Anxiety Girl

Whole30 ends this week and we also going on vacation. 

I am not really sure how I am feeling about it, I have adjusted to the paleo lifestyle easier than I thought I would. 

That doesn't mean I don't spend 90% of my day thinking about cheese or daydreaming about a huge coffee topped of with french vanilla creamer but the choices are easier than they used to be. 

I can pick an omelet at a restaurant and not choke on the words when I ask for no cheese

I can make dinner for us and enjoy it 

I am not eating just rabbit food and I am eating enough to fill me up

I feel like I am actually making a lifestyle change. 

I still have a lot of weight to lose and work to do on me and my body but I feel like I am in a good place. 

I am also struggling with how to get back to the real world and not go completely off the deep end. 

My goals are to work harder on my race training, continue to eat paleo style 6 days a week and then give myself 1 cheat meal a week. 

I am a worrier. 

I worry about hypothetical situations before they could even happen. 

So I am having a tiny panic attack over eating on vacation

On one hand I am excited beyond belief to have a giant coffee with cream and cheese on my eggs

On the other hand I am getting chest palpitations thinking about gaining the weight back and throwing away every choice I made over the last 30 days. 

I know its just another series of choices 

5 days of choosing to not eat crap at every meal

5 days of making the best choices possible

5 days of making sure that I earn the calories I do choose

5 days of enjoying myself, my husband, and my family

Its just 5 days right?

I am about to complete 30 days of sticking to my goals I can handle 5 days. 

right? 

right. 

right, goddammit. 

In a constant state of hangry

If you have ever read my blog then you know that I have a few "issues" with food. 

These issues are centered around 3 main problems....

I eat too fast

I eat too much

I am constantly hungry

This has led to some unfortunate moments in my life and I thought that I should definitely put some of my most embarrassing moments on the internet. 

Disneyland January 2013

I had just finished running the Tinkerbell half marathon and we all decided to go grab Subway as a post-race/ pre-Disney day breakfast. We walked in the door, I pushed my nieces to the ground and ran up to be first in line. I ordered my footlong egg white flat bread, filled up my drink, safely tucked away my cookies and got to work. Now the next few moments were a blur but the next thing I knew my sister in law was sitting down next to me with her breakfast. I came out of the red haze just long enough to hear Heather utter the words "Don't judge me, I ordered a footlong"

She was asking ME not to judge HER. 

ME.

The hangry individual who had EATEN her entire footlong sandwich in the time it took Heather to order hers. 

When Heather and I realized that I had already eaten my sandwich we both about fell out of our seats laughing. 

I was kind of ashamed... kind of (I was mostly still hungry)

Mothers Day 2014

I got up early, ran 5 miles, ate an apple, and hiked North Mountain with my family. 

Now, if you know me or have spent any time reading this blog then you know that AN apple is not going to fill me up or keeping me from torturing and pillaging the village folk. 

So when we finally arrived at the restaurant I was a little... um... Hulk Smash-ish

my husband safely termed it "twitchy"

When we sat down I quickly ordered my cheese-less omelet with tomato slices and got to work. 

 I polished it off in about 5 seconds and our waitress came out quickly to clear my plate.

Scott was not far behind me and then proceeded to finish Heathers meal, in order to make room for her plate he put his empty plate in front of me. 

No big deal, right?

I had already eaten, I was staying strong just minding my own business.

Then the waitress came back.

I know we have all had those moments where we think something maybe not so nice and somehow it comes out of our mouth. 

This was one of those moments for the waitress...

As she came back to check on us she saw another empty plate in front of me and as she went to clear it and uttered the phrase 

"oh you ate that too?"

Whoops. 

Yes ma'am you did in fact say that out loud... and no I did not "eat that too"

After Scott and Heather climbed back in their chairs and quit laughing I might of smiled... 

assholes. 

Today

Most of these stories start with exercise... 

That makes my red haze of hunger rage sound better

This morning I got up, biked 8 miles to breakfast where Scott met me with shoes and a table at The Good Egg. 

Not a bad way to start my day... 

So I ordered my usual, La Casa Potencia
6 egg whites, chicken, salsa, and bell peppers
Healthy, delicious, and a lot of food.
I was starving so while Scott continued to talk and tried to hold a conversation I focused on my meal.
I still listened I just didn't converse back...
We made it through our meal and we were getting ready to go pay when the waitress stopped by...
She looked over our table and said
"Well I was going to ask you if you needed any to go boxes but it looks like you ate it ALL"
She was so amazed that we had eaten all of our food.
I just looked at Scott... not quite sure what to say.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or pull out my hair...


 
I have amazed people with how much food I can eat and how quickly I can eat it.
I wish I could say that  I am not always like this but I can't back up that statement
Scott and I find the funny in it and usually ending up laughing like loons as we each kill a large pizza

Not for the faint of heart or the easily queasy.

This morning I went for my first outside real run in almost 2 weeks, between life and being sick I managed to push training to the back burner. I made it to the gym but I found ways of avoiding the treadmill... I am sick... cough, cough, sniffle...I just can't breathe right yet.... I am still exausted... I need to make dinner... I have to feed the horses....I need to work on my taxes... Frozen is on. I could go on and on. Anyways, I decided that while I wasn't ready to run 8-9 miles, I could certainly lace up my asics, grab my mace, and get out on the road. Problem was I forgot one key item...Tissues. I have been sick for about a week now, I finally feel better but I still have a smokers cough and enough snot to float the titanic. 

This may be a little late but just fyi this is going to be a gross post... snot, boogers, gaging... it has it all. 

So. I forgot tissues. 

I ran out the door with my blinking light (so people don't hit my with their cars), my music (So I can forget about running), my mace (so I can hurt any gangsters running loose on the mean streets of arrowhead at 5am). Ok so I forgot tissues, no big deal right? I have blown plenty of snot rockets in my time. Snot rockets are a part of any long distance runners, run. Don't get all high and mighty on me and act like you have never gone for a run in the cold and had to stop to blow one out or wipe the frozen snot off your face. 

We all do it. 

Well, because my body is producing enough snot to fill a football stadium I blew my first snot rocket about 1/4 mile in. No big deal, just blew it and moved on. Well by the end of my 1st mile it felt like I had done this about 87 times, I decided I would just keep running next time my nostrils filled up and everything would be fine. 

Don't do this. It was a bad idea. I repeat... BAD. IDEA. 

This next sentence may change how you feel about me. 

I blew my snot rocket, kept running, it bounced off my shoulder, and hit me in the eye. 

I will let that settle for a few moments... take your time... absorb it. 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Nasty, right? 

I didn't even know what to do, I just stood there in the middle of a neighborhood at 5am trying to get snot out of my eye and comprehend what in the hell had just happened. 

SNOT. IN.MY.EYE.

Not only was it in my eye, I also had it hanging on my shoulder still.

(see above as to how  much snot I am producing)

I know. 

So I cleaned myself up, looked around to make sure nobody had seen the snot incident and kept running. 

Only to follow it up with a 5 minute gagging episode. 

Vomit doesn't bother me, seeing it, hearing it, doing it myself. I am ok on the vomit train however I have a slight problem when it comes to trying to get phlegm out of my throat. I can't do it. Every time I try I end of gagging and fighting the impeding spew. 

Well after running a few more miles, my phlegm decided to fight back. 

So there I am standing in a different part of the same neighborhood gagging, hacking, and walking around like a dog about to throw up as I try to get this god awful crud out of my chest. I know I had to look like a crazy person. 

The good news is I managed to not mace myself, which was a legitimate worry when my husband bought me my travel size pink mace. 

I think I will give my body a few more days before I try to do another long run. 

A fort of blankets

I have planted my ass on the proverbial wagon and I intend to stay there. However I am also sick, full on snotty nose, cough, can't breathe sick. I have been downing Dayquil, Nyquil, allergy meds, cough drops, essential oils, and water with enthusiasm or at least determination. I have already spent the majority of my weekend sick, I refuse to spend the whole work week sick. 

There are a few problems that come with being sick. 

1. I am laid up in bed "resting"

This means no running, no gym, and no calorie burn.  

2. Sick = comfort food

I want Chinese food, pizza, soup, and some grilled cheese. 

In no particular order

3. I can't taste anything

This infuriates me. I love food, I live for food, and I want to taste my GD food. 

4. Unlike most people  being sick does not kill my appetite

In fact it stokes the angry hunger fire into a raging inferno 

5. I am bored out of my mind. 

I can only ready so many Nora Roberts books and watch so many musicals before my husband starts slamming his head against inanimate objects. 

So I am blogging because if I am blogging I am not ordering food for delivery or making grilled cheese or singing Let it Go again. 

Ok, that's a lie, I am going to sing Let it Go no matter what... 

alright, back to my fort of blankets. 

Riding off into the kale sunset

This week was my 3 year wedding anniversary and when I started this whole30 journey I promised myself that I would give myself a break to celebrate our anniversary. So all week I focused on just getting to our staycation that we had planned. I ordered salad when we went out, I brought only homemade food to work for lunch, and I avoided the dairy aisle like the plague. 

When we arrived at the resort Friday night I was STARVING, I had looked forward to dinner all night long and I had barely eaten throughout the day. Also as luck would have it, my allergies decided that Friday would be the perfect day for a full on assault of my senses. So I loaded myself up with allergy meds, dayquil, nyquil, and the resolution that I would not in fact get sick (didn't work). The hotel sent up Champagne and chocolate covered strawberries (this is not going to get gross, I promise you can keep reading). Now I have not had any dairy, processed  junk, or grains in 3 weeks... this might not have been the best way to reintroduce the fun stuff back in. We split the bottle of champagne, I killed the strawberries and then I continued to burp and gurgle. Luckily my husband thought it was hilarious so he loaded a slightly tipsy and definitely gassy Lauren into the truck to go to dinner. He couldn't have picked a better place for dinner... we went to the restaurant where my brother works, Lons at the Hermosa. If you are looking for a verrrry nice ($$$$) place to eat with great atmosphere I highly recommend it. It is worth the money! My brother sent us a bottle of wine and some appetizers which again were amazing. My stomach did not know what to do with itself, and I have to say I was a little worried that it might revolt and ruin the night. I had a stern talking to it before we left. It went a little something like this... 

We started with a bread basket, followed by pork belly in a steamed bun, then chicken tortilla soup, tomato soup with pork belly grilled cheese, pork spare rib, a ribeye, lots of wine, and topped off with a cowboy candy bar. Lots and lots of good food, by the end of dinner I couldn't take another bite without risking vomit. 

I didn't vomit and I found a way to somehow be ready to eat breakfast by 6am... Like waiting outside the restaurant not so patiently at 6am hungry. We managed to wait until 7 when they opened and then I did bad things to the breakfast buffet. 

Can we just take a moment to thank whatever culinary genius came up with the breakfast buffet? 

Croissant? Got it. Cheese blintzes? I'll take 2. Salami and cheese plate? I'm not sure why this is out here but its going on my plate. Pork? done. More pork? yes please. Chicken sausage? Absolutely not. Donuts? 2 please while  I wait for the egg guy to finish up  my ham, cheese, tomato, and egg white omelet(for my health). 

We wrecked the buffet. 

I am not even ashamed, I would have eaten more cheese if I could. 

But this also tells me how big of a hold bad food has on me. 

It was also harder than I thought to get back on the wagon. I didn't really climb on as much as I ran along side it, jumped and missed a few times, ran face first and bounced off it a few times, and then somehow fell on the wagon. 

I was so tempted to cheat I made myself get up and make a full on Whole30 meal for lunch. No salad and grilled chicken today. I followed that up with a trip to sprouts for my weekly list of hippie shit and another Whole30 meal for dinner. I kind of feel like I am back on the wagon, I am still looking back over my shoulder as we ride off into the kale sunset but I have firmly planted my ass on the wagon. 

Also I want Pizza.