Fat pants

It's funny how one little statement can set you on a completely different journey. Two years ago I said screw this overweight shit. I am done being unhealthy, I am done getting tired while walking upstairs. I am just done. I lost 30 lbs, gained it all back, lost 10, gained that all back, and now I have lost 2. I have run 3-5ks, 1-10k. 1-15k, 4-1/2 marathons, 1 full marathon, 4 mud runs, and 1 triathlon. But I settled into this grove of eat what I want, don't train, and then get confused when the scale doesn't tell you what you want to hear. It is defeating. I am back in this never ending circle, I thought I had jumped off that train but I found myself back at the same place. Unfortunately I have nobody to blame but myself, I didn't stick to the change and I let myself get away with it. 

So back at square one. Back in pants that don't fit, back into feeling uncomfortable, back to where I never wanted to be again. What do you do when you hit the bottom again? How do you find the inspiration to get back on track? 

Well if you are me you sign up for a couple races that scare the ever living shit out of you. In the next 6 months I have agreed to run 2-1/2 marathons, 2 triathlons (sprint & olympic), and I have filled my fridge with more vegetables and meat than is considered appropriate. I have to do this. I am so completely and utterly tired of being uncomfortable, sad, and ashamed of my body. Please let me make sure that everyone understands this is not me trying to play the sympathy card. I am not looking for the "oh stop it, you look fine" or the " you are beatiful no matter your size" or anything along those lines. Doing so will result in me giving you this look 

So don't mind my crankiness, I am trying to find that in shape girl that I was for a fleeting moment so I can beg her to come back. I also really, really, really, want to throw away my fat jeans. sigh...