The 365 Day Do Over

Its New Years Eve 

Time to set new goal

Make plans

and think about what we all hope to accomplish in the coming year

Its the annual 365 do over.  

For the last few years my goal has always been to lose weight and get healthy

weight loss is the unattainable goal that always seems just out of reach for me

My weight and height firmly place me in the obese category

bordering on morbidly obese

now, this little bastard chart doesn't take into account that I can swim bike and run 70.3 miles

It doesn't know that I workout 6 days a week

or that my quads are not quads at all but more like quadzillas 

logic says that a number on a scale doesn't mean shit. 

It doesn't tell you that I am wife, a daughter, a sister, dog mom, foster dog mom, horse lover, or an Ironman (half). 

but for years that number has beaten the crap out of me

its too high

(sorry, I had to)

that ever changing number and the little bastard inner fat kid have led me around 

eat this, don't eat that,this will make you gain weight, here is some lettuce, just kidding lets have cake. 

My goals for 2016 are not to lose weight

my goal is to break those ties

the fat kid has been given his eviction notice 

now its time to remove the scale

I am not a number

I am not a size

My name is Lauren

I am who I say I am 

not what a chart says I am. 

So bring it 2016, I am going to crush you. 

Ironman Oceanside 70.3

Ironman Arizona 70.3

Ironman Arizona 140.6

I will be an Ironman

I will be happy

I will be balanced

I will treat people with respect and love

I will work on being as nice to strange humans as I am to strange animals

I will be more outgoing

I will not hide in my house because I don't like how my clothes fit

I will be me

I will be strong

I will be a badass

and I will work hard. 

see ya 2015, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. 

Eviction Notice

I have  started working on fixing my issues with food from the inside out 

I want to have a healthy relationship with food

I want to enjoy it with out stress or guilt

I want to be healthy

I want to be happy

and I don't want that happiness tied to what I did or didn't eat this week 

So I am getting help

I have tried everything I know

 I have read all the books

 Studied the theories

I have tried this diet

and that diet

and that one too

I have worked my body to exhaustion and pushed it beyond limits

but I am still overweight and I am tired

tired of trying everything

tired of stressing out 

tired of food anxiety

tired of anxiety in general 

Part of my wishes I could just say fuck it. 

this is me

I am overweight, I am squishy. 

I can also run a shit ton of miles, out swim most people, and I am going to be an Ironman

but that little voice, that asshole fat kid whispers that its not enough

I am not enough unless I can be an Ironman who only eat kale and chicken

I see the ridiculousness in that statement

but when I am not strong enough

when I am tired

when I am sad

the fat kid goes from a whisper to a scream

the fat kid has had a long enough reign

its time to shut him up for good

and its not about losing weight

if this is me and I can say that I am eating right 80% of the time

that I am doing everything in my power to train for my races

then I need to learn to accept that

I need to learn to accept me

fuck the fat kid. 

be healthy

be me

So its time to bring in the big guns to give the fat kid his eviction notice

Nutritionist

&

Therapist

(specializes in disordered eating)

(Please.Please.Please do not worry about me. I am happy with this decision and I am sticking with it. No I am not ready to talk about it, no this is not anybody fault, nobody gets to place any blame or feel pity. This is not oh poor Lauren. This is positive.)

I have been struggling with sharing this information the last couple weeks. 

Not because I am ashamed, scared, or worried what people will think. 

I have worried about that crap for long enough.

I just prefer my privacy

But.

BUT... if one person out there is unhappy, sad, and struggling. 

I hope you are able to find someone to talk to. 

If one person finds comfort in knowing that they are not alone

they are not the only one struggling

they are not the only one who feels like they can't do it alone anymore

then putting myself out there is worth it. 

Celebrating

Sometimes I get wrapped up in small details

I can't see the forest for all the trees

I complain

I bitch

I moan

I whine

ok.. I whine a lot

There is a bike seat up my ass

Its cold

I am sore

I am tired

I.WANT.PIZZA.

The problem is that when I focus on these small insignificant details I miss the big picture

I am able to ride 35+ miles on a bike

I can run

I can swim

I can afford groceries and pizza

So as I was berating myself for not recognizing all of this as I whined about the cold 

(Internal mental ass kicking is something I excel at)

I thought about how lucky I am 

Am I perfect?

No..no...NO. Far from it

Am I a pro athlete?

HA. no... but that doesn't mean I need to beat myself up for not keeping a 25mph pace

But I do have the ability to do things that not everyone can

I am able to do these things at distances most won't even attempt

So today I celebrate the ability. 

Yes that is a very general and broad statement 

This is me looking at the forest 

The 12 days of Christmas

I love the holidays

for me its 98% about the time with family

the other half is about the food

oh, sweet baby jesus. 

The food. 

so without further ado, I bring you Laurens 12 days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas
The Fat Kid sent to me:

A Half Ironman entry fee

On the second day of Christmas

The Fat Kid sent to me:

2 Pairs Of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the third day of Christmas

The Fat Kid sent to me:

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the fourth day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the fifth day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the sixth day of Christmas

The Fat Kid sent to me:

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the seventh day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the eighth day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the ninth day of Christmas

The Fat Kid sent to me:

9 empty Gu's

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the tenth day of Christmas

The Fat kid sent to me:

10 tacos a eating 

9 empty Gu's

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the eleventh day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

11 Cow bells ringing

10 tacos a eating 

9 empty Gu's

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the first day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

12 Miles a running

11 Cow bells ringing

10 tacos a eating 

9 empty Gu's

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee