Discipline

Discipline has never really been my thing

Donuts have been my thing

Pizza has been my thing

Eating Chinese food and watching blazing saddles has been my thing

But discipline…

Nah, I’m good thanks.

I wait for motivation to strike and then I bleed that well dry

Example: training for 3 half iron and 1 full iron distance races in 12 months.

As I entered my (Scotts) credit card info I basked in my motivation

I sat high upon my motivation mountain and looked down

I was motivation, I breathed motivation, I became one with motivation

Right up until I wasn’t

The well was dry

I was chugging my bike up another goddamn hill thinking how I could be eating donuts and not chewing on another peanut butter and jelly sandwich and boom motivation was gone.

The fickle creature left me right in the middle of my training.

Poof.

Gone.

See Ya Later

My motivation had gone to the pizza parlor to kick back with a beer

I was still on the hill

It was discipline that kept me from throwing my bike in front of traffic and following my motivation to get pizza

There has to be a balance

As soon as I crossed that finish line I lost a large chunk of both

I put my bike in hibernation, nursed my sore and chafed body parts, and went after some beer and pizza.

Its 6 months later

My bike and I are still not talking

Nether regions have not forgiven me

I have enjoyed the hell out of not training

I do miss competition but I am sticking to my year off

The problem with a year off is finding the discipline and motivation to treat my body like it deserves

 My goal is happy and healthy

Not a finish line

Not a specific weight

Not a certain pair of jeans

Happy

Healthy

So I have had to find discipline

Motivation is easier

Motivation is my husband, my family, our trip to New Zealand

Discipline is looking over a pile of donuts as I eat my eggs

Are donuts the devil?

No

Do I have to eat only Kale and water to hit my goals?

Nope.

In fact if I did that I would be miserable

Miserable is very far from happy and healthy

 

So what is the point of my random ramblings?

Motivation will not always be there

Discipline will not always be there

Keep moving forward regardless

If you don’t have motivation to go to the gym that day then go because you are a disciplined athlete

No discipline to put down the donuts? Then use your motivation to back away and eat something that makes you feel good.

We have to find balance

None of us are perfect

Least of all me

 

Find the balance

Find the motivation

Find the discipline

Find Happiness.

Rambling

I have an eating disorder

I know you are probably thinking I look more like an eating disorder survivor

I am not anorexic

I am not bulimic

I am Eating Disorder Non-Specified

Did you know that was a thing?

I didn’t

 I thought you were either too skinny to be healthy

Or too heavy to be healthy

Or a crossfitter

No in between

I figured I would slide nicely into a binge eating/food aggression category

Do you eat full pizzas by yourself?

Yes.

Have you ever sacrificed a taco bell menu to the gods of all things Hangry?

Hell yes.

Are you willing to share your food?

Nope.

 Turns out all these feelings I had about food put me in a separate category

I eat, but every meal

(unless it was Kale and Chicken)

Results in shame, guilt, fear of gaining weight, fear of going the other direction and not eating

As well all know this came to a head a few months ago

I have this amazing team of people now who’s only goal is for me to lead a joyous life free from the constraints of anxiety, body image issues, and food based shame.

Cool, right?

I know that my family, my friends, my circle of people have wanted that for me for years

I have wanted it for years

And now I have this team of people to help make that happen

A therapist (2 actually), a registered dietitian, my PCP, and soon an psychiatrist to help with the anxiety

Writing it out makes it seem like a lot…

But I want this shit to be over and done with.

And I have all these amazing people behind me supporting me like my husband, my parents, my family, my friends, the dogs (they are not sure what to do but wagging their tails seems to help)

One thing that my husband has told me that really sticks out is that shame thrives on darkness, it can’t survive in the light.

So screw shame.

I am done feeling guilty about what I eat or how much I eat.

I am done wondering if everyone at the table is thinking about what a poor food decision I just made

“Geez, she going to have another breadstick? I thought she was a triathlete or something”

(not that anybody has ever said that but my brain thinks they are)

You want to know the best part of this?

No more fucking dieting.

If the problem is dieting it can’t also be the answer

I get to eat what I want

When I want

I don’t have to run 20 miles to eat a slice of pizza

I can have pizza any damn time I feel like it

Or egg burritos

Or god forbid sour cream on my chipotle bowl

Or  *gasp* a chipotle burrito

Yep.

Pizza loses its power when it’s not some forbidden item that you can never eat

If you know you can have it all the time then you stop acting like it’s the last supper every time you get near one.

I would eat a whole pizza no problem and I would rationalize it as either

1. its ok because I ran/biked/swim a crazy amount today

Or

2. this is the last pizza I will ever eat because starting tomorrow I am really going to stick to *insert fad diet name* and this could be my last pizza

So guess what? I am eating pizza

I have had more pizza in the last 3 months that I did in the last year

But! I stop when I am full, I slow down and work on recognizing my hunger/satiety cues and I don’t go overboard

That is the “normal” way to eat

Which most people are thinking, duh.

But I have never been normal

At some point in time something made me believe that the way I ate was shameful

So I started to hide my eating habits

(my parents used find me in the pantry at night)

what a weirdo.

I ate taco bell in parking lots and threw away the evidence before I got home

Just because I didn’t want to disappoint people

(What?! saying that outloud sounds capital K Ka-razy)

I was worried, so worried that that people would judge what I was eating or they would be disappointed in my food choices that my anxiety manifested itself into physical symptoms. 

Physical symptoms! 

Seriously Lauren?

Yep. 

Anxiety that could choke a Donkey.

I don't even know what that means but it suuuuuucks. 

 So now I am working on eating mindfully

I eat when I am hungry 

(not just because the food is there)

 stop when I am full

(not when I hate myself)

There are no good foods or bad foods

No “clean” eating

If you make such a big deal to eat “clean” food then you are telling yourself that the other food is dirty

Hmm. No thanks

More guilt? More Anxiety?

I’m gonna pass

I don't want you to think its easy and that I have had some giant revelation. 

every meal is a fight still but I am creating new habits and that takes time. 

So where does this rambling end?

No clue

The fat kid is out and wandering around in a daze

(He is very confused by the abundance of pizza and pancakes)

Sometimes he still wants to shove donuts in my face as fast as he can

But now we both step back, take a deep breath, eat the donut and move on with our day

Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we surface 10 minutes later with powdered sugar on our face. 

balance.

He’s happy, I am working my way towards happy, and every day we keep working

We don’t succeed every day but we keep at it. 

sorry bout that. 

Eviction Notice

I have  started working on fixing my issues with food from the inside out 

I want to have a healthy relationship with food

I want to enjoy it with out stress or guilt

I want to be healthy

I want to be happy

and I don't want that happiness tied to what I did or didn't eat this week 

So I am getting help

I have tried everything I know

 I have read all the books

 Studied the theories

I have tried this diet

and that diet

and that one too

I have worked my body to exhaustion and pushed it beyond limits

but I am still overweight and I am tired

tired of trying everything

tired of stressing out 

tired of food anxiety

tired of anxiety in general 

Part of my wishes I could just say fuck it. 

this is me

I am overweight, I am squishy. 

I can also run a shit ton of miles, out swim most people, and I am going to be an Ironman

but that little voice, that asshole fat kid whispers that its not enough

I am not enough unless I can be an Ironman who only eat kale and chicken

I see the ridiculousness in that statement

but when I am not strong enough

when I am tired

when I am sad

the fat kid goes from a whisper to a scream

the fat kid has had a long enough reign

its time to shut him up for good

and its not about losing weight

if this is me and I can say that I am eating right 80% of the time

that I am doing everything in my power to train for my races

then I need to learn to accept that

I need to learn to accept me

fuck the fat kid. 

be healthy

be me

So its time to bring in the big guns to give the fat kid his eviction notice

Nutritionist

&

Therapist

(specializes in disordered eating)

(Please.Please.Please do not worry about me. I am happy with this decision and I am sticking with it. No I am not ready to talk about it, no this is not anybody fault, nobody gets to place any blame or feel pity. This is not oh poor Lauren. This is positive.)

I have been struggling with sharing this information the last couple weeks. 

Not because I am ashamed, scared, or worried what people will think. 

I have worried about that crap for long enough.

I just prefer my privacy

But.

BUT... if one person out there is unhappy, sad, and struggling. 

I hope you are able to find someone to talk to. 

If one person finds comfort in knowing that they are not alone

they are not the only one struggling

they are not the only one who feels like they can't do it alone anymore

then putting myself out there is worth it. 

Oh Look... a Carrot

I knew it was coming

I could feel it barreling towards me like a freight train unable to stop

I could have done things differently

I knew how to fix it

I just didn’t listen

Now the train has come to rest after it barreled into the mountain causing an avalanche

That avalanche came so fast and so hard it dropped me to my knees

Right down in front of the goddamn refrigerator.

Sigh.

Nutrition is hard

I get that it’s not push a baby out of your lady parts or stop using drugs kind of hard

But C’mooooonnnnn

This food is bad

This food is good

This food is good unless the 7^th moon is in the sacred house of Thor

This has gluten

Gluten is bad

Well kind of. Gluten is bad for some, great for others

Fat is bad.

Fat is good

Caffeine is a terrible addiction that will lead to cravings, starbucks gold cards, and a weird connection with keurigs

Don’t eat carbs, they make you fat

Unless it’s this specific kind of carb that of course how did you not know is perfect for you?

You  need to eat while you run

No. Not pizza, dumbass.

Never eat on a run

Gatorade will change your life

Gatorade will make you shit your pants on a run.

Chipotle… see above.

Everything in moderation

You need 3500 calories today… for breakfast.

Eggs are bad and filled with cholesterol

JK… eggs are great, egg whites are bad

It’s enough to make you want to running screaming into the hills or to the nearest nutritionist

Let’s not even get into the organic/free range/vegan/vegetarian fight.

I like meat. I prefer it to be raised ethically and sustainably. I also prefer to not pay $20/lb for a hamburger because the cow as happy before it DIED.

Oh god. I just made so many people angry. I am sorry… I take it back.

Also veal is delicious.

Dammit…. That last one slipped out.

Anyways… it’s hard.

It’s hard to find what works for you

What your body agrees with

What you agree with

What your family will eat

What they won’t eat

Where you can go to eat when you and your stove have a disagreement

When to eat

How much to eat

Calories

Food is Fuel

My engine is running (literally) damn near all the time

And its running long miles

I need lots of fuel

Good Fuel

None of that unleaded shit

(damn I miss pizza)

Saturday I went for an 11 mile run before breakfast

My goo’s didn’t sit right with me for whatever reason

And when I got home the last thing I wanted to do was eat (I know I was just as confused as you are)

I love to eat

I love to cook

I wanted food

My stomach wanted nothing to do with food

So I waited

And I waited

And then I finally ate, I forced myself to eat 3 meals.

None of them were shockingly healthy but they filled the requirements

Protein, carbs, veggies, fruit

But it still didn’t replace what I had used up

And I had a big bike ride the next morning

So I did my ride…

Low and behold I still wasn’t starving

I went through the same routine

Protein, carbs, veggies, fruit

Still not enough and I knew it

Well then Monday shows up like the reliable bitch it is and guess what?

I am a starving mess of hulk hangry empty bottomless pit-ness

And I am at work where I limit my food

The train has hit

The avalanche has fallen

And now I am just wandering around looking for survivors

Oh look... a carrot

#FoodPrepSunday #It'sNotRealIfYouDontHastagIt #hashtag

Hi everyone! I am still learning the art of hashtagging, if its an art  I never perfect I will be ok with it! 

I had a couple of people request some of my recipes, here are a few that use as a basis of many meals. Let me know if you like them. Thanks! 

4 requirements for my meal prep... Portable, Cost Efficient, Tasty, and Healthy

Baked Egg

This is one of my favorite breakfast recipes because it’s easy, portable, and holds up well throughout the week.  You can adapt the base recipe and add whatever ingredients sound good to you. I have done artichoke, sundried tomato and feta (seriously awesome), ham and cheese, Spinach sausage and mushroom, the possibilities are endless!

This week I did a Beef Chorizo, bell pepper, and cheese baked egg.

1Lb lean beef chorizo from Sprouts  $2.08 (on sale)

16 eggs (.25/egg) you can also use one of the big egg white cartons

1 Green Bell Pepper ($0.88)

1 Red Bell Pepper ($0.88)

8oz shredded sharp cheddar (On sale $1.25)

This makes 8 servings at $1.09/serving. This can be cut into smaller pieces for little humans but Scott and I have big appetites. I usually supplement this with a green smoothie, toast with avocado, or a bowl of fruit.

Directions

Heat your oven to 425 degrees

Brown the chorizo on the stove until almost all the way cooked, set aside

Chop your bell peppers into small chunks

Crack the eggs into a big bowl and beat until all the yolks are broken and everything is mixed well.

Spray a 9x13 pan with Pam

Spread the chorizo and bell peppers across the bottom and then top with the egg.

Bake at 425 for 45 min, the egg will set and no longer wiggle when you gently shake the pan.

At 45 minutes pull the pan out, top with the cheese and place back in the oven for 5-10 minutes.

(I usually turn my oven off at this time and let it finish baking while the oven cools down)

I leave it in the pan and cut it a slice at night for the next day.

Meatballs

I will do my best to estimate amounts, this is a tweaked family recipe that I have made as long as I can remember and I don’t use measuring tools anymore. I love using meatballs because they are easy to eat at work, I can just cut them with my fork and dive right in.

2Lbs Ground meat of preference, I usually use chicken or turkey because its readily available.

½ cup finely shredded Parmesan

1 cup bread crumbs

1 egg (you can use 2 egg whites as a sub to cut a few calories)

I toss seasonings in randomly. This week I used Italian seasoning, salt, and pepper.

Mix together and roll into meatballs, 2 lbs usually gives me 16 meatballs.

Spray a large frying pan with your oil of choice (I love the new Pam coconut oil spray)

Let the pan get hot and then start adding your meatballs, the pan should be hot enough to sear the meatball.

Keep turning until all sides are browned. You can let them finish cooking in a pot of hot marinara or place a lid over the meatballs and let them keep cooking.

You want the internal temp of the meatball to be at least 165 degrees, you can check using an internal meat thermometer.

Breakfast Burritos

I am still on the hunt for the perfect tortilla. I want one that will hold up, taste good, and not be filled with lard. I am filtering my way through the hippie tortillas at Sprouts, it’s a hard job but somebody has to do it! Heads up, this makes 5 Lauren sized burritos (mfp est cal is 450/burrito) on large tortillas.

5 tortillas (pick your favorite)

1 carton egg whites (again you can always use whole eggs)

1 can drained and rinsed black beans (patting them dry helps too)

2 tomatoes chopped

Sausage of choice (leaving this one open, sometimes I use chicken sometimes I go right for the pork! You can also use ham or bacon or leave it out all together) should be around 16oz of meat. If you choose to go the bacon route, think 1/2 slices per burrito. 

8 oz cheese (give or take)

Brown  and crumble your sausage, set to the side

Cook your scrambled egg whites in a large pan, add in the sausage, tomato, and black beans.

Mix together until every bite of egg has some sidekick yumminess with it

Lay out the tortilla, scoop about 1 cup of egg mixture in the center, add ¼ cup of shredded cheese, and roll that bad boy up!

Wrap in foil or saran wrap. You can freeze or throw in the fridge, they last about 4 days in the fridge before the cheese gets weird.

Reheat in the morning or lunch or dinner or all three if you are feeling extra burrito-y and enjoy!

I put mine unwrapped in the microwave for 2 minutes (increase time if frozen)

The Battle Rages On...also a cameo by Amy Poehler.

I battled the fat kid all day long. 

Not in the usual sense, I wasn't trying to shove my face full of pizza and donuts at every turn. 

Don't get me wrong.. I was HUNGRY.

I ran hills last night and I could have happily dove face first into whatever was readily available. 

However I made sure to pack my prepped foods so I was able to stay the MF'ing course. 

Today wasn't about telling the fat kid no. 

No, no pizza for me thanks. 

No, Beer isn't really my thing. 

 It was about telling that little asshole to shut the f*$k up. 

Anxiety, fear, and self doubt were the name of the game today. 

That little voice in my head was screaming today. 

I am not fast enough

I am not skinny enough

I am not working hard enough

I will never follow through with anything

I will never finish an Ironman

I just wanted the voice to go away. 

I don't give a shit if I am not fast enough. I am out there pushing my body and working to be faster. 

Fuck. Skinny. 

Yeah I said it. 

I am strong, I am healthy, and I am working on tailoring my birthday suit. 

That stupid number on the stupid scale doesn't define me. 

It doesn't make me less of a person. 

It doesn't tell you who I am. 

I am a strong badass woman. 

Yeah I wear a fanny pack when I run and I own something called Hoo Ha Ride Glide. 

I still Tri 

(see what I did there)

I will finish an Ironman. 

I will finish if I have to drag my legs behind me like a dog. 

Hell or high water

Blood, road rash, exhaustion, knee pain, sunburns, and black toe nails. 

I will finish.

That little voice inside my head just told me that I just jinxed myself and my finish. 

I am going to crush that stupid voice like a bug. 

The battle rages on. 

Its not always physical. 

Sometimes the mental aspect is worse. 

When in doubt, listen to Amy Poehler. 

(Side note, go buy her book. It's amazing. I laughed, cried, and snorted)

Nacho Lucky Day

I saw the most amazing picture today. 

Can you guess what it was?

It wasn't a sunset 

It wasn't a beautiful newborn baby

It wasn't a pudgy adorable puppy

It was nachos. 

Glorious, cheesy, and topped with pulled pork.

I was able to refrain from licking my phone but I wavered on that decision. 

Who needs a long, low cholesterol life when you have chips with melted cheese. 

I looked at the picture, drooled over the picture, then tried to figure out a way to work nachos into my life. 

Because I am trying to lose a couple pounds, train for a 1/2 Ironman and generally improve my lifestyle; nachos are not on the regular menu. 

I would have to run a stupid amount of miles, bike to Tuscon, or swim around Lake Pleasant for a couple hours in order to enjoy a face

full of cheesy goodness.

Now most rational people without major food issues are thinking "why don't you just get in a good workout, make sure your other 2 meals are healthy, and split the nachos with your husband?"

A. We don't share food. ever. 

it works for us and helps both of us avoid missing fingers. 

B. Portion control is not really my thing

I'm actually eating my salad out of a mixing bowl as I type this and I may or may not have accidentally spilled cheese on my computer. 

C. I don't feel like biking to Tuscon. 

So I guess that means I am shit out of luck, eh? 

Well I am nothing if not resourceful when it comes to finding a way to eat things I want 

Thats why as I was drooling over my phone and my boss was wondering if I was exhibiting stroke symptoms I decided I would make a Nacho Salad! 

Pulled pork, black beans, corn, red onion, cilantro, cotija cheese, and guac for dressing. All piled on top of  a big ass bed of lettuce. 

Not bad right? 

Its not a plate of melted cheese and deep fried corn tortillas

But it also won't give me a massive food hangover or lead to a downward spiral of food guilt. 

I know it will still be pretty calorie laden but those are all pretty wholesome ingredients. 

I will leave you with this...

I googled "how was cheese discovered" and " Nacho meme" for this blog. 

I was not disappointed. 

Since animal skins and inflated internal organs have, since ancient times, provided storage vessels for a range of foodstuffs, it is probable that the process of cheese making was discovered accidentally by storing milk in a container made from the stomach of an animal, resulting in the milk being turned to curd and whey by the rennet from the stomach. 

I probably should have stopped 3 memes ago. 

But Why?

I'm starting to feel like the toddler who just learned the phrase "but why" and has irritated all family members, teachers, day care workers, and random strangers on the street to death. I have to ask 10 million follow up questions to every statement I hear about what is the best route, the best training, the best shoe, the best food, etc, etc...

Heart Rate Training is the way to go 

But Why?

Carb Loading is the way to go

But Why?

Metabolic Efficiency Training is the way to go 

But why?

This bike seat is the Cadillac of bike seats

But why?

These socks will stop all blisters

How?

These Shoes will save your life

Really?

This foam roller will cure cancer

Is that so?

Kale is a super food that will make you faster than the flash 

If you are referring to how fast it makes you go to the bathroom then I have no follow up questions. 

Like with most things, everyone has an opinion. 

And everyone thinks there opinion is the right one. 

I see no problem with that because I am harassing everyone I know in the tri/running world for their opinion. 

But it can be hard to wade through everything to find something that works for me

Carb loading doesn't work for me

Minimalist shoes don't work for me

But these things could be the almighty savior for others runners/triathletes

So off I go again to scour blogs, articles, and stalk a few athletes to find out what makes them faster, stronger, leaner, and able to eat pizza without gaining weight

I'm sure somebody out there is thinking they are probably faster, stronger, and leaner becuase of the lack of pizza in their life but I disagree.

 I have yet to meet an endurance athlete who does not enjoy pizza and ice cream. 

Go run 20+ miles and try to convince me that a kale smoothie would really hit the spot. 

Confessions of an emotional eater

Lies I tell myself: 

I'm going to turn Frozen off after Let it Go so I can get stuff done. 

I'm not hungry, this salad is very filling and I hardly miss the cheese. 

I am going to wake up at 3:45 and go to the gym before work. 

Nobody needs tacos. 

Squats are fun! They are like the Disneyland of the gym.

You know what this smoothie needs? More kale. Definitely not more kit kats and ice cream. 

Cheese is overrated. 

Coffee tastes good black

Seriously, I am going to turn Frozen off. 

Confessions:

I feel like a huuuge douche when I talk about things like eating Paleo, kale, almond milk and protein powder. 

Sometimes I put my headphones in at the gym without any music playing so I don't have to listen to the meat heads talk about all the things I just referenced in my previous sentence. 

Some days I loathe running with a hatred that is unmatched, other days I can't live without it. 

I eat the worst when I am alone. 

I am an emotional and closet eater. 

I can eat more than your average linebacker. 

I have watched frozen 3 days in a row. 

Sometimes I eat so fast I wonder how I don't end up throwing up in the grass like the dogs after they drink too much water. 

I spend a lot of time thinking about pork 

I plan my next meal as I am eating my current meal 

(and not in a grown up who plans her meals and grocery shops according to those plans kind of way)

Also, I rarely blog when I am in a deep abyss of pizza and beer. That's a good sign that I am being dragged and run over by the proverbial wagon. 

sigh. 

That last confession stung a little. 

I will not eat my feelings, I will not eat my feelings. 

Donuts bad, kale good (and kinda douchey)