Peak Week

Peak Week is here

I am officially done with my two longest runs and rides

60 mile bike ride x2

10 mile run x2

Nap x2hrs

Food?

Well. 

It wasn't pretty and it involved a foot long from Subway

I have really tried to listen to my body these last few months

I eat when I am hungry

stop when I am full 

last night?

not hungry 

this morning? 

Still not hungry

I had to eat anways because I was about to run 10 miles 

I also ate out on my run 

even though the last thing I wanted was another goo

 then I swam 30 min in a very cold lake

another hour goes by 

and then 

BOOM

starvation

I could eat my arm

get me food now before I pillage the villagers

hurry save the children

pure starvation

I asked Scott as politely and nonchalantly as I could if he was also hungry

(inside my body was screaming that if we didn't get off this freeway now and I mean right now, get me to a drive thru and place a taco in my hand in the next 2 min I was going to come through the car window at somebody)

He responded with yeah, he could eat. 

(inside I am rejoicing)

Me: Ok thanks, can we get subway?

Scott: Sure

*senses hangry approaching and swerves to get off the freeway*

Me: This. This. is why I love you. 

(One of many reasons)

Its been a few months since I last finished a foot long sandwich

I have found that when I actually take my time to eat and I am mindful of hunger/satiety cues that I eat a lot less

today was not the case

Today I listened

I slowed down

I recognized when I was getting full and decided to stop eating, drink some water and reassess in a hour. 

well I killed a foot long sub

and I waited 2 hours instead of 1

why?

Nap time. 

Swim Bike Run Eat Sleep and REPEAT! 

Like I said... Peak week is here 

I am probably the only person that thinks this is funny

But I think its REALLY funny so that counts. 

(Taper is what comes after peak week)

(That animal is called a tapir)

(I've been told that jokes you have to explain probably aren't funny)

(Don't care)

Just a real quick panic attack.

How in the hell did peak week(s) get here?

If I had a panic button now would be the time to hit it

And scream

And let a minion run around yelling BeeeDoooBeeeDooo

All systems on deck

It’s almost go time

I have 2 more major weeks of training and then

Boom.

It’s here

Ironman Oceanside 70.3

I am a little* panicky

(*Extremely)

This is going to be a harder course

I had to re-learn how to swim

I cried last weekend on a scary downhill curve

I blew a tire

I have yet to hit 50 miles on my bike

*&!$@$!^@#*$^%#%@!!!!!

Be cool Lauren.

Be. Cool.

You got this.

If nothing else you get to be by the beach with your family and friends for your Birthday

Well, they get to sit by the beach for your birthday

You get to lube yourself up, slide into spandex and test the limits of the human to bike seat relationship

It’s Fine

It’s fine.

Seriously.

It’s fine.

&@@#@##($@$*&^%$#@!!!!

Be. Cool.

You got this.

You totally have this.

So what if you have been focusing the last 5 months on battling an eating disorder, completely changing your eating habits, going through treatment, seeing two therapists an RD, and waiting on a prescription for Xanax.

You have also been running faster

Swimming more efficiently

Using a coach

You can be an Ironman

This is a stepping stone to IMAZ

You can be a shaky, sweaty, eating disordered, anxiety ridden, proud, badass Ironman

Or half Ironman

Think of it as 8 hours to spend perfecting your use of the word &*%@

Rambling

I have an eating disorder

I know you are probably thinking I look more like an eating disorder survivor

I am not anorexic

I am not bulimic

I am Eating Disorder Non-Specified

Did you know that was a thing?

I didn’t

 I thought you were either too skinny to be healthy

Or too heavy to be healthy

Or a crossfitter

No in between

I figured I would slide nicely into a binge eating/food aggression category

Do you eat full pizzas by yourself?

Yes.

Have you ever sacrificed a taco bell menu to the gods of all things Hangry?

Hell yes.

Are you willing to share your food?

Nope.

 Turns out all these feelings I had about food put me in a separate category

I eat, but every meal

(unless it was Kale and Chicken)

Results in shame, guilt, fear of gaining weight, fear of going the other direction and not eating

As well all know this came to a head a few months ago

I have this amazing team of people now who’s only goal is for me to lead a joyous life free from the constraints of anxiety, body image issues, and food based shame.

Cool, right?

I know that my family, my friends, my circle of people have wanted that for me for years

I have wanted it for years

And now I have this team of people to help make that happen

A therapist (2 actually), a registered dietitian, my PCP, and soon an psychiatrist to help with the anxiety

Writing it out makes it seem like a lot…

But I want this shit to be over and done with.

And I have all these amazing people behind me supporting me like my husband, my parents, my family, my friends, the dogs (they are not sure what to do but wagging their tails seems to help)

One thing that my husband has told me that really sticks out is that shame thrives on darkness, it can’t survive in the light.

So screw shame.

I am done feeling guilty about what I eat or how much I eat.

I am done wondering if everyone at the table is thinking about what a poor food decision I just made

“Geez, she going to have another breadstick? I thought she was a triathlete or something”

(not that anybody has ever said that but my brain thinks they are)

You want to know the best part of this?

No more fucking dieting.

If the problem is dieting it can’t also be the answer

I get to eat what I want

When I want

I don’t have to run 20 miles to eat a slice of pizza

I can have pizza any damn time I feel like it

Or egg burritos

Or god forbid sour cream on my chipotle bowl

Or  *gasp* a chipotle burrito

Yep.

Pizza loses its power when it’s not some forbidden item that you can never eat

If you know you can have it all the time then you stop acting like it’s the last supper every time you get near one.

I would eat a whole pizza no problem and I would rationalize it as either

1. its ok because I ran/biked/swim a crazy amount today

Or

2. this is the last pizza I will ever eat because starting tomorrow I am really going to stick to *insert fad diet name* and this could be my last pizza

So guess what? I am eating pizza

I have had more pizza in the last 3 months that I did in the last year

But! I stop when I am full, I slow down and work on recognizing my hunger/satiety cues and I don’t go overboard

That is the “normal” way to eat

Which most people are thinking, duh.

But I have never been normal

At some point in time something made me believe that the way I ate was shameful

So I started to hide my eating habits

(my parents used find me in the pantry at night)

what a weirdo.

I ate taco bell in parking lots and threw away the evidence before I got home

Just because I didn’t want to disappoint people

(What?! saying that outloud sounds capital K Ka-razy)

I was worried, so worried that that people would judge what I was eating or they would be disappointed in my food choices that my anxiety manifested itself into physical symptoms. 

Physical symptoms! 

Seriously Lauren?

Yep. 

Anxiety that could choke a Donkey.

I don't even know what that means but it suuuuuucks. 

 So now I am working on eating mindfully

I eat when I am hungry 

(not just because the food is there)

 stop when I am full

(not when I hate myself)

There are no good foods or bad foods

No “clean” eating

If you make such a big deal to eat “clean” food then you are telling yourself that the other food is dirty

Hmm. No thanks

More guilt? More Anxiety?

I’m gonna pass

I don't want you to think its easy and that I have had some giant revelation. 

every meal is a fight still but I am creating new habits and that takes time. 

So where does this rambling end?

No clue

The fat kid is out and wandering around in a daze

(He is very confused by the abundance of pizza and pancakes)

Sometimes he still wants to shove donuts in my face as fast as he can

But now we both step back, take a deep breath, eat the donut and move on with our day

Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we surface 10 minutes later with powdered sugar on our face. 

balance.

He’s happy, I am working my way towards happy, and every day we keep working

We don’t succeed every day but we keep at it. 

sorry bout that. 

The 365 Day Do Over

Its New Years Eve 

Time to set new goal

Make plans

and think about what we all hope to accomplish in the coming year

Its the annual 365 do over.  

For the last few years my goal has always been to lose weight and get healthy

weight loss is the unattainable goal that always seems just out of reach for me

My weight and height firmly place me in the obese category

bordering on morbidly obese

now, this little bastard chart doesn't take into account that I can swim bike and run 70.3 miles

It doesn't know that I workout 6 days a week

or that my quads are not quads at all but more like quadzillas 

logic says that a number on a scale doesn't mean shit. 

It doesn't tell you that I am wife, a daughter, a sister, dog mom, foster dog mom, horse lover, or an Ironman (half). 

but for years that number has beaten the crap out of me

its too high

(sorry, I had to)

that ever changing number and the little bastard inner fat kid have led me around 

eat this, don't eat that,this will make you gain weight, here is some lettuce, just kidding lets have cake. 

My goals for 2016 are not to lose weight

my goal is to break those ties

the fat kid has been given his eviction notice 

now its time to remove the scale

I am not a number

I am not a size

My name is Lauren

I am who I say I am 

not what a chart says I am. 

So bring it 2016, I am going to crush you. 

Ironman Oceanside 70.3

Ironman Arizona 70.3

Ironman Arizona 140.6

I will be an Ironman

I will be happy

I will be balanced

I will treat people with respect and love

I will work on being as nice to strange humans as I am to strange animals

I will be more outgoing

I will not hide in my house because I don't like how my clothes fit

I will be me

I will be strong

I will be a badass

and I will work hard. 

see ya 2015, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. 

Eviction Notice

I have  started working on fixing my issues with food from the inside out 

I want to have a healthy relationship with food

I want to enjoy it with out stress or guilt

I want to be healthy

I want to be happy

and I don't want that happiness tied to what I did or didn't eat this week 

So I am getting help

I have tried everything I know

 I have read all the books

 Studied the theories

I have tried this diet

and that diet

and that one too

I have worked my body to exhaustion and pushed it beyond limits

but I am still overweight and I am tired

tired of trying everything

tired of stressing out 

tired of food anxiety

tired of anxiety in general 

Part of my wishes I could just say fuck it. 

this is me

I am overweight, I am squishy. 

I can also run a shit ton of miles, out swim most people, and I am going to be an Ironman

but that little voice, that asshole fat kid whispers that its not enough

I am not enough unless I can be an Ironman who only eat kale and chicken

I see the ridiculousness in that statement

but when I am not strong enough

when I am tired

when I am sad

the fat kid goes from a whisper to a scream

the fat kid has had a long enough reign

its time to shut him up for good

and its not about losing weight

if this is me and I can say that I am eating right 80% of the time

that I am doing everything in my power to train for my races

then I need to learn to accept that

I need to learn to accept me

fuck the fat kid. 

be healthy

be me

So its time to bring in the big guns to give the fat kid his eviction notice

Nutritionist

&

Therapist

(specializes in disordered eating)

(Please.Please.Please do not worry about me. I am happy with this decision and I am sticking with it. No I am not ready to talk about it, no this is not anybody fault, nobody gets to place any blame or feel pity. This is not oh poor Lauren. This is positive.)

I have been struggling with sharing this information the last couple weeks. 

Not because I am ashamed, scared, or worried what people will think. 

I have worried about that crap for long enough.

I just prefer my privacy

But.

BUT... if one person out there is unhappy, sad, and struggling. 

I hope you are able to find someone to talk to. 

If one person finds comfort in knowing that they are not alone

they are not the only one struggling

they are not the only one who feels like they can't do it alone anymore

then putting myself out there is worth it. 

Celebrating

Sometimes I get wrapped up in small details

I can't see the forest for all the trees

I complain

I bitch

I moan

I whine

ok.. I whine a lot

There is a bike seat up my ass

Its cold

I am sore

I am tired

I.WANT.PIZZA.

The problem is that when I focus on these small insignificant details I miss the big picture

I am able to ride 35+ miles on a bike

I can run

I can swim

I can afford groceries and pizza

So as I was berating myself for not recognizing all of this as I whined about the cold 

(Internal mental ass kicking is something I excel at)

I thought about how lucky I am 

Am I perfect?

No..no...NO. Far from it

Am I a pro athlete?

HA. no... but that doesn't mean I need to beat myself up for not keeping a 25mph pace

But I do have the ability to do things that not everyone can

I am able to do these things at distances most won't even attempt

So today I celebrate the ability. 

Yes that is a very general and broad statement 

This is me looking at the forest 

The 12 days of Christmas

I love the holidays

for me its 98% about the time with family

the other half is about the food

oh, sweet baby jesus. 

The food. 

so without further ado, I bring you Laurens 12 days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas
The Fat Kid sent to me:

A Half Ironman entry fee

On the second day of Christmas

The Fat Kid sent to me:

2 Pairs Of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the third day of Christmas

The Fat Kid sent to me:

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the fourth day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the fifth day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the sixth day of Christmas

The Fat Kid sent to me:

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the seventh day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the eighth day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the ninth day of Christmas

The Fat Kid sent to me:

9 empty Gu's

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the tenth day of Christmas

The Fat kid sent to me:

10 tacos a eating 

9 empty Gu's

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the eleventh day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

11 Cow bells ringing

10 tacos a eating 

9 empty Gu's

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the first day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

12 Miles a running

11 Cow bells ringing

10 tacos a eating 

9 empty Gu's

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

Wrangling the Fat Kid back into the Closet

Hey everybody. 

Sorry about last week's guest blogger

The fat kid has no filter

The good news is that after a week out I was able to lead him back into the the closet like a tired toddler to bed. 

He tried to put up a fight but half way through our bed time story of pizza without calories he went right down.

So what happens when the fat kid is out? 

Well. 

Pizza 

Beer

 Wine

 Champagne

Cookies 

Fudge 

Wings

Potato skins

Artichoke dip 

More pizza

3 rolls of rolaids 

More beer

Bacon

Tums

More pizza

Pasta

Fast food x4

And finally more tums. 

Good lord I think I burned my esophagus with marinara and grease. 

I try to not let the fat kid out too often because, well....

he turns this...

into this....

You get the idea. 

Actually Heather was able to get a rare picture of the fat kid in his natural habitat. I don't think this has ever been done before. You have to very carefully lure him out with pizza and cheap beer. You have to be careful because he us camera shy and will hide under empty food wrappers if disturbed. 

Yep. 

No other words.

I did run 13.1 miles though
Through some of the most beautiful scenery I have ever seen.
Northern Michigan is gorgeous

seriously...

So now the fat kid is tuckered out and sleeping. I have prepped my food, gone to the gym,  and caught up on the voice. 

 I have 5 months until Oceanside and I don't have to jump right back into training so I decided to work on strength training. It's been so long since I just lifted that I didn't know what to do. I just wandered around the gym picking up weights here and there, I'm sure looking like a complete imbecile but hey every gym has to have one.