Rambling

I have an eating disorder

I know you are probably thinking I look more like an eating disorder survivor

I am not anorexic

I am not bulimic

I am Eating Disorder Non-Specified

Did you know that was a thing?

I didn’t

 I thought you were either too skinny to be healthy

Or too heavy to be healthy

Or a crossfitter

No in between

I figured I would slide nicely into a binge eating/food aggression category

Do you eat full pizzas by yourself?

Yes.

Have you ever sacrificed a taco bell menu to the gods of all things Hangry?

Hell yes.

Are you willing to share your food?

Nope.

 Turns out all these feelings I had about food put me in a separate category

I eat, but every meal

(unless it was Kale and Chicken)

Results in shame, guilt, fear of gaining weight, fear of going the other direction and not eating

As well all know this came to a head a few months ago

I have this amazing team of people now who’s only goal is for me to lead a joyous life free from the constraints of anxiety, body image issues, and food based shame.

Cool, right?

I know that my family, my friends, my circle of people have wanted that for me for years

I have wanted it for years

And now I have this team of people to help make that happen

A therapist (2 actually), a registered dietitian, my PCP, and soon an psychiatrist to help with the anxiety

Writing it out makes it seem like a lot…

But I want this shit to be over and done with.

And I have all these amazing people behind me supporting me like my husband, my parents, my family, my friends, the dogs (they are not sure what to do but wagging their tails seems to help)

One thing that my husband has told me that really sticks out is that shame thrives on darkness, it can’t survive in the light.

So screw shame.

I am done feeling guilty about what I eat or how much I eat.

I am done wondering if everyone at the table is thinking about what a poor food decision I just made

“Geez, she going to have another breadstick? I thought she was a triathlete or something”

(not that anybody has ever said that but my brain thinks they are)

You want to know the best part of this?

No more fucking dieting.

If the problem is dieting it can’t also be the answer

I get to eat what I want

When I want

I don’t have to run 20 miles to eat a slice of pizza

I can have pizza any damn time I feel like it

Or egg burritos

Or god forbid sour cream on my chipotle bowl

Or  *gasp* a chipotle burrito

Yep.

Pizza loses its power when it’s not some forbidden item that you can never eat

If you know you can have it all the time then you stop acting like it’s the last supper every time you get near one.

I would eat a whole pizza no problem and I would rationalize it as either

1. its ok because I ran/biked/swim a crazy amount today

Or

2. this is the last pizza I will ever eat because starting tomorrow I am really going to stick to *insert fad diet name* and this could be my last pizza

So guess what? I am eating pizza

I have had more pizza in the last 3 months that I did in the last year

But! I stop when I am full, I slow down and work on recognizing my hunger/satiety cues and I don’t go overboard

That is the “normal” way to eat

Which most people are thinking, duh.

But I have never been normal

At some point in time something made me believe that the way I ate was shameful

So I started to hide my eating habits

(my parents used find me in the pantry at night)

what a weirdo.

I ate taco bell in parking lots and threw away the evidence before I got home

Just because I didn’t want to disappoint people

(What?! saying that outloud sounds capital K Ka-razy)

I was worried, so worried that that people would judge what I was eating or they would be disappointed in my food choices that my anxiety manifested itself into physical symptoms. 

Physical symptoms! 

Seriously Lauren?

Yep. 

Anxiety that could choke a Donkey.

I don't even know what that means but it suuuuuucks. 

 So now I am working on eating mindfully

I eat when I am hungry 

(not just because the food is there)

 stop when I am full

(not when I hate myself)

There are no good foods or bad foods

No “clean” eating

If you make such a big deal to eat “clean” food then you are telling yourself that the other food is dirty

Hmm. No thanks

More guilt? More Anxiety?

I’m gonna pass

I don't want you to think its easy and that I have had some giant revelation. 

every meal is a fight still but I am creating new habits and that takes time. 

So where does this rambling end?

No clue

The fat kid is out and wandering around in a daze

(He is very confused by the abundance of pizza and pancakes)

Sometimes he still wants to shove donuts in my face as fast as he can

But now we both step back, take a deep breath, eat the donut and move on with our day

Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we surface 10 minutes later with powdered sugar on our face. 

balance.

He’s happy, I am working my way towards happy, and every day we keep working

We don’t succeed every day but we keep at it. 

sorry bout that.