Ironman California 70.3

Almost a year ago I decided I was going to find a 2nd 70.3 race

It was going to be a way to break up the training between Arizona 70.3 and Arizona 140.6

Smart choice right?

Strategically placed around 6 months between my two races

It was a way to keep my training up and stay motivated

I researched 70.3 races in the spring time with in driving distance of Phoenix

Oceanside fit the bill 

plus... fruity drinks by the ocean

This was all decided before I had finished AZ 70.3

I was still blissfully unaware of what it takes to race for 8 hours 

One of the first things I told Scott when I crossed the AZ finish line was 

"Fuck this, I don't think I can do that twice"

He laughed it off and told me I could 

I was in so much pain, so tired, and so hungry I was not happy that I had to do it all again in 6 months

but then a few days passed, my soreness worked its way out, I ate a pizza, drank some beer and decided yep, I should sign up for 3 more of these

and that is the exact moment I lost my damn mind. 

Saturday morning I woke up at 3:45am 

I found the appropriate meme for facebook

showered

grabbed my gear bag

and loaded into the car with some of my fellow members of #TDDS

or as we are better known "Team Do Dumb Shit" 

Why do we have such an awesome name? what is the meaning behind it?

Well. 

It's because we do dumb shit.

for fun

and we usually pay and hefty race fee for it

So we loaded up, made our way to transition and started to organize our gear. 

I set up my gear, checked it, rechecked it, and checked it again

then moved it

because I had put it under the wrong tire

whoops. 

I left transition to go put on my wetsuit and get some moral support from my husband 

If you think that watching a corral full of 2500 athlete lube their nether regions is sexy just wait until you watch people slide into a wetsuit

its not easy

its not pretty

and in my case it requires Scott sticking his hand into my wetsuit and yanking

yes, yanking is the appropriate word

my husband has to yank a rubber suit onto his wifes body

sexy doesn't even begin to describe it

then once it is on and everything has settled I get to rub body glide on the outside of my suit 

(so it comes off easier)

seriously the fun just keeps coming

Once my wetsuit was on 

(a good 15 minute process)

I realized I had to pee

I also had an itch

and I had forgotten to lube up 

I decided to hold out and wait until I got in the water to pee

the lube would have to wait until I was out of the water

We started lining up, I kissed Scott, hugged heather and Jolynn and jumped in line

I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be as I got into line

it was a process I was familiar with and that soothed me

eventually my wave made it to the front and we jumped in, swam about 50 yards and waited for the gun to go off. 

This was my first ocean swim and I was a little nervous that my wetsuit made me look like the seal shaped toy that gets thrown off the back in the boat during shark week 

not a sleek seal either, a slow moving elephant seal. 

perfect for a hungry shark

As I got to the start line I tried to put these thoughts to rest and focus on the fact that I was finally able to pee

(don't worry everyone else was too)

but as I started to pee I remembered one thing

The ankle part of my suit is very tight and the neck is not

also my back was starting to get very warm

sonofabitch

its coming out my neck hole

so here I am a confident and experienced swimmer 

flailing around like a goddamn idiot as my own urine comes out the top of my wetsuit. 

*sigh*

during my flailing the gun goes off

 now I am in a whirlpool of thrashing swimmers who think the fastest way to swim is with donkey like side kicks and closed fists.

and I am still trying to get the pee to go down my leg

I started foward, found a rythym and started to do the job I came out to do.  

Head down, high elbow, find the catch and keep moving foward

Sighting was harder than I expected and once we made the turn we were facing the sun so you couldn't see the bouys, the swells  also picked up so if you were in the bottom of a swell you could not see shit

not the bouys, not the other swimmers, not the shark poised for an attack. 

Nothing

I had some moments of panic but I kept after it and I came out of the water in 42 minutes

not a terrible time but not the time I was hoping for either

I was able to give Scott a high five as I came down the shoot

(the longest shoot ever btw)

I lubed up

Scott made sure to get footage on the GoPro

I grabbed my bike my food and ran out of transition

The bike portion is what I was most worried about

yes I had trained

yes I had done hills

but I had never done these hills. 

its a beautiful course

It follows the Ocean for a large portion of it, you go through the rolling hills of Camp Pendelton, you get to see the Naval Hospital, the Military Planes, helicopters, all around you there is target practice going on, there are marines at every corner cheering you on, and there are 3 big MFing hills. 

The 1st hill is at mile 31

at mile 30 you turn a corner and that big mother fucker comes into view

I was with a group of 10 or so cyclists at that point and I heard a few colorful descriptions of the big beast that lay ahead of us. 

We all put our heads down, switched to the small ring and started making our way up it. 

One lady told me that she heard the only way to make it up the hill was to start using the word Fuck like a comma. 

I agreed. 

I made it about 3/4's of the way up it and promptly decided, fuck this shit. 

I got off my bike and walked my happy ass the rest of the way. 

When I got to the top I was disappointed in myself. 

I got back on and decided that whatever was ahead I was not getting off that bike until I was back in transition. 

I made a few friends out there, screamed on the down hills, almost shit myself on the turns, and finally made it to the turn. 

The turn meant we were done with hills and it was time to head downhill

the turn also meant you were facing an ugly head wind. 

3 hours and 50 minutes after I left transition I made my way back. 

Once again Scott was there to give me a high five over the gate

I changed my shoes, grabbed some more food and made my way onto the run course

The run course is 1.5 loops down the beach and around the amazing beach homes.

I ran, I walked, I was able to see my friends.

Scott walked with me for a large portion of it as did my dad. 

I was desperate for company at that point and any chance to get my mind off running.

As I started in on my second loop I realized I had a chance to PR

If I kept pushing and held my pace I could take off 10-15 minutes

That was all the motivation I needed

As I made the last turn I had just over 2 miles to go and 35 minutes do it in for a PR

I grabbed some redbull and got to work

I was able to hold a 10:30 pace for the last 2 miles

As I approached the finish line I started running along side a guy about my age

He started talking to me and asking questions about what races I had done, if this was my first 70.3, etc. 

We started talking and he explained that he had actually registered and trained for Oceanside 7 years before but right before the race he found out he had a brain tumor and had to have emergency surgery. Surgery he was not sure he would wake up from, after surgery he was not allowed to work out. Doctors were afraid that to much pressure on his heart or brain would lead to a seizure and possible death. Seven years later he was given the ok and this was his comeback race. I was in tears listening to this guy, here I was thinking about my knee pain and this badass next to me who didn't know if he was going to live the last 7 years was pushing his body down towards the finish line. He told me that he was probably going to cry, I told him its ok everyone does. 

The people that you meet at an Ironman event are amazing. 

I only spoke with him for a few minutes and I didn't get his name but he inspired me. 

I pushed my way to that finish line and came in 13 minutes faster than I did at Arizona

I grinned at my family, grabbed my hat and medal and ran out to give them all the sweatiest of sweaty hugs. 

I am again humbled by the Ironman gods. 

I am motivated

I am scared

I am proud

I took 3 minutes off my swim, I added 10 minutes to my bike ride, and I took 30 minutes off my run.

 I will see you in 9 Months Ironman. 

Get ready because I am coming for ya. 

Big thanks to everyone who came out, my husband who supports me and is there for me even when times are hard, my family, my fellow members of #TDDS, my training partners, my sisters, my tribe of misfits, strangers with vaseline, the volunteers, the volunteers who let me use their sunblock, my coaches and my friends. 

I can't express what your support and smiling faces mean to me out on the course. 

I love you all 

and last... but not least 

For Mark 

Peak Week

Peak Week is here

I am officially done with my two longest runs and rides

60 mile bike ride x2

10 mile run x2

Nap x2hrs

Food?

Well. 

It wasn't pretty and it involved a foot long from Subway

I have really tried to listen to my body these last few months

I eat when I am hungry

stop when I am full 

last night?

not hungry 

this morning? 

Still not hungry

I had to eat anways because I was about to run 10 miles 

I also ate out on my run 

even though the last thing I wanted was another goo

 then I swam 30 min in a very cold lake

another hour goes by 

and then 

BOOM

starvation

I could eat my arm

get me food now before I pillage the villagers

hurry save the children

pure starvation

I asked Scott as politely and nonchalantly as I could if he was also hungry

(inside my body was screaming that if we didn't get off this freeway now and I mean right now, get me to a drive thru and place a taco in my hand in the next 2 min I was going to come through the car window at somebody)

He responded with yeah, he could eat. 

(inside I am rejoicing)

Me: Ok thanks, can we get subway?

Scott: Sure

*senses hangry approaching and swerves to get off the freeway*

Me: This. This. is why I love you. 

(One of many reasons)

Its been a few months since I last finished a foot long sandwich

I have found that when I actually take my time to eat and I am mindful of hunger/satiety cues that I eat a lot less

today was not the case

Today I listened

I slowed down

I recognized when I was getting full and decided to stop eating, drink some water and reassess in a hour. 

well I killed a foot long sub

and I waited 2 hours instead of 1

why?

Nap time. 

Swim Bike Run Eat Sleep and REPEAT! 

Like I said... Peak week is here 

I am probably the only person that thinks this is funny

But I think its REALLY funny so that counts. 

(Taper is what comes after peak week)

(That animal is called a tapir)

(I've been told that jokes you have to explain probably aren't funny)

(Don't care)

Just a real quick panic attack.

How in the hell did peak week(s) get here?

If I had a panic button now would be the time to hit it

And scream

And let a minion run around yelling BeeeDoooBeeeDooo

All systems on deck

It’s almost go time

I have 2 more major weeks of training and then

Boom.

It’s here

Ironman Oceanside 70.3

I am a little* panicky

(*Extremely)

This is going to be a harder course

I had to re-learn how to swim

I cried last weekend on a scary downhill curve

I blew a tire

I have yet to hit 50 miles on my bike

*&!$@$!^@#*$^%#%@!!!!!

Be cool Lauren.

Be. Cool.

You got this.

If nothing else you get to be by the beach with your family and friends for your Birthday

Well, they get to sit by the beach for your birthday

You get to lube yourself up, slide into spandex and test the limits of the human to bike seat relationship

It’s Fine

It’s fine.

Seriously.

It’s fine.

&@@#@##($@$*&^%$#@!!!!

Be. Cool.

You got this.

You totally have this.

So what if you have been focusing the last 5 months on battling an eating disorder, completely changing your eating habits, going through treatment, seeing two therapists an RD, and waiting on a prescription for Xanax.

You have also been running faster

Swimming more efficiently

Using a coach

You can be an Ironman

This is a stepping stone to IMAZ

You can be a shaky, sweaty, eating disordered, anxiety ridden, proud, badass Ironman

Or half Ironman

Think of it as 8 hours to spend perfecting your use of the word &*%@

Rambling

I have an eating disorder

I know you are probably thinking I look more like an eating disorder survivor

I am not anorexic

I am not bulimic

I am Eating Disorder Non-Specified

Did you know that was a thing?

I didn’t

 I thought you were either too skinny to be healthy

Or too heavy to be healthy

Or a crossfitter

No in between

I figured I would slide nicely into a binge eating/food aggression category

Do you eat full pizzas by yourself?

Yes.

Have you ever sacrificed a taco bell menu to the gods of all things Hangry?

Hell yes.

Are you willing to share your food?

Nope.

 Turns out all these feelings I had about food put me in a separate category

I eat, but every meal

(unless it was Kale and Chicken)

Results in shame, guilt, fear of gaining weight, fear of going the other direction and not eating

As well all know this came to a head a few months ago

I have this amazing team of people now who’s only goal is for me to lead a joyous life free from the constraints of anxiety, body image issues, and food based shame.

Cool, right?

I know that my family, my friends, my circle of people have wanted that for me for years

I have wanted it for years

And now I have this team of people to help make that happen

A therapist (2 actually), a registered dietitian, my PCP, and soon an psychiatrist to help with the anxiety

Writing it out makes it seem like a lot…

But I want this shit to be over and done with.

And I have all these amazing people behind me supporting me like my husband, my parents, my family, my friends, the dogs (they are not sure what to do but wagging their tails seems to help)

One thing that my husband has told me that really sticks out is that shame thrives on darkness, it can’t survive in the light.

So screw shame.

I am done feeling guilty about what I eat or how much I eat.

I am done wondering if everyone at the table is thinking about what a poor food decision I just made

“Geez, she going to have another breadstick? I thought she was a triathlete or something”

(not that anybody has ever said that but my brain thinks they are)

You want to know the best part of this?

No more fucking dieting.

If the problem is dieting it can’t also be the answer

I get to eat what I want

When I want

I don’t have to run 20 miles to eat a slice of pizza

I can have pizza any damn time I feel like it

Or egg burritos

Or god forbid sour cream on my chipotle bowl

Or  *gasp* a chipotle burrito

Yep.

Pizza loses its power when it’s not some forbidden item that you can never eat

If you know you can have it all the time then you stop acting like it’s the last supper every time you get near one.

I would eat a whole pizza no problem and I would rationalize it as either

1. its ok because I ran/biked/swim a crazy amount today

Or

2. this is the last pizza I will ever eat because starting tomorrow I am really going to stick to *insert fad diet name* and this could be my last pizza

So guess what? I am eating pizza

I have had more pizza in the last 3 months that I did in the last year

But! I stop when I am full, I slow down and work on recognizing my hunger/satiety cues and I don’t go overboard

That is the “normal” way to eat

Which most people are thinking, duh.

But I have never been normal

At some point in time something made me believe that the way I ate was shameful

So I started to hide my eating habits

(my parents used find me in the pantry at night)

what a weirdo.

I ate taco bell in parking lots and threw away the evidence before I got home

Just because I didn’t want to disappoint people

(What?! saying that outloud sounds capital K Ka-razy)

I was worried, so worried that that people would judge what I was eating or they would be disappointed in my food choices that my anxiety manifested itself into physical symptoms. 

Physical symptoms! 

Seriously Lauren?

Yep. 

Anxiety that could choke a Donkey.

I don't even know what that means but it suuuuuucks. 

 So now I am working on eating mindfully

I eat when I am hungry 

(not just because the food is there)

 stop when I am full

(not when I hate myself)

There are no good foods or bad foods

No “clean” eating

If you make such a big deal to eat “clean” food then you are telling yourself that the other food is dirty

Hmm. No thanks

More guilt? More Anxiety?

I’m gonna pass

I don't want you to think its easy and that I have had some giant revelation. 

every meal is a fight still but I am creating new habits and that takes time. 

So where does this rambling end?

No clue

The fat kid is out and wandering around in a daze

(He is very confused by the abundance of pizza and pancakes)

Sometimes he still wants to shove donuts in my face as fast as he can

But now we both step back, take a deep breath, eat the donut and move on with our day

Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we surface 10 minutes later with powdered sugar on our face. 

balance.

He’s happy, I am working my way towards happy, and every day we keep working

We don’t succeed every day but we keep at it. 

sorry bout that. 

The 365 Day Do Over

Its New Years Eve 

Time to set new goal

Make plans

and think about what we all hope to accomplish in the coming year

Its the annual 365 do over.  

For the last few years my goal has always been to lose weight and get healthy

weight loss is the unattainable goal that always seems just out of reach for me

My weight and height firmly place me in the obese category

bordering on morbidly obese

now, this little bastard chart doesn't take into account that I can swim bike and run 70.3 miles

It doesn't know that I workout 6 days a week

or that my quads are not quads at all but more like quadzillas 

logic says that a number on a scale doesn't mean shit. 

It doesn't tell you that I am wife, a daughter, a sister, dog mom, foster dog mom, horse lover, or an Ironman (half). 

but for years that number has beaten the crap out of me

its too high

(sorry, I had to)

that ever changing number and the little bastard inner fat kid have led me around 

eat this, don't eat that,this will make you gain weight, here is some lettuce, just kidding lets have cake. 

My goals for 2016 are not to lose weight

my goal is to break those ties

the fat kid has been given his eviction notice 

now its time to remove the scale

I am not a number

I am not a size

My name is Lauren

I am who I say I am 

not what a chart says I am. 

So bring it 2016, I am going to crush you. 

Ironman Oceanside 70.3

Ironman Arizona 70.3

Ironman Arizona 140.6

I will be an Ironman

I will be happy

I will be balanced

I will treat people with respect and love

I will work on being as nice to strange humans as I am to strange animals

I will be more outgoing

I will not hide in my house because I don't like how my clothes fit

I will be me

I will be strong

I will be a badass

and I will work hard. 

see ya 2015, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. 

Eviction Notice

I have  started working on fixing my issues with food from the inside out 

I want to have a healthy relationship with food

I want to enjoy it with out stress or guilt

I want to be healthy

I want to be happy

and I don't want that happiness tied to what I did or didn't eat this week 

So I am getting help

I have tried everything I know

 I have read all the books

 Studied the theories

I have tried this diet

and that diet

and that one too

I have worked my body to exhaustion and pushed it beyond limits

but I am still overweight and I am tired

tired of trying everything

tired of stressing out 

tired of food anxiety

tired of anxiety in general 

Part of my wishes I could just say fuck it. 

this is me

I am overweight, I am squishy. 

I can also run a shit ton of miles, out swim most people, and I am going to be an Ironman

but that little voice, that asshole fat kid whispers that its not enough

I am not enough unless I can be an Ironman who only eat kale and chicken

I see the ridiculousness in that statement

but when I am not strong enough

when I am tired

when I am sad

the fat kid goes from a whisper to a scream

the fat kid has had a long enough reign

its time to shut him up for good

and its not about losing weight

if this is me and I can say that I am eating right 80% of the time

that I am doing everything in my power to train for my races

then I need to learn to accept that

I need to learn to accept me

fuck the fat kid. 

be healthy

be me

So its time to bring in the big guns to give the fat kid his eviction notice

Nutritionist

&

Therapist

(specializes in disordered eating)

(Please.Please.Please do not worry about me. I am happy with this decision and I am sticking with it. No I am not ready to talk about it, no this is not anybody fault, nobody gets to place any blame or feel pity. This is not oh poor Lauren. This is positive.)

I have been struggling with sharing this information the last couple weeks. 

Not because I am ashamed, scared, or worried what people will think. 

I have worried about that crap for long enough.

I just prefer my privacy

But.

BUT... if one person out there is unhappy, sad, and struggling. 

I hope you are able to find someone to talk to. 

If one person finds comfort in knowing that they are not alone

they are not the only one struggling

they are not the only one who feels like they can't do it alone anymore

then putting myself out there is worth it. 

Celebrating

Sometimes I get wrapped up in small details

I can't see the forest for all the trees

I complain

I bitch

I moan

I whine

ok.. I whine a lot

There is a bike seat up my ass

Its cold

I am sore

I am tired

I.WANT.PIZZA.

The problem is that when I focus on these small insignificant details I miss the big picture

I am able to ride 35+ miles on a bike

I can run

I can swim

I can afford groceries and pizza

So as I was berating myself for not recognizing all of this as I whined about the cold 

(Internal mental ass kicking is something I excel at)

I thought about how lucky I am 

Am I perfect?

No..no...NO. Far from it

Am I a pro athlete?

HA. no... but that doesn't mean I need to beat myself up for not keeping a 25mph pace

But I do have the ability to do things that not everyone can

I am able to do these things at distances most won't even attempt

So today I celebrate the ability. 

Yes that is a very general and broad statement 

This is me looking at the forest 

The 12 days of Christmas

I love the holidays

for me its 98% about the time with family

the other half is about the food

oh, sweet baby jesus. 

The food. 

so without further ado, I bring you Laurens 12 days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas
The Fat Kid sent to me:

A Half Ironman entry fee

On the second day of Christmas

The Fat Kid sent to me:

2 Pairs Of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the third day of Christmas

The Fat Kid sent to me:

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the fourth day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the fifth day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the sixth day of Christmas

The Fat Kid sent to me:

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the seventh day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the eighth day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the ninth day of Christmas

The Fat Kid sent to me:

9 empty Gu's

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the tenth day of Christmas

The Fat kid sent to me:

10 tacos a eating 

9 empty Gu's

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the eleventh day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

11 Cow bells ringing

10 tacos a eating 

9 empty Gu's

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee

On the first day of Christmas

The fat kid sent to me:

12 Miles a running

11 Cow bells ringing

10 tacos a eating 

9 empty Gu's

8 beers a drinking

7 drills a Swimming

6 Guilt trips a laying

5 Sweat stain Rings

4 Fanny packs

3 Barros Pizzas

2 pairs of Spandex

and a Half Ironman Entry Fee