Weight loss is a fickle beast, one day is in your corner cheering you on telling you that you can do it and the pounds are falling off, then the next week one grape causes you to gain 10 pounds, your mood shoots into a downward spiral, and you get emotional over a TV commercial. Now to be fair that may be related more to my hormones than my weight loss but it didn't help. Recently I have had more than one person ask me if I'm doing okay, if I'm happy because I don't seem like my normal self. I don't feel unhappy but my lack of weight loss, my lack of control when it comes to my eating decisions, and my lack of workouts has combined to make me feel not as happy as I should be. It's a combination of being upset with myself and stress over wanting to make sure I get things right. In general I am a high anxiety person and I can stress out over the little things, its been both a benefit and a negative aspect of my personality. It's always forced me to work harder in school, and athletics, and in the work setting but it also causes me to beat myself up more than I probably should over the small things. I really want to be a healthy person I don't want to worry about my weight, I don't want to worry about diabetes, I don't want to worry about heart disease, & I certainly do not want to die young. I also struggle with wanting to be a "normal" person but who knows what normal is anymore. I want to be able to go out with my friends and have a beer or two or 12, I also want to go out and have a burger or salad or whatever I feel like at that time but I can't. I have to be so stringent with my meals because it's very easy for me to gain weight. Today I looked up over eating disorders and I met every single one of the criteria, I had a feeling that I would but it's still sucked to see every one of my mannerisms on this list. At the end of the article it said if you meet three or more of these criteria you should consider talking to your doctor. I don't think that's a step I'm ready to take but I know I need to, I need to get healthy. Running sporadically, eating right sporadically, and the want are no longer enough. I also want to be happier, I want to have a good body image and I want to be comfortable with who I am. Now please don't read this and think oh poor Lauren or start worrying about me. I am ok and I'm going to make sure that I continue to be ok, I really debated over writing this tonight. I've actually been debating about writing anymore at all recently but I thought that if maybe there was just one person who felt the same as I do then maybe they can make that next step to getting happier as well. As with all addiction it is a step by step, day by day process and although I feel silly comparing my issues with food to somebody who is struggling with a more dangerous addiction it's really the best way to describe my relationship with food. It is an addiction and it's something I can't stop, unfortunately it's also something I need to live. I can't quit food cold turkey it doesn't work like that. So I'm going to take it day by day and I'm going to start over again. I have to do something to change this cycle and get out of this never ending loop. Today steps where to go to the gym, go on a hike and prep my food for the week. Not huge steps but it's done and I can move on to tomorrow. Here's to a new day, new me, and getting happier.
