitations thinking about gaining the weight back and throwing away every choice I made over the last 30 days. 

I know its just another series of choices 

5 days of choosing to not eat crap at every meal

5 days of making the best choices possible

5 days of making sure that I earn the calories I do choose

5 days of enjoying myself, my husband, and my family

Its just 5 days right?

I am about to complete 30 days of sticking to my goals I can handle 5 days. 

right? 

right. 

right, goddammit. 

In a constant state of hangry

If you have ever read my blog then you know that I have a few "issues" with food. 

These issues are centered around 3 main problems....

I eat too fast

I eat too much

I am constantly hungry

This has led to some unfortunate moments in my life and I thought that I should definitely put some of my most embarrassing moments on the internet. 

Disneyland January 2013

I had just finished running the Tinkerbell half marathon and we all decided to go grab Subway as a post-race/ pre-Disney day breakfast. We walked in the door, I pushed my nieces to the ground and ran up to be first in line. I ordered my footlong egg white flat bread, filled up my drink, safely tucked away my cookies and got to work. Now the next few moments were a blur but the next thing I knew my sister in law was sitting down next to me with her breakfast. I came out of the red haze just long enough to hear Heather utter the words "Don't judge me, I ordered a footlong"

She was asking ME not to judge HER. 

ME.

The hangry individual who had EATEN her entire footlong sandwich in the time it took Heather to order hers. 

When Heather and I realized that I had already eaten my sandwich we both about fell out of our seats laughing. 

I was kind of ashamed... kind of (I was mostly still hungry)

Mothers Day 2014

I got up early, ran 5 miles, ate an apple, and hiked North Mountain with my family. 

Now, if you know me or have spent any time reading this blog then you know that AN apple is not going to fill me up or keeping me from torturing and pillaging the village folk. 

So when we finally arrived at the restaurant I was a little... um... Hulk Smash-ish

my husband safely termed it "twitchy"

When we sat down I quickly ordered my cheese-less omelet with tomato slices and got to work. 

 I polished it off in about 5 seconds and our waitress came out quickly to clear my plate.

Scott was not far behind me and then proceeded to finish Heathers meal, in order to make room for her plate he put his empty plate in front of me. 

No big deal, right?

I had already eaten, I was staying strong just minding my own business.

Then the waitress came back.

I know we have all had those moments where we think something maybe not so nice and somehow it comes out of our mouth. 

This was one of those moments for the waitress...

As she came back to check on us she saw another empty plate in front of me and as she went to clear it and uttered the phrase 

"oh you ate that too?"

Whoops. 

Yes ma'am you did in fact say that out loud... and no I did not "eat that too"

After Scott and Heather climbed back in their chairs and quit laughing I might of smiled... 

assholes. 

Today

Most of these stories start with exercise... 

That makes my red haze of hunger rage sound better

This morning I got up, biked 8 miles to breakfast where Scott met me with shoes and a table at The Good Egg. 

Not a bad way to start my day... 

So I ordered my usual, La Casa Potencia
6 egg whites, chicken, salsa, and bell peppers
Healthy, delicious, and a lot of food.
I was starving so while Scott continued to talk and tried to hold a conversation I focused on my meal.
I still listened I just didn't converse back...
We made it through our meal and we were getting ready to go pay when the waitress stopped by...
She looked over our table and said
"Well I was going to ask you if you needed any to go boxes but it looks like you ate it ALL"
She was so amazed that we had eaten all of our food.
I just looked at Scott... not quite sure what to say.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or pull out my hair...


 
I have amazed people with how much food I can eat and how quickly I can eat it.
I wish I could say that  I am not always like this but I can't back up that statement
Scott and I find the funny in it and usually ending up laughing like loons as we each kill a large pizza

Not for the faint of heart or the easily queasy.

This morning I went for my first outside real run in almost 2 weeks, between life and being sick I managed to push training to the back burner. I made it to the gym but I found ways of avoiding the treadmill... I am sick... cough, cough, sniffle...I just can't breathe right yet.... I am still exausted... I need to make dinner... I have to feed the horses....I need to work on my taxes... Frozen is on. I could go on and on. Anyways, I decided that while I wasn't ready to run 8-9 miles, I could certainly lace up my asics, grab my mace, and get out on the road. Problem was I forgot one key item...Tissues. I have been sick for about a week now, I finally feel better but I still have a smokers cough and enough snot to float the titanic. 

This may be a little late but just fyi this is going to be a gross post... snot, boogers, gaging... it has it all. 

So. I forgot tissues. 

I ran out the door with my blinking light (so people don't hit my with their cars), my music (So I can forget about running), my mace (so I can hurt any gangsters running loose on the mean streets of arrowhead at 5am). Ok so I forgot tissues, no big deal right? I have blown plenty of snot rockets in my time. Snot rockets are a part of any long distance runners, run. Don't get all high and mighty on me and act like you have never gone for a run in the cold and had to stop to blow one out or wipe the frozen snot off your face. 

We all do it. 

Well, because my body is producing enough snot to fill a football stadium I blew my first snot rocket about 1/4 mile in. No big deal, just blew it and moved on. Well by the end of my 1st mile it felt like I had done this about 87 times, I decided I would just keep running next time my nostrils filled up and everything would be fine. 

Don't do this. It was a bad idea. I repeat... BAD. IDEA. 

This next sentence may change how you feel about me. 

I blew my snot rocket, kept running, it bounced off my shoulder, and hit me in the eye. 

I will let that settle for a few moments... take your time... absorb it. 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Nasty, right? 

I didn't even know what to do, I just stood there in the middle of a neighborhood at 5am trying to get snot out of my eye and comprehend what in the hell had just happened. 

SNOT. IN.MY.EYE.

Not only was it in my eye, I also had it hanging on my shoulder still.

(see above as to how  much snot I am producing)

I know. 

So I cleaned myself up, looked around to make sure nobody had seen the snot incident and kept running. 

Only to follow it up with a 5 minute gagging episode. 

Vomit doesn't bother me, seeing it, hearing it, doing it myself. I am ok on the vomit train however I have a slight problem when it comes to trying to get phlegm out of my throat. I can't do it. Every time I try I end of gagging and fighting the impeding spew. 

Well after running a few more miles, my phlegm decided to fight back. 

So there I am standing in a different part of the same neighborhood gagging, hacking, and walking around like a dog about to throw up as I try to get this god awful crud out of my chest. I know I had to look like a crazy person. 

The good news is I managed to not mace myself, which was a legitimate worry when my husband bought me my travel size pink mace. 

I think I will give my body a few more days before I try to do another long run. 

A fort of blankets

I have planted my ass on the proverbial wagon and I intend to stay there. However I am also sick, full on snotty nose, cough, can't breathe sick. I have been downing Dayquil, Nyquil, allergy meds, cough drops, essential oils, and water with enthusiasm or at least determination. I have already spent the majority of my weekend sick, I refuse to spend the whole work week sick. 

There are a few problems that come with being sick. 

1. I am laid up in bed "resting"

This means no running, no gym, and no calorie burn.  

2. Sick = comfort food

I want Chinese food, pizza, soup, and some grilled cheese. 

In no particular order

3. I can't taste anything

This infuriates me. I love food, I live for food, and I want to taste my GD food. 

4. Unlike most people  being sick does not kill my appetite

In fact it stokes the angry hunger fire into a raging inferno 

5. I am bored out of my mind. 

I can only ready so many Nora Roberts books and watch so many musicals before my husband starts slamming his head against inanimate objects. 

So I am blogging because if I am blogging I am not ordering food for delivery or making grilled cheese or singing Let it Go again. 

Ok, that's a lie, I am going to sing Let it Go no matter what... 

alright, back to my fort of blankets. 

Riding off into the kale sunset

This week was my 3 year wedding anniversary and when I started this whole30 journey I promised myself that I would give myself a break to celebrate our anniversary. So all week I focused on just getting to our staycation that we had planned. I ordered salad when we went out, I brought only homemade food to work for lunch, and I avoided the dairy aisle like the plague. 

When we arrived at the resort Friday night I was STARVING, I had looked forward to dinner all night long and I had barely eaten throughout the day. Also as luck would have it, my allergies decided that Friday would be the perfect day for a full on assault of my senses. So I loaded myself up with allergy meds, dayquil, nyquil, and the resolution that I would not in fact get sick (didn't work). The hotel sent up Champagne and chocolate covered strawberries (this is not going to get gross, I promise you can keep reading). Now I have not had any dairy, processed  junk, or grains in 3 weeks... this might not have been the best way to reintroduce the fun stuff back in. We split the bottle of champagne, I killed the strawberries and then I continued to burp and gurgle. Luckily my husband thought it was hilarious so he loaded a slightly tipsy and definitely gassy Lauren into the truck to go to dinner. He couldn't have picked a better place for dinner... we went to the restaurant where my brother works, Lons at the Hermosa. If you are looking for a verrrry nice ($$$$) place to eat with great atmosphere I highly recommend it. It is worth the money! My brother sent us a bottle of wine and some appetizers which again were amazing. My stomach did not know what to do with itself, and I have to say I was a little worried that it might revolt and ruin the night. I had a stern talking to it before we left. It went a little something like this... 

We started with a bread basket, followed by pork belly in a steamed bun, then chicken tortilla soup, tomato soup with pork belly grilled cheese, pork spare rib, a ribeye, lots of wine, and topped off with a cowboy candy bar. Lots and lots of good food, by the end of dinner I couldn't take another bite without risking vomit. 

I didn't vomit and I found a way to somehow be ready to eat breakfast by 6am... Like waiting outside the restaurant not so patiently at 6am hungry. We managed to wait until 7 when they opened and then I did bad things to the breakfast buffet. 

Can we just take a moment to thank whatever culinary genius came up with the breakfast buffet? 

Croissant? Got it. Cheese blintzes? I'll take 2. Salami and cheese plate? I'm not sure why this is out here but its going on my plate. Pork? done. More pork? yes please. Chicken sausage? Absolutely not. Donuts? 2 please while  I wait for the egg guy to finish up  my ham, cheese, tomato, and egg white omelet(for my health). 

We wrecked the buffet. 

I am not even ashamed, I would have eaten more cheese if I could. 

But this also tells me how big of a hold bad food has on me. 

It was also harder than I thought to get back on the wagon. I didn't really climb on as much as I ran along side it, jumped and missed a few times, ran face first and bounced off it a few times, and then somehow fell on the wagon. 

I was so tempted to cheat I made myself get up and make a full on Whole30 meal for lunch. No salad and grilled chicken today. I followed that up with a trip to sprouts for my weekly list of hippie shit and another Whole30 meal for dinner. I kind of feel like I am back on the wagon, I am still looking back over my shoulder as we ride off into the kale sunset but I have firmly planted my ass on the wagon. 

Also I want Pizza. 

Paleo day 6

I am worn the f out. Avoiding no no foods has worn my resolve to a nub. Today was a gauntlet of my own doing, I went and got my husband donuts at 5:30 am, went out to brunch and avoided mimosas and breakfast beers, followed by grimaldis and more beers, then I made green chili enchiladas for dinner. I did have a small taste of the sauce to make sure it tasted right but that has been my only "cheat"
I am over the excitement of doing something new phase and I have transitioned into the "can I just nap away the days until this over?" phase. I am hoping to find the phase where eating like this becomes a habit.
So good night world, goodnight cheese, goodnight pizza, good night cold beer...I'm off to dream of kale and skinny jeans.

Breakfast: black coffee, omelet with turkey sausage, onions, spinach and a side of sausage.
Lunch:  side salad, green tea
Dinner: roasted bell peppers and zucchini with roasted turkey breast.
No snacks, no donuts, no creamer, no cheese, and no pizza.

Just water, thanks!

Today was the first really hard day for the fat kid, I have had days where I wanted to cheat but didn't. I have had days where I was cranky but survived, but today was my first day outside my bubble of homemade foods and my strictly regimented meals. It was my first weekend, my cousin is in town and my usual form of family bonding includes alcohol...copious amounts of alcohol and food. I am half Mexican so it's in my DNA...family = food and alcohol. It was also my dad's birthday and we needed to celebrate. This all added up to a fat kid gauntlet full of cheese, beer, more cheese, beer, cheese again, and a beer nightcap.
I started morning with 7 mile run at 4:30 am, eggs, bacon, coffee, and a smoothie ( and that was just my breakfast). After a few near misses with popcorn and protein bars and a pep talk with the fat kid we headed downtown to meet my folks and show my cousin part of downtown phoenix. Which of course included killing time at a local bar with a killer beer selection and even better menu. By this time my quads were screaming for any tiny morsel of food, my brain was screaming for beer, my stomach was screaming for pizza and I was trying to reign it all in as the fat kid skipped merrily along. When the waiter came around I uttered the forbidden phrase at any great beer joint  "just a water, thanks!"
I really was starving and I felt a cheat coming on so I scoured menu for anything that might fit my parameters. I settled for brisket tacos... hold the cheese, the tortillas, and the beans. I just ate the brisket and red cabbage slaw which was actually delicious and it kept the hunger demons at bay. After we finished up there we met my parents at the arrogant butcher for an early dinner. I know you are thinking "Jesus Christ woman, you just ate the douchiest version of a taco ever. How are you still hungry! ?"
And my answer to that is... Hi. My names Lauren, welcome to my blog. Also... 7 miles,  you judgemental a hole.
It was also a few hours before I ate again, everyone ordered beers and appetizers while I stared at the ceiling and memorized my fingerprint pattern. Everything seemed to be covered in cheese, dipped in cheese, or just a plate of cheese.  My favorite phrase was uttered over and over again... just water, thanks!
But I survived and I enjoyed myself without binging and that says a lot right there. I don't need food to enjoy a night out, I can enjoy the company and conversation instead.  I ended up ordering a burger and side salad (no cheese, no bun). No beer, no cheese, no grains, no cheating.
All this being good has worn me out, time for bed at the party animal hour of 8:30.

Paleo Day 3

I am three days in and the cheese/sugar/grain free world has not come crashing down around me. I feel good, hungry... but good. I am not starving in a way that is unhealthy but it is taking my body to get back on the right track. It doesn't help that Triathlon/Race training amped up this week so I am burning excess calories on top of detoxing and cutting the crap from my diet. I haven't jumped on the scale yet and I am trying to hold out until Monday morning but we will see if that happens. I have a lot of energy and I have not had the headaches that usually accompany a good detox. I am also trying to not focus on counting every calorie that goes into my body. Everything I am eating is fresh and unprocessed so the calories that I am taking in are good calories. My theory has always been to eat as much as I want of the good stuff (carrots, avocados, apples. etc) and try to keep my portions in check for the not so healthy stuff.  Tomorrow is catered lunch day at work and of course they decided to go with Portillos. I scoured the menu and the only thing I could see that fit in my parameters was a burger, no bun, no cheese, no mayo. Just meat. I will bring my own salad and try not to pout.

Breakfast: Smoothie-kale, banana, pinapple, coconut water, and 1/2 scoop of egg white protein powder
Lunch: Leftover beef curry and 2 cups of spring mix
snacks: 2 apples, 1/2 avocado and small portion of roasted turkey
dinner: Mexican Chicken with green chili and lime, pan roasted zucchini and 1/2 avocado

workouts: 1:10 min bike ride  

Paleo day 2

A little more hungry, a little more cranky, and very sore from riding/running/swimming/biking. I haven't strayed from the plan but I had a couple moments where I came close. We normally never have any sweets in the house but with Easter, chocolate seems to be everywhere. I made it through the day and I really tired. I don't know if it's from getting back into race training or getting used to eating right again. Tonight we made a curry recipe out of the whole 30 book and it came out pretty well. It was ground beef with carrots and cauliflower, seasoned with salt, pepper, curry, and garlic salt.

Breakfast: smoothie with kale, strawberries, and vanilla egg white protein
Lunch: leftover peppers and sausage with two cups of spring mix

Dinner: ground beef curry with carrots and cauliflower

Snacks:  bell peppers, apple, grilled chicken and avocado

Paleo day uno

I have survived day one. I can't say that I skipped along like a bunny on crack all day but I didn't feel like I was being dragged behind a pizza delivery guy either. I tried to focus on not grazing all day and making more out of my meals. I ate slower and took the time to plate my foods. Normally I race through my meals and then spend the next 20 minutes scavenging for more food.  I will try to blog a couple times a week and keep everyone updated

Food day 1
Smoothie: kale, strawberries, bananas, coconut water
Carrots
Chicken, avocado, and salad
Chicken, avocado with lemon pepper
Grilled zucchini, bell peppers, sausage
And enough water to sink a boat

More information than you actually needed about my stomach

I have been toying with the idea of paleo again lately. I couldn't stick with it last time and I had a very hard time cutting out the dairy and sugars. Which exactly why I should probably try it again. I have worked on cutting down my cheese and sugar intake because I really do feel better when I limit them, but to cut them out completely? That has always been a commitment I was not ready or willing to make. 

When the topic comes up, people tend to ask one question.

Why?

 Well. Shit. Um. 

because. 

How do you politely explain to someone that every time you drink milk or heaven forbid you look at a carton of ice cream your gut immediately throws a hissy fit that even the best parent would walk away from?

Or that after cutting the majority of sugar from your diet, one kit kat can leave you feeling like the Hindenburg blimp ( Full of hot gas and crashing quickly)... too soon?

How about trying to knock out 10+ miles on a stomach that is requesting that you waddle ( in the most embarrassing way ) into every gas station, Starbucks, or grocery store you can find. Not to mention the judgy looks you get from the starbucks employees when you walk back out again and don't buy a coffee but rather skip out with a smile that only runners understand. 

I am sure this is way more information than you bargained for 

Anyways. Paleo... 

(ugh, right?)

No cheese. No dairy. No sugar. No grains. No legumes 

that is a lot of no's. 

Yes vegetables. Yes Meat. Yes Eggs. Yes fruit. 

Yes, healthy, whole, clean eating food. 

I know this will help me feel better and be the best athlete I can be. 

I have 2 tri's, a 6 hour race, and at least 1 full on pizza binge in my future that I need to be ready for. 

I can't perform at my best if I don't feel my best, right? 

I want to be the best me that I can be.

 I don't care if I never run a 6 minute mile, I don't care if I never qualify for Kona, I don't have any interest in placing in my age group either. 

But I do care about finishing, I do care that I never DNF, I care that I give my best effort possible. 

So I will go full on paleo/ whole30 crazy and see what happens. 

The sky may open to rainbows and unicorns 

Or I may go crazy and be cranky for 30 days (Lucky Scott!)

This craziness starts on Monday 4/21 (after an Easter binge)

I will try to update how I am doing as often as possible. But it may just be a grunt. If it is just a grunt, you can loosely translate that to

 "Screw off and give me a kit kat"

Either way. Lets do this!

Chicago

Chicago

Land of deep dish pizza

The mecca of hot dogs

A drinking town with a sports problem 

Beer, Baseball, Da Bears

and my home for 3 of the next 5 days

Fun Fact about Chicago... Its also the location of United Airlines headquarters. 

I will be going for work and I am uber excited, I have never been before and I can hardly stand it. 

I will be going for a menu presentation, this is my first one and I am not sure what to expect but it sounds dangerous. My boss has assured me that we won't be doing a tasting but I am still a little wary. It's not like being paid to eat food made by great chefs would be the worst thing in the world but its a little hard to tell an executive chef that you are trying to stay away from cheese or that you don't like seafood. In my experience they take this as a challenge... "well that's because you haven't had my orange roughy in a tangy mango and passion fruit glaze with a side of  blah blah blah" and they are usually right but it makes an awkward situation when they aren't and you are looking for a potted plant to spit out the monstrosity that is assaulting your tongue... Not that I have ever tried to spit my food in a potted plant, I wrap it in my napkin (like a lady). 

This also means I will be away from the gym, there should be one there but I tend to push working out to the back burner when I am out of town. I could also run outside but I tend to turn into a scared white girl from Mesa when I run by myself in an unfamiliar place. I once convinced myself that Heather had been beaten, killed, and probably thrown in a bush when  I lost her on a run, turns out she got lost in a neighborhood. There was also a javelina that I thought was a dog. Don't pet javelinas... but that's a story for another day.  

Where was I?

Oh right, making myself workout is not always easy. It's even harder when I am out of town. 

I have an itinerary but I am not sure yet when I will be able to work out. We will be going out to dinner both nights we are there and leaving the hotel early to get to the office. 

There is always the option of squats, burpees, and pushups in my room though, right? 

Yep. Lets go with that. 

My plan is to eat as clean as possible when it does not mean eating to earn a paycheck. 

This kind of seems like an insult to one of the top culinary citites but it seems like kind of an insult to my goals as well. 

This won't be easy but it's not really hard either. Just deciding what I want more. 

I want authentic deep dish pizza that gives me heartburn for days. 

dammit. 

What I meant to say was... I want to be fit and healthy. I don't want to be upset by my pant size when I go shopping. I want to run for fun. I want to be ridiculously confident naked (sorry, TMI). I want to be proud of a rockin body that I know I have put my best into. 

I guess that means I better go eat some kale while doing squats and holding our fridge or 

something... 

also...

Go Bears! 

Confessions of an emotional eater

Lies I tell myself: 

I'm going to turn Frozen off after Let it Go so I can get stuff done. 

I'm not hungry, this salad is very filling and I hardly miss the cheese. 

I am going to wake up at 3:45 and go to the gym before work. 

Nobody needs tacos. 

Squats are fun! They are like the Disneyland of the gym.

You know what this smoothie needs? More kale. Definitely not more kit kats and ice cream. 

Cheese is overrated. 

Coffee tastes good black

Seriously, I am going to turn Frozen off. 

Confessions:

I feel like a huuuge douche when I talk about things like eating Paleo, kale, almond milk and protein powder. 

Sometimes I put my headphones in at the gym without any music playing so I don't have to listen to the meat heads talk about all the things I just referenced in my previous sentence. 

Some days I loathe running with a hatred that is unmatched, other days I can't live without it. 

I eat the worst when I am alone. 

I am an emotional and closet eater. 

I can eat more than your average linebacker. 

I have watched frozen 3 days in a row. 

Sometimes I eat so fast I wonder how I don't end up throwing up in the grass like the dogs after they drink too much water. 

I spend a lot of time thinking about pork 

I plan my next meal as I am eating my current meal 

(and not in a grown up who plans her meals and grocery shops according to those plans kind of way)

Also, I rarely blog when I am in a deep abyss of pizza and beer. That's a good sign that I am being dragged and run over by the proverbial wagon. 

sigh. 

That last confession stung a little. 

I will not eat my feelings, I will not eat my feelings. 

Donuts bad, kale good (and kinda douchey)

Baked Goods.

So I started a new job last week, I was offered a great opportunity and I jumped at it. I still miss my coworkers but I know that I have made the right decision for my family and I. Starting a new job can be a little stressful. Well actually it can be a lot stressful. Stress shot through the roof about a month ago as I A: waited not so patiently to hear back from company B. 

B: put in my two weeks at company A.

C: started to learn a new and terrifyingly awesome new job. 

I have been at company B for just over a week now and when I left company A I really thought 

"wow, this should help me lose a few extra lbs, no more pot lucks or daily catered lunches!" 

well, there haven't been any poftlucks, or daily catered lunches. 

here is the run down of positives and negatives as they relate to the fat kid. 

(because, lets be honest. He is the one running this joint)

Positives:

Stairs. 

Yep, lots of stairs. The office that I share with my coworkers is up a flight of stairs. So any time I have to go pee (which is a lot), I go down and back up the stairs. If I want to grab something to eat or drink, I have go down and back up the stairs. If I want some fresh air, I have to go down and back up the GD stairs. 

The upside to this is I am far away from the kitchen. Bad part is I drink A LOT of water and the pee pee dance is really awkward to do while running down a steep flight of stairs. 

I also think of this image every time I get to the bottom of those bastards, look up and think

 "I should run this"

I am really busy. 

Not that I wasn't busy at my old job but jesus, there is a lot of food that goes on planes! 

I am also starting at step 1 so in the time it would take me to run down stairs, steal a donut and get back I would have missed 87 new things that I need to know. 

Theresa.

My boss is pretty cool (and I am not just saying that because she reads this), I have known her since I was born and she knows the complexities of the fat kid. She reigns me in and tell me no and smacks me on the nose with a newspaper when I get that gleam in my eye that says DONUT! 

(she doesn't really hit me, calm down!)

Proximity to Fast Food. 

There is nothing around. Nothing, Nada. I have to make my lunch and snacks every day or I don't eat

Also nothing is open on my way into work (5am) so I have to make my breakfast before I leave. 

Negatives:

Baked Goods

Every Friday the magic baked good fairy drops off a bucket load of every breakfast baked good you can imagine. Last week alone we had fresh chompies bagels, donuts, blueberry scones, orange cranberry scones, chocolate croissants,  fresh baked bread, and english muffins. 

I am not that strong. 

Catered Lunches. 

Our weekly meeting is catered. Last week was Oreganos, this week is BBQ Company.

Need I say more?

Menus. 

Most of my day is spent looking at menus. All sorts of food and snacks... I stared at the word risotto so much last week that I started to have a Pavlovian response to the word. 

This weeks craving is Shrimp. 

Did I mention the baked goods?

So the fat kid is faced with a new struggle but this keeps it new and interesting as I face off with him over cream cheese.  Lots of carrots, lots of chicken, lots of veggies, lots of water, lots of kale, lots of trips to the bathroom (because of the water, not the kale. Gross.)

tacos.

Sometimes your most difficult run can be your best run. Not in a "I just crushed that and PR'd" kind of way but in a "thank god I didn't die and that shit is over" kind of way. When you have a shitty run it feels that much better when you get home and it adds a little bit of pride to your day to know that no matter the level of suckiness, you finished that bastard and made it home alive. Yes, I know that seems a little dramatic but I still have the black lung cough and I am slightly nauseous so I am feeling a little dramatic.  

I knew it around .75 miles that this was not going to be my best run, mostly because I was already walking...and thinking about tacos. 

actually I am still thinking about tacos. 

But I finished the run and today that is the victory, not my time, not my effort level. Just finishing. 

It's ok to have those days, sometimes you need to have those to remind yourself that you can do it. To remind yourself that no matter how bad it sucked, you finished. If you can finish a shitty run then you can get through a bad day and still get to the gym. If you can finish a shitty run then you can eat a taco. If you can finish a shitty run then you can rule the freakin world. 

Actually that last statement probably isn't true, I think I am more dehydrated than I originally thought. 

here is a taco gif