Bringing Out the Fat Kid

Alright Ya'll, I need your help.

I want the Fat Kid to grow

I want people to know they are not alone

We all have issues

We all struggle 

Some of us even struggle with the same issues 

So how can I help you? 

Is there a topic you would like me to touch on?

Recipes?

Grocery and meal plan PDFs?

More Poop Jokes? 

Help Me, Help You!

Sincerely, The Fat Manatee 

(See what I did there? Get it? Yeah my spirit animal and the fat kid just collaborated. Boom.) 

Oh Look... a Carrot

I knew it was coming

I could feel it barreling towards me like a freight train unable to stop

I could have done things differently

I knew how to fix it

I just didn’t listen

Now the train has come to rest after it barreled into the mountain causing an avalanche

That avalanche came so fast and so hard it dropped me to my knees

Right down in front of the goddamn refrigerator.

Sigh.

Nutrition is hard

I get that it’s not push a baby out of your lady parts or stop using drugs kind of hard

But C’mooooonnnnn

This food is bad

This food is good

This food is good unless the 7^th moon is in the sacred house of Thor

This has gluten

Gluten is bad

Well kind of. Gluten is bad for some, great for others

Fat is bad.

Fat is good

Caffeine is a terrible addiction that will lead to cravings, starbucks gold cards, and a weird connection with keurigs

Don’t eat carbs, they make you fat

Unless it’s this specific kind of carb that of course how did you not know is perfect for you?

You  need to eat while you run

No. Not pizza, dumbass.

Never eat on a run

Gatorade will change your life

Gatorade will make you shit your pants on a run.

Chipotle… see above.

Everything in moderation

You need 3500 calories today… for breakfast.

Eggs are bad and filled with cholesterol

JK… eggs are great, egg whites are bad

It’s enough to make you want to running screaming into the hills or to the nearest nutritionist

Let’s not even get into the organic/free range/vegan/vegetarian fight.

I like meat. I prefer it to be raised ethically and sustainably. I also prefer to not pay $20/lb for a hamburger because the cow as happy before it DIED.

Oh god. I just made so many people angry. I am sorry… I take it back.

Also veal is delicious.

Dammit…. That last one slipped out.

Anyways… it’s hard.

It’s hard to find what works for you

What your body agrees with

What you agree with

What your family will eat

What they won’t eat

Where you can go to eat when you and your stove have a disagreement

When to eat

How much to eat

Calories

Food is Fuel

My engine is running (literally) damn near all the time

And its running long miles

I need lots of fuel

Good Fuel

None of that unleaded shit

(damn I miss pizza)

Saturday I went for an 11 mile run before breakfast

My goo’s didn’t sit right with me for whatever reason

And when I got home the last thing I wanted to do was eat (I know I was just as confused as you are)

I love to eat

I love to cook

I wanted food

My stomach wanted nothing to do with food

So I waited

And I waited

And then I finally ate, I forced myself to eat 3 meals.

None of them were shockingly healthy but they filled the requirements

Protein, carbs, veggies, fruit

But it still didn’t replace what I had used up

And I had a big bike ride the next morning

So I did my ride…

Low and behold I still wasn’t starving

I went through the same routine

Protein, carbs, veggies, fruit

Still not enough and I knew it

Well then Monday shows up like the reliable bitch it is and guess what?

I am a starving mess of hulk hangry empty bottomless pit-ness

And I am at work where I limit my food

The train has hit

The avalanche has fallen

And now I am just wandering around looking for survivors

Oh look... a carrot

The Good, the Bad, and the Calf Sleeves

There seem to be some changes going on in this body, life, and soul of mine. 

Not all good

Not all bad

Just changing

My parts are rearranging themselves

Every spare ounce of muscle has gone to my quads,

 who will now be known as Thunder and Holy Shit is that a tumor??

(Arnold gets it)

Never before has this been more true

(the Oatmeal also gets me)

This is a blessing and a curse. 

These bad boys carry me across finish lines, around a track, up hills

Of course after all of that they act they have no clue what to do when I stand up from the toilet

Its also super cute when my quads fit in my "fat" jeans but nothing else does

Spandex and leggings it is! 

I also have shoulders fit for a linebacker

The calves of a professional stair runner 

The stomach of a professional beer drinker 

and a laundry basket that would bring tears to a garbage mans eyes. 

But enough about Pro's of the tri life. 

A funny thing has happened in the last 8 weeks, I have never been a sweaty person. 

I don't require a towel with every workout

I don't leave sweat outlines on the floor

I can forget deodorant and nobody will notice 

Well, I didn't use to anyways. 

Now?

Bring a parka. 

Welcome to the Splash Zone 

What the hell body??

I actual had sweat dripping from me today

I had so much sweat in fact that I managed to fling it from my upper body onto the bike handles. 

I looked around expecting some sweaty nasty MF'er to be on the bike next to me

and I was ready to be thoroughly disgusted. 

It is embarrassing to look around with angry face ready to rip some sweaty jerk a new one when you realize the guy next to you doesn't even have a sheen on him

YOU are the sweaty MF'er 

and YOU are grossing people out 

I hightailed it out of the gym, still pouring sweat like I had just jumped out of a pool. 

I promise there have been good changes too.

My endurance is waaaay up 

running is starting to be fun again 

I am starting to see improvements which keeps me going

I feel strong 

I can crack walnuts with my thighs 

I feel like I have started to get over the training hump

of course its about to increase again and I will probably just be a lump who runs, bikes, swims, sleeps, eats and grunts. 

Scott is starting to learn my grunts 

1 grunt: Bring me Food

2 grunts: you really think that's enough food?

3 grunts: just push the couch in front of the fridge

1/2 grunt: sleep

silence: I'm out on a run

I grunt + I throw the truck keys at him: take me to the running store or bike shop I want to look at stuff  I don't need and can't afford

Eye lashes fluttering, actual words, I have make up on, and I have showered? that loosely translates to "please buy me that bike jersey or those running shoes"

I am not the best company on weekends

I go to bed at 8 

I don't drink

 (But I might complain loudly about wanting a beer)

I wear calf sleeves when I do go out 

I will ask to swing by the running store so I can say hi to my friends and pick up more nutrition 

I also might fall asleep randomly

I wouldn't trade this for anything though. 

Olympic Glory: Going for Brown

You probably are thinking this post is going to be about poop based on the title. 

Well I can't promise there won't be any poop jokes but it won't be the only topic

Sunday was my first Olympic Distance Triathlon

I have completed 4 Sprint distances so I thought 

" well hell, lets double the distance and see how that goes"

It was a warm up for the 70.3 Half Ironman in October 

1500 meter swim, 26 mile bike ride, 6.2 mile run 

no big deal

I have been training for a half Ironman

I got this

26 miles on a bike is nothing

 I have ridden the course, I know whats coming. 

Well all of that was well and good until I was racking Sprout (my bike) and ahem... Lubing my chassis. 

There are moments in life that make you second guess your decisions,

lubing up in front of a couple hundred people is one of them. 

Talking about lube on your blog even though you know your parents read this is another one. 

oh well

sorry mom and dad

So,..

I racked sprout, lubed up, stripped down to my race suit and tri shorts in front of god and everyone. Then because I didn't look cool enough and I still had a shred of dignity left I put on my cap and goggles. 

So now I am bug eyed, spandexed, lubed, sunblocked and ready to race

Lets get this done! I have beer to drink!!

Oh look they are going

there are a lot of green caps in that group

hmm. No that can't be right I am supposed to be with the green caps

ShitShitShitShitShitShit

WAAIIIITTT

*starts garmin*

Okay and GOOOOOOOOOO

Water is my element.

My spirit animal is a manatee

A fast manatee but still a sea cow

Off I went, I tried to focus on not getting clobbered or doing any clobbering of my own

Open water swims are a fight

very nice people start throwing punches, pulling feet, and swimming like drunk seals into you 

I try to stay to the side so that I keep any UFC style fights to a minimum

I did have one chick run into my side repeatedly

I have no idea what she was doing or where she was going

maybe she thought I was a kayak

I made it out of the water around 31 minutes

It felt like longer than 1500 meters so I have a feeling I went a little too wide trying to avoid the pack of rabid humans. 

Next was onto the bike

I have practiced this course before so I felt confident

The course decided to knock me down a few pegs

everyone I had passed in the water was now flying past me on the bike 

I huffed my way up the hills

screamed all the way down the hills

35 mph on a bike is not fun 

anyone who says otherwise has a death wish

I wasn't sure what I was more afraid of... crashing at 35mph, popping a tire at 35mph, or shitting myself at 35mph (there it is! poop joke: complete)

I just screamed obscenities the most of the way back 

I must have been entertaining because I heard more than one spectator chuckle

once Sprout and I made it back to transition (we made it in one piece) I ripped off my cleats, put on another layer of sunblock, another layer of lube and got to work. 

The run course is no joke. 

1 mile flat, 2 miles up  hill (and not a cute "hill"), 2 miles down hill, 1 mile back to the finish line

I decided to walk the 2 miles up hill. 

I wasn't going to be breaking any records running it and I decided it was better to save my legs and make up the time coming back downhill. 

I averaged 15-16min miles going up and 10 min miles coming back down 

by the time I hit the one mile left mark I was tired

Tired and hot and hungry and tired and thirsty and hot and whiny

and ready to be done

I ran/walked until I could see the turn to the finish

at that point some members from our local running club started running with me

I said I wanted to walk

and they said no (I appreciated it)

so I ran

I did not run fast

coming into the finish line I picked it up a little more and gave it everything I had

I left everything out on that course and I would do it all over again

having family to cheer me in was the best

(in law family, running family, friends for life family, badass family)

even the announcer noticed how big our cheering section was .

I needed shade, food, and cold water in no particular order

I forgot how much the sun affects you at 7000ft

after a few minutes in the shade, 73 water bottles, 3 watermelons and 12 oranges I started to feel normal 

I could have gone for an ice bath that was equal parts ice and beer but that just wasn't in the cards

I came in 74th place which I have decided is the honorable brown medal

Next in was Jolynn and then Heather

I love watching people come in

the smiles, the fist pumps, the tears

I just love finish lines

After the race it was cold beer and an atrocious amount of calories

It was the best beer I have ever had

and it was Bud Light

All and all this gave me a good idea of where I am in training, what I need to work on 

(hills.. cough cough...) and how important training is. I could have never completed this race if I hadn't been kicking my ass for the last 7 weeks. 

It will only get harder from here but the finish line high will keep me going for a while

Next up Tempe Tri

Then its the Big One

Better find some brown tri shorts 

(You didn't think I would leave with just 1 poop joke did you?)