Food is a struggle for me
I still enjoy it but not like I used to, it also comes with a sense of anxiety and a room full of questions.
This for me is one of things I struggle with the most as an overweight person.
Every meal whether it is good, bad, healthy, recovery, nutrient dense, or a plate of ice cream comes with a 20 minute (or longer) battle with myself and the fat kid.
Is this good for me?
Did I work for this food?
Will this help my body?
Does this really need cheese? Of course it needs cheese. But do I really need cheese? Shit. Where did I put the cheese?... Scott, did you have a quesadilla???
How will this affect my weight tomorrow morning?
Well. I had 8 slices of pizza and each slice is about 200-300 calories so, I have to run like 20 miles tomorrow.
Am I making the right choice?
Did I serve myself enough? 2 plates of salad and 4 chicken breasts doesn’t seem like it will fill me up.
Am I happy with this choice? Can I defend this choice?
Are people looking at what I am eating and judging me? Maybe I should go up to that complete stranger and explain that I got up at 4am this morning and ran to explain why I am eating so much food…
Do I have to be full at every meal? Maybe I could be one of those people who only eats half of a portion.
Seriously, I just bought a bag of cheese yesterday. Where the hell did it go??
What if I just chew 4 cups of ice before I eat? That will trick my stomach right?
Carrots. Carrots are the answer… I will just eat bags of carrots in between meals
Maybe I should just drink protein shakes for every meal
And on, and on , and on it goes
Bad meals lead to guilt
Good meals lead to a false sense of security
Small meals lead to binges
Big meals lead to more guilt
A cycle of food and emotion that I have created.
And I know people are reading this and thinking… “ you have to break free from the chains that you and food have placed on yourself”
I wish it was that easy.
This is a battle I have been fighting for a long time. It’s not that easy. I know that sounds defensive and a little cranky.
Part of me even hears what I say and thinks… just shut up. Stop. If you want to change something then make that f’ing change. How hard can it be? Put the breadstick down and walk away. Learn to say no every once in a while.
And so ensues another battle with the fat kid. The little bastard is winning right now.
