My beat up and over used wagon

Back on the wagon again.

How many times have I said that?

How many promises have I broken to myself and to others?

This would be the time I lose the weight

This is the time I keep it off

I have been on every diet out there

I have read every nutrition book

I’ve been to a nutritionist who specialized in eating disorders

I went to a nutritionist who specialized in endurance athletes

I ate mindfully

I ate whatever I wanted

I ate only vegetables and beans

I tracked

I didn’t track

I’ve been through every emotion

Happy

Sad

Anxiety

Mad

Frustrated

I felt them all

Full

Not Full

Where the fuck is my pizza and donuts

Show me one more piece of spinach and I will stab you

Brussel Sprouts are life

Spinach in my spirit animal

Pizza is my spirit animal

No its fine, Michelob Ultra is low carb

Seriously. No more spinach.

Give me a cow, almost raw, just kissed on the grill and some horseradish.

All.Of.The.Emotions.

I am like my own spinning wheel of prizes

But sometimes that spinning makes me bloated and full of donuts

I will never be, nor do I want to be somebody who eats only spinach and chicken for the rest of their life

I need moments with pizza and red chili, and beer, and donuts

But as I have discovered I have to regulate them.

Like a drill sergeant.

This doesn’t mean I need to feel guilty about eating them

(whew that I was a big barrier to leap over)

But Moderation doesn’t work for me

(read Swim Bike Moms post on this, it’s fantastic)

I can’t eat a slice of pizza 1x a week and be done

It wakes some kind of beast in me that screams for all of the sausage in the building and a gallon of ranch.

So instead I have it every now and then

I let the fat kid out and then I cage him until next time.

But the longer the fat kid is out, the harder it is to shove him  back in the cage.

Also if I ate pizza once a week I would gain 20lbs

Sure, go ahead and laugh.

But Lauren it’s not your whole day, one piece of pizza doesn’t make you fat just like one salad doesn’t make you healthy

Oh.

Oh, Honey.

For me it does.

I have eat a fairly regulated set of meals just to stay in the overweight category instead of the morbidly obese category

(Both categories I have to fight like a rabies filled raccoon to get out of)

This involves a lot of egg whites and a lot of vegetables.

But you run all the time, you’re an Ironman!

You are proving my point.

And I am sure someone is out there screaming but if you only went vegan/keto/south beach/21 day fix  you wouldn’t have to do that.

And I can tell you, I have tried.

And at the end of the day everyone is different.

What works for others may not work for me.

I think this is an epiphany for me.

Why I struggle so much with eating a way that keeps me in a healthy category

(Please don’t say you can be healthy at any size. Happy for you but it’s not for me)

Anyway.

The reason that I struggle so much and why I am constantly jumping on and off the wagon is that I know at the end of the day if I truly want to lose weight and work on my health (above and beyond my ability to run a shit ton of miles) I have to eat a very regulated menu.

For the rest of my life.

Ugh

AMIRIGHT?

My family and health means more to me than that

But it turns me into a foot stomping 2 year old

BUT I DON’T WANT TO EAT MY SPINACH

Alright chill the F out Lauren, you are a  31 year old women who can cook a plethora of different vegetables and enjoy them.

You love Brussel sprouts you hippie weirdo.

And I still will give myself breaks to enjoy food (and I will not feel guilty when I do)

But.

Fucking but.

@#$*(&$@^ BUT.

I have to eat a lot of vegetables, lean meats and egg whites in between those “fun” days

I also have to make sure fun days don’t turn into fun weeks/months/years/my thirties.

So some days I grumble into my foods

Some days I dive into a plate full of broccoli like it’s my savior

Sometimes I decide that today is a day for pizza and I unlatch the fat kids cage.

Just like some days I run 20 miles and some days I sit on the couch

Moderation may not be my thing but Balance can be.

I am on week 3 of my regimented ways and shockingly its working.

The fat kid and I cannot coexist on a regular basis.

We have to be friends who see each other only at weddings and reunions

So If you see me and I am eating my egg whites and broccoli please don’t tell me to live a little.

I want to live a lot and for a long time

Please don’t tell me its ok to have just one because I won’t

Please know it’s taking a good amount of effort to make lasting changes and that I want to be the best version of myself.