I can make FOOD (an inanimate object) feel uncomfortable...

The best way to describe how I feel about food is that it is a battle, every day, every meal, every workout, every moment of every day. Yes that may be slightly over dramatic but that is how it feels. Every day I wake up I want a Cinnabon extra large cinnamon roll, doesn’t matter that an egg white omelet is delicious or that a bowl of fruit will fill me up, I still want what I can’t have. The devil foods cake on one shoulder and the angel on the other, eat the cake, don’t eat the cake, eat the pizza, have a banana, watch greys anatomy in your sweat pants with Ben and Jerry, go for a run…etc etc

Today I had oatmeal for breakfast (150 cal) with 2 cups of coffee and by 10 am I was starving. I know, how can I be “starving” 3 hours after breakfast? No idea but I would have killed a box of krispy kremes if they were in front of me, I would have been crying in a corner as I ate them but I still would have destroyed them.  But because we didn’t have any krispy kremes or any other bad choices free and available, I went and got the apple I packed for lunch. Woofed that down and then tried to imagine that I wasn’t still hungry…well that dream lasted about 30 seconds before I was back in the lunch room working my way through my lunch. I had a piece of the left over pizza from last night (calm down people I made it at home with whole wheat crust, skim mozzarella, and turkey pepperoni) I was planning on eating it with my lunch but that was in the dream life where I eat only what I’m supposed to when I’m supposed to. I finished that and I was at least able to hold off on eating lunch for a few more minutes. 10:35 hit and I was in the lunch room creating a salad of epic proportions (not really but I like to build it up in my mind to make myself feel better) it was just a bag of premade salad, feta cheese, and light balsamic dressing on the side; healthy, delicious, low calorie, and filling. So the battle against the fat kid is over at least for now, I will have to gear up again for dinner and then tonight when we take my boss out for retirement drinks. I am still working on building up an arsenal against the fat kid, right now it includes Scott(very persuasive when it comes to talking me down the from the pizza ledge), the gym (where I go to clear my head of all the negative thoughts), the mudder (because jiggly fat arms will not help pull myself up a 20ft wall), and good old fashioned catholic guilt.

Side note:

 I stared down a serving of sweet and sour chicken today… I could have motor boated the chicken, stuck my face right in it and devoured its deliciousness. But I didn’t, I wanted to, I still want to but I am going to stay strong. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. You don’t want chicken, your don’t want delicious sweet and sour chicken, you don’t want amazing Chinese food… ok dammit that’s not working. Lauren you don’t want chicken that is going to go right to your ass and never leave, you don’t want to have to go to the gym on your rest day, you don’t want to have to add an extra mile to your run tomorrow. Ok slightly better, at least it’s not my main focus anymore. Mmmmm chicken

Fat Kid Update

It’s May almost June and 9 months since I first started down the road to a healthier life style. The road has been filled with ups and downs, bumps, pot holes, and Pizza. I am not where or who I wanted to be and my weight has been all over the place but I am still working on myself. You may be asking yourself (probably not, but I can dream)  Hey why hasn’t Lauren blogged lately about her fascinating, relatable, HILLARIOUS struggle with weight loss? Well fans of the fat kid I have mostly been distracted by eating, more eating, a little bit of life, and a whole lot of self pity. I let myself feel bad and pretend that eating whatever I wanted wouldn’t have a negative effect on my health, mind or general well being. Unfortunately it did have an effect, mostly on my pant size, my sense of self worth, and my happiness. I know a number on a scale shouldn’t decide whether or not I am happy and it doesn’t entirely rule how I feel but it does affect me.  And when I’m not happy that creates a ripple effect to my friends and family. I don’t want to say that I’m not happy, because I am. I have an amazing husband, 3 “kids”, a great job, and a great family but I don’t think I am as happy as I could be and my weight is the difference. So no more self pity, loathing, or general whining (which I am REALLY good at)

So what has the fat kid been up to?

 Hmmm well the new job is going great, love the company and the lower stress levels. I don’t love the snack drawer that I swear calls my name… Lauren eat more snickers… Lauren there is peanut butter in here…Lauren the one thing you are missing is a bag of buttered popcorn…Lauren I can hear your pants button popping off from here….

I decided to run in the 2013 AZ Tough Mudder, I am 100% sure that this is a terrible idea that I will regret the moment I reach the electric eel

(a “fun” little obstacle where you crawl through water and try to avoid the hanging live wires)  Luckily I will have a support team with me to help shove my ass into the obstacles when I try to back out. Scott, Heather, and Chris L. have all agreed to run, because we are idiots and enjoy different forms of torture on cold ass Sunday mornings in February.  I will also be running my 3^rd half marathon in January at Disneyland, if I can afford it I will also run the women’s half in November and PF changes in January. If..IF I accomplish all of this in a reasonable manner, with only minor injuries then my next goal will be to run a full marathon.

I still try to take each day one at a time, focus on making it through one meal without extra layer of fat to my ass or blocking an artery. We are a lot better at what kind of food we make at home, and not going out as much. We are each other support systems, last night Scott wanted Dairy Queen but I smashed that dream into the ground like a bug, today I wanted a snickers bar (Damn snack drawer) but all Scott had to say was dairy queen and I understood, paybacks a bitch but I understood. The craving will pass and I will be much happier knowing that I didn’t eat the snickers. At least that’s what I keep telling myself, I still want the F@*^ing snickers bar….

Workouts have been going good; I meet Heather at the gym 5-6 days a week. We do some kind of run ranging in time (10-60min) miles (1-5) and intensity (sprints/ hills/pace). The run is followed by a strength circuit, sometimes we do the mudder workout, or Scott writes a program, or we find it in books. Mile times are slowing coming down; I can now keep a 10min mile pace for around 1 hour.  Working out with somebody has made the biggest difference, I don’t hate or loathe going to the gym like I did before. I like getting to spend time with Heather and we push each other to lift more and not bitch out or whine…mostly because we are both scared shitless of Tough Mudder.

If you receive a text/call/email/twitter from me about what bad food I am craving tell me to cram it and go run.